Dear Love,
I am a single mom who has a hard time meeting men because I don’t drink and I don’t go to bars and if I do see someone I’m interested in I don’t know how to approach them. Please help. I’m overwhelmed by things not working that used to work in my life, and if feels like the search is just giving me something else to be disappointed by. I’ve been on dating apps for three years, but they take a lot of time and are awkward because even there the conversations don’t flow. Guys will write hello, and then I write back hello, and then nothing. Do I need to give it a rest? Sometimes I wonder whether or not I need someone at all.
Overwhelmed
Dear Overwhelmed,
Please know that you're not alone. We live in a world that is constantly screaming for our attention. The majority of Americans are exhausted by the news. Then there's social media fatigue. Work stress. Money. And this can all hit you before you get out of bed, thanks to that smartphone you just perused. So take a deep breath, dear Overwhelmed, and understand that I'm not suggesting your stress is all in your head. But it kinda does live there.
Hear me out.
Large-scale research has shown that the percentage of working people who put in more than 60 hours a week is small, around 6%. But when you say to yourself, "I work all the time," your body reacts as if that's true, even if you're exaggerating. This stress perpetuates itself, causing negative changes to your breathing, your cardiovascular system, and your endocrine system. Worse yet, you feel anxious. You spin out. The next time someone asks how you're doing, if you answer, "busy," just know that you have this problem. This is not a personal critique, this is a pervasive miscalculation in our culture, because we have made "output" a measure of success. But when you view your life as time-crunched, that's how your life feels. And how you feel is the real driver of your life.
Think about the last time you were in love. Didn't your life just go better all around? You may have been dealing with the exact same piles of crap, but you allowed yourself to ignore the smell. Perhaps the odor seemed even lovely.
So, while I am not an advocate of taking a break from dating to get better at dating, I am an advocate of falling in love with your life first. I refuse to say it's when you stop looking that you find the person you had been looking for. When I'm single, the only time I really stop looking is when I'm under anesthesia, and even then I probably wondered if the doctor was going to be cute before counting down. Because if you really aren't even a little bit looking, you really won't find. I say that because when I'm happily partnered, I don't accidentally find myself getting propositioned, whereas when I'm single, I do. (Unwelcome harassment is a different topic entirely.) However, I will say that love comes more easily when you stop needing it to come. That, dear Overwhelmed, is where you may be in need of an overhaul.
"Single parent here, looking for a lover who has a job, a driver's license, and a functioning car for trips to the grocery store, soccer practice and occasional romps to Home Depot."
—Online dating profile that never has and never will exist
Be honest, is this your fantasy online personal ad? It's totally OK if it is, but this is not going to attract a lover. A doormat, maybe. But not a burn-your-life-down-because-love-has-arrived-partner-for-life. Of course, on some level, we all want a partner to share the burdens of life with. But only as the share-er, not the taker on-er. I mean, would you want to answer this ad?
Your life is lacking in fun, my sweet Overwhelmed.
Already, I can hear the teeth grinding. Like this is another thing to add to the to-do list. I know this because I used to be that person. In fact, I resented people who (according to my perspective) weren't busy. My dear friend Eileen gave me the following advice: You need to start seeing your life differently.
Who, MOI?
Yes, she pointed out that my life consisted of exactly what I wanted it to consist of. The trick in not feeling like I was about to get pulled under, according to Eileen, was to simply remember that these were my choices.
But!
But nothing. My perception was skewed, and I had to get that right first.
Sure, I protested some more. Until I finally got to a point where I was so out of breath that I had no choice but to follow her advice. I certainly didn't have time for anything else. I took a baby step. On a social media profile, under, "What do you do?" I wrote, "As little as possible."
It sounds small, but it began a paradigm shift.
So, date or don't date. In the meantime, try to look at the activities you are doing as choices rather than obligations. You don't want your child to dread "adulting" (except as a gerund). It's going to happen. Show them how great it can be by reclaiming your greatness.
Love, Confidential
Send your question to us. Your name is always confidential. And don't forget to subscribe to Creative Loafing's weekly Do This newsletter, because we make sure to include the weekly "Love, Confidential" in it.
This article appears in Jan 3-10, 2019.
