I'd like to thank Charlie Sheen for gracing Tampa with his positive and positively bat-shit insane presence at the Ice Palace over the weekend. Not only did he share his truly dizzying intellect with literally tens of people ranging from sleeveless welfare drains to curious rubberneckers thinking they might actually see an on-stage suicide, he also apparently infused the Bay area with the biggest catchphrase since Paris Hilton drunkenly mumbled, "That's hot."
Immediately after the Sheen "show," both the Rays and the Lightning treated their fans to a weekend chock full of, duh, winning (sorry). Saturday and Sunday, the Rays took the series up in Toronto that included AL Player of the Week James Shields pitching his second consecutive complete game victory, and the Lightning skated up to Pennsylvania around brunch Saturday after being down three games to one and stomped the crap out of Pittsburgh in a Penguin beatdown not seen since Batman 2 (no, the crappy one from the '80s). Then just like that, Charlie was gone. Only the lingering whiff of megalomania and maybe a brand new STD or two remain.
U.S. District Judge Susan Richard added a twist in the most boring NFL soap opera since Sterger and Favre's Wrangler-snake by basically scolding the NFL and telling them to knock off all this lockout business after declaring the players are likely to suffer harm to their short careers if it were to continue. (We needed a judge to tell us we lose money if we don't work?) The league has filed an appeal and another riveting meeting of the minds is expected on May 16. Meanwhile, the first round of the NFL draft takes place Thursday night.
"Welcome to the NFL, son. We're gonna need that jersey back. Now get the hell out of here, the picket line is that way."
Miami wide receiver and NFL punk #137 Brandon Marshall faced severe and immediate discipline for his apparent behavior problems via a good old-fashioned alleged kitchen-knife stabbing by his wife. Michi Nogami-Marshall was arrested Friday evening for aggravated battery with a deadly weapon and claimed she was protecting herself. Brandon used the old battered-husband standby excuse and told officers that he'd fallen on a broken glass vase, but investigators noted the evidence didn't substantiate that claim (unless he fell on the vase like 97 times and all that red stuff on the knife was Easter egg dye).
At a speaking engagement in Indiana last Saturday, former coach, ESPN analyst and president of Disturbingly-Tight-Sweater Aficionado magazine Bobby Knight said five starters on the 2010 Kentucky basketball team "had not been to class that semester." ESPN has yet to comment about how or if it plans to hold Knight accountable for his comments. Good thing he didn't clap after a NASCAR race or address coach Calipari as "sweet baby" or he'd be out on his gray-haired ass.
NFL ex-con Ron Mexico (alias: Michael Vick) spoke out against a new app created by Android called... wait for it... Dog Wars, which allows players to participate in video game dog fights. The felon issued a statement calling for Android to disallow the app because it portrays dogfighting as fun and games (instead of a serious and complex business, I would assume).
"I've come to learn the hard way that dogfighting is a dead-end street," said the alleged herpes sufferer. "...I think it's important to send the smart message to kids, and not glorify this form of animal cruelty."
Speaking in support of Vick's statements, OJ Simpson went on to say that Rocky V had inspired him to commit murder in 1994. Not because the movie glorified violence, but because it was just that bad a movie.
QUICKER HITS: Lakers forward, the ironically named Derrick Caracter, was arrested on charges of battery, public drunkenness and resisting arrest at a New Orleans International House of Pancakes (Welcome to the club!); after suffering from severe stomach problems for almost a year, Mariners CF Franklin Gutierrez was finally diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome (Welcome to the club! Beer+Taco Bell=Awesome at 3 a.m. but comes at a price later, eh Franklin?); speaking of skid marks, Jason Chambers wore his lucky Kansas basketball outfit for every game during the Jayhawks' 2008 national championship run and last week some naked jackass broke into his house and threw it on commando-style when a police K-9 unit arrived. Lucky break for authorities: If the investigation gets complicated, there should be an abundance of DNA in the stolen shorts.
