The Bucs failed their 3rd real test of the year. The first one was the Steelers (fail) and the second one was the Saints (fail). The rest were doo-doo wins. Yes, I went there. I'm speaking up for the fans who have every right to call ugly football what it is, win or lose. Coach Morris said statistics are for losers. I say if your team has crappy stats and has to mount spectacular comebacks in the 4th quarter to beat other crappy teams? Your luck will run out. It began Sunday.
Did coach Morris stand by his own philosophy and pronounce the only stat that mattered fell short? Hell no. He grabbed the pom-poms. Ready? (clap!) O-KAY!
"The buzz is starting to happen from the young football team, the energy it brings, how we're winning, how we're calling games. You go to our game yesterday, you see a flea-flicker, you see an on-side kick, you see a reverse, you see bonzai blitzes, all-out pressures, 60-yard touchdown runs, back shoulder catches in the end zone, a fourth-and-inches that we get stopped on. It's just an exciting brand of football that Tampa is trying to sell to people and you've got to have a buzz about it.''
Isn't he just adorable? Take a breath before you tinkle, coach. This is an example of why the Raheem Morris experiment won't work. That quote is what you would expect from a fan, an over-exuberant intern in the PR department, an eternally optimistic sports writer (in a school newspaper), or his mother. This is not supposed to come from the lips of an NFL Head coach after a division loss. I don't necessarily disagree with any of that quote, honestly. But it's not Rah-Rah-Raheem's job to tell me how exciting his football team is right after they just gave me a chronic case of blue balls (they're like ice-cream headaches in your naughty-bits, ladies).
Do I have anything positive to say? Of course. But why bother? The head coach already did with such syrupy sweetness that he gave everyone in the room diabetes.
Note to arrogant Bucs fans ripping folks like me for being a negative-Nancy. Never underestimate the significance of ugly wins. Want an example? Your beloved Tony Dungy benched quarterback Trent Dilfer on October 25th, 1999 after beating the Chicago Bears 6-3. Ugly wins are like ugly women. Sure, they're great once in a while and it certainly beats going home alone, but you don't want one every weekend. That's just gross. What. Why are you looking at me like that? Ugly chicks need love, too.
Quicker Hits: Gator and budding textual-poet Chris Rainey was named SEC special teams player of the week for his efforts in the 55-14 nail-biter against Vanderbilt with 136 all-purpose yards, two blocked punts, a 40 yard TD reception and a 200 yard restraining order (It's good to be Chris Rainey. His girlfriend? Not so much); Former Gator/Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow is working on an inspirational memoir scheduled to come out in April (It's a lot like Wilt Chamberlain's book if you replace "women" with "circumcisions"); And despite Steelers safety/dandruff crusader Troy Polamalu's tireless efforts to legalize using your helmet as a battering-ram, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says active players won't be deciding punishment for flagrant hits that merit fines. I don't see why not. Letting the lunatics punish themselves sounds perfectly reasonable. Like this one time? I got an "F" in science? My Mom told me to punish myself? One month of nothing but Atari and Fruit Loops. Lesson learned.
This article appears in Nov 4-10, 2010.