A John Waters Christmas: Holier and Dirtier
Wed., Dec. 16, 8 p.m., at Capitol Theatre, 405 Cleveland St., Clearwater; tickets are $35 and $45; $100 for a VIP package that includes a meet and greet. atthecap.com.

You'd better be bad if you wanna be on John Waters's Christmas list.

For the past decade the filmmaker, writer and humorist has been performing a twisted but cheery holiday stage show in select cities. This year, he's made his mini-tradition a maxi-tour, stopping at some 18 venues, including Clearwater's Capitol Theatre, where he'll headline this Wednesday.

"If they add any more shows, I'll miss New Year's Eve," the 69-year-old fringe patriarch joked during a brief phone interview with CL. 

Waters says he looks forward to the holidays in the most un-ironic way and insists that he's not anti-Christmas. He does concede that it's a stressful time of year for many. "There’s no way you can avoid the steamroller of Christmas," he warns.  

Waters says humor is the best way to cope with the holidays. "When I was a kid, the Christmas tree fell on my grandmother, something my family laughs about until today. …I heard the thump as she hit the presents and I was just nervous that my present got broke!”

What to expect during his live show: "I give advice and talk about everything from Christmas music to Christmas movies to what you should give to how to deal with annoying relatives." 

Though Waters's holiday spirit is firmly intact, he doesn't have a reverential view of Christmas with Christ in the name. His past Holier and Dirtier shows have poked fun at the Nativity scene, which Waters admits gave him the willies as a boy. "What parent would put their child in there with mules and camels and straw?" he shrieks.

As far as religions go, Waters refrains from the low-hanging fruit of Scientology, which is headquartered right around the corner from where he'll be performing. He does, however, comment on the rumored disapproval of gays in the religion and its allegedly closeted and famous members: "If people hate being gay that much, why would we want them? Let Scientology have them. They would just be bad boyfriends to us.

"Scientology is no more ludicrous than what I was taught to believe," Waters adds. "I think most all religions are kind of ludicrous, whether it involves a spaceship or being in heaven. I don’t care. Just don’t make me do it. It’s not like they’re going to kidnap me or anything."

Waters shares what's on his Christmas wish list during the show and says he likes to get rarities of all kinds. One year he received Ike Turner's will. What does Waters like to give? Books. This season his favorite is The Visiting Privilege: New and Collected Stories by Joy Williams, a book that's gotten raves for its mordant wit.

What does Waters recommend you do about that busybody aunt who won't get off your case? Get down on your knees and lick the offending relative's chair, he says. "That always shuts them up!" 

Waters's Christmas show doesn't feature guest stars, though he admits he has a soft spot for the star-studded TV specials of yesteryear. If he were to host one, his guests would include notorious, forgotten celebs like Britney Spears's former beau, Kevin Federline; Eminem's ex-wife, Kim Scott; and Bristol Palin's baby-daddy, Levi Johnston.

The master of the midnight movie adds that he fondly remembers visiting the Bay area last year for the Tampa International Gay and Lesbian Film Festival, where he received lifetime achievement honors. He still has the award, designed by local artist Calan Ree. "I have it hanging in my home office," Waters says of the "Oil Can Girl" statue.

"One college gave me an honorary doctorate this year, too," Waters shares. "What does that mean? I don't know … maybe, now I can prescribe OxyContin and demand tenure."

This article appears in Dec 3-9, 2015.