(Yawn) Golly, I'm bored. Not a damn thing to write about this week. Football is long gone, the Lightning have had a fork stuck in them for a while now, the Rays have yet to begin a game that matters, March Madness is in full swing, but the games are to be watched, not gabbed about days later. And the upcoming Olympics? Eh…it was more fun when the Soviets were there to hate on. Man, those cheatin' commie bastards pissed us off, didn't they? All juiced-up male athletes with paychecks and juiced-up female athletes with balls. Good times. I just wish some player would hurry up and get arrested already so we'd have something to talk about. (Sigh) Oh well, time to pull random sports dingleberries from my pale posterior and pretend to care. Again. Okay, maybe one more look at the old Internet to see if, HOLY SHIT!
Looks like everybody in Denver thinks Peyton Manning's little necky-poo issues are a-okay. So much so that they've reportedly signed the 1998 first round draft pick to a five-year $96 million contract, officially putting the "High" in Mile-High. Granted, if the old man can stay healthy, there are very few teams in this country that wouldn't violently shove their granny over to sign him. This shouldn't inspire a Tebow pile-on, even though it will. Every starting quarterback in the league not named Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers, or Drew Brees just exhaled. But five years? And almost 100 mil? Really? Does anybody reading this think Manning has five years left? Indi apparently didn't, otherwise we wouldn't have been treated to this off-season soap opera in the first place. If Manning retired a month ago, nobody would have blamed him. He's already got the bust in Canton, the bling on his finger, and enough money to have all the HBO's he wanted. Now that he's back? What neck issue? He was only out, what, a whole year? He's fine. Here, buy yourself a country or something. The good news? You can now get a free Tebow Bronco jersey with a plate of Rocky Mountain oysters.
This article appears in Mar 22-28, 2012.