Holy crap, what a weekend.
FRIDAY, MAY 6:
Coolest Vice President In Many Generations Joe Biden announced a speaking engagement at University of Tampa scheduled for this Wednesday. No word yet on whether he'll arrive by white Trans Am or on the back of a screaming, oversized bald eagle, but they say if you get close enough to see yourself reflected in his aviators, that's a lifetime of satisfying romantic partners for you, right there.
The Tampa Bay Lightning topped the Islanders 2-1 in the second game to go into overtime in a row, increasing their series lead 3-1. People all over the Bay area are wishing they'd bothered to learn what a power play was this time last year.
SATURDAY, MAY 7:
FSU running back Mario Pender was dismissed from the team after being arrested and charged with domestic battery by strangulation. Mr. Pender has a history of arrests and similar allegations. Are we ready to have the conversation again about college athletics enabling entitled, amoral shitbags to fuck upwards? No?
"Bay colt who lacks any distinctive markings" Nyquist won the Kentucky Derby. Ladies with personal hatbox curators are STOKED.
SUNDAY, MAY 8:
A Politifact Florida report shot multiple gaping holes in the arguments the Sunshine State's Enterprise Florida "public-private economic development arm" has been using to try to get California businesses to consider Florida in the wake of the Golden State's impending minimum-wage hike. We hope this information does not surprise you into a coma.
And finally, the Bolts ended the weekend even better than they started it, shutting out the Islanders 4-0 in Game 5 of the semifinals to win the series and advance to the East final. All it took was a weekend to make me start lying about how long I've loved the noble and exciting game of freezy slidey sticks.
This article appears in May 5-11, 2016.