What do a trio of ghost-hunting high schoolers, a dysfunctional family with an estranged wealthy aunt, a slightly more functional couple fearing something is wrong with their young son, and a zombie-elf viral outbreak at Santa's toy factory at the North Pole have in common?

Unfortunately, you'll have to watch this disjointed, poorly shot movie to find out, and if getting there is half the fun, that just means the destination is twice as disappointing as the journey.

Helmed by three co-directors with a small collective handful of genre credits, A Christmas Horror Story reshuffles the classic "anthology" format (think Tales From The Darkside, Creepshow, etc.) by telling its distinct stories simultaneously. The theoretical upside to this is that it would give the film the feel of a vibrant, active slice of episodic television, with multiple ongoing and related subplots. And it might work, with better written, filmed and acted material. But A Christmas Horror Story makes only the barest attempts to associate these subplots, and each of them makes for a trite, badly executed and, worst of all, boring tale on its own.

The three "reality-based" stories — three kids break into their school to investigate an unsolved murder; a family goes to visit a distant relative and unwittingly unleashes a mythical beast; another family goes into the woods to cut down a Christmas tree, and the kid comes out distinctly, um, different — ostensibly take place in the same town, as two of them share a character in common. And the "wraparound" story, featuring a stunt-cast William Shatner as an increasingly inebriated radio DJ, provides exposition, hints to the relationship between the stories and the assumption that this is all taking place within broadcasting range.

But why has Bailey Downs (a name genre diehards may recognize from the Ginger Snaps film series) become ground zero for a mass unleashing of supernatural Christmas Eve mayhem? And what do ghostly murders, evil children and freakin' Krampus have to do with one another, much less zombie elves at Santaland? Particularly when the latter is played so much harder for laughs (and gore) than the others that it might as well be in a different language?

It doesn't matter, really. With one-dimensional characters, cliches galore, and some of the worst lighting this side of the advent of digital video, it's impossible to care. The movie can't even summon the sort of train-wreck appeal even some of the worst horror flicks inspire; by the time the final "twist" reveals the full depth to which some of the stories are intertwined, that pivotal, compelling "why?" has long since been replaced by "why am I still watching?"

Oluniké Adeliyi and Amy Forsyth deserve credit for imbuing their respective characters with some degree of life and believability. Aside from their performances, exactly one jump-scare and some clever dialogue among the Krampus tale's family, however, this one's an almost total write-off.

1.5 out of 5 stars
Not Rated. Directed by Grant Harvey, Steven Hoban, Brett Sullivan.
Starring William Shatner, George Buza, Percy Hynes White
Opens Fri., Oct. 2 on VOD and iTunes, and at AMC Veterans Expressway, Tampa.

TRAILER: