From early childhood, I have fought a losing battle against Florida’s summers. In my youth, I dreamed of living in one of the handful of places around the world where summer is perpetually mild. Through finding that schools in this state actually paid me to teach, and somehow growing to like Florida, I have been forced to cope with Tampa Bay’s least desirable months. And as a professor, I also must fill my most leisure-friendly months with activities during the time I least want to go outside. What is a hater of the heat to do?
Like Australia, Florida is out of step with the calendar and its cultural expectations. Rather than enduring a harsh winter, we are free to revel in it. But the flip side is that instead of embracing summer, we must survive it. I have concluded that the way to endure and even enjoy summer is to make like a reverse bear and go into summer hibernation by savoring the pleasures of the great indoors.
You don’t necessarily have to go into summer hibernation throughout the whole lengthy Florida summer. Some claim that Florida has no real seasons. This is simply not true — our seasons are distinct, if in sometimes subtle ways. All summer months are not created equal; here’s a brief rundown on the months of Florida summer and the ideal times to hibernate:
May: Some may say that May is not really summer. Well, the schools I teach at break for the summer in May and Florida’s heat begins in this month, so I say it counts. But May is admittedly a milder version of the summer. If you like traditional outdoor summer activities, do them now.
June: The relative gentleness of May can last through June, but when the heat and humidity sets in, that’s a wrap for nice weather until October. Full hibernation is still not necessary.
July: By July, the dog days of summer are barking away. The Fourth of July briefly enlivens this month, but now is the time to hibernate.
August: August sucks so much. It’s just as steamy and inhospitable as July, but you’re twice as sick of summer, and there’s no relief in sight. Plus, Florida as a whole seems to shut down this month, save for school starting. Definitely stay in hibernation during this wretched month (you aren’t missing anything).
September: The world tells us that September is part of fall and it’s time to break out the pumpkin spice, but Florida’s weather sure doesn’t agree. Plus, this is peak hurricane season, which brings its own miseries. But by the end of the month, the weather has become a bit more tolerable and at least it isn’t August anymore. You can now — gradually — step out of your cave.
How do you properly spend your time in summer hibernation? Here are some tips for getting the most out of the hibernating life:
Prepare your cave: Whether you live in a house or an apartment, set up for maximum comfort and minimum sun exposure. You may want to reserve this time to bring out new furniture or decorations, though that may expend too much precious energy. Set aside a moment of silence on July 17 for National Air Conditioning Day for the technology that makes living in Florida’s summer possible.
The pantsdrunk lifestyle: A recent book expanded on the Finnish concept of kalsarikanni, roughly translated as “pantsdrunk.” While Finland certainly has a… different climate, the concept of removing restrictive clothes, relaxing on your bed or sofa, and enjoying (in moderation) adult beverages can definitely be part of summer hibernation.
Saving resources throughout the year: Since you’re spending more time indoors, resources like books, movies, games — and even food — can become scarce from overuse. Prepare for this ahead of time as a squirrel prepares for winter by setting aside special items all year round for the summer (this is a great time to break out that Publix peppermint stick ice cream you’ve been hoarding).
It’s Christmas!: There’s a reason the concept of “Christmas in July” exists. Christmas media and paraphernalia are never more welcome than in the summer. Put up some decorations, watch a Hallmark Christmas movie, and ingest something peppermint-flavored (see: Publix peppermint stick ice cream, above).
Cool activities outside your home: Alas, sometimes you must leave the house and do something to break up the monotony. Tampa Bay has an array of air-conditioned museums you can enjoy and St. Petersburg seems to be adding new ones each year. The Florida Aquarium lets you comfortably delight in animals swimming about, plus you can always go swimming in Florida’s abundance of springs and water parks.
This article appears in Jul 26 – Aug 2, 2018.
