Hello! Glad you could make it. In order to keep it from raining all weekend, please read this post in its entirety, comment on it, and share it on at least two of your social networks.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers lost their preseason opener against the Philadelphia Eagles 17-9. The Eagles drew first blood after the Bucs fumbled and lost the ball on the opening kickoff, which, well, you don't gotta be superstitious to hope you didn't witness the whole season in miniature right there at the jump.

Speaking of sportsball, noted St. Pete hangout for sportsball "fanatics" Ferg's was closed by health inspectors for a multitude of the usual "dirty dining" sins, including roach sightings, rat droppings, and evidence of maggots. "Yeah, well, no restaurant kitchen is ever totally clean," said a bunch of Rays fans who have likely literally done what Red Sox fans have been telling them to do for years now: eaten shit.

Following an accusatory Facebook post that went viral locally, Pasco County deputies are looking for a 26-year-old man suspected of assaulting his girlfriend and destroying her phone so she couldn't call the police. He's got a fucking owl tattoo on his neck, but we bet he'll still be stupid enough to show up at either the Orbit 19 or whatever screamo show's in Pinellas tonight.

And finally, a 26-year-old Tampa man was arrested for planting a fake bomb at the Temple Terrace Masonic Lodge back in June. Twenty-six must be the year that separates the males who are going to mature into society from the lifelong Florida Men. But didn't that age used to be, like, 19? Society's downfall is being ushered in by the mantoddlers.

This article appears in Aug 11-18, 2016.