Every so often you have a "grown-up" moment during a familiar experience through adult eyes when you feel something completely different from the days of your carefree youth where your idea of stress was premature ejaculation (seriously, did "It's been a while" and "You're just so attractive" ever work?). My first was when I watched The Price is Right one day and found myself impressed with a coffee table instead of a speedboat. "Good God, I'm becoming a man," I thought to myself. Then I farted and fell back asleep on Mom and Dad's couch. Good times.
Anyhoo, Friday night I had another "grown-up" moment at the Jacksonville Landing, the unofficial kick-off to the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail party before the Florida/Georgia game. A beer fueled tapestry of musical drunken awesomeness representing two proud rival universities ready to rumble. It had been at least ten years since I attended the annual shoulder-to-shoulder shit-faced shenanigans. The moment came when I elbowed my way from A to B and saw an impressive presence of Jacksonville's finest surveying the scene complete with random ID checks. It wasn't so long ago my reaction would have been, "You smell bacon? Looks like Officer Laughs has nuthin better to do than to hassle us for having a good time."
Today?
"Oh, thank heavens. I feel a lot safer knowing the cops are everywhere in case a full-blown riot breaks out, boy-howdy."
Yep, I'm getting old.
Game on.
UGA converts. After losing for the 18th time in 21 years, the Georgia Bulldog mascot apparently had enough and was seen wearing Gator colors at the post game celebration.
"Just wanted to feel like a winner," UGA said after a Jell-O shot.
"I mean hey, hey, hey, listen, listen to me, um (inaudible) you know what? Know what? Hey! You know what? Don't you need to trade victories to be called a rivalry? Haaah, ha-ha-ha (buuuuuuuurp). Ladies! Who's got no thumbs and can lick his own balls? This guy."
Indeed. After the Gators lost three games in a row with no end in sight, Georgia fans walked to the stadium with the predominant theme of, "If we can't beat Florida this year, it may never happen." D'oh!
Same time next year, Dawgs?
Five dash two. For those wondering why frustrated Bucs fans are using, and in some cases, overusing that phrase, a quick history lesson:
October 15th, 1995. The Buccaneers squeak by the Minnesota Vikings 20-17, placing the perennial losers at a surprising 5 and 2 record for the first time since FDR got his first Big Wheel. I'll never forget that press conference. Head Coach Sam Wyche begins his comments with a "Yeah-Hoo!" like he was a frat boy who just got laid. We drafted Derrick Brooks and Warren Sapp, we won four in a row, there was light at the end of the tunnel. And there was Atlanta coming up next.
Atlanta beat us. Then Houston beat us. Then Detroit beat us. We went 2 and 7 the rest of the year and Wyche was sent packing.
Guess what? Atlanta's up. Sorry, Bucs. We've been burned before. We're battered wives afraid to love again. We're not saying we'll never open our hearts to you, and don't get us wrong, we really do like you and stuff. We're just not ready yet.
Can't we just cuddle for now?
Quicker Hits: Giants win World Series (Pat Burrell gets canned by the Rays because he couldn't hit a beach ball with a tennis racket and now he has a ring; Enjoy the Frisco riots, asshole); Speaking of assholes, Randy Moss gets cut from the Vikings for basically the same reason he was cut by them six years ago (between that SNAFU and the Cowboys 1-6 record, Raheem Morris' "best in the NFC" crack doesn't sound quite so ridonkulous after all. Just kidding, it totally still does); Finally a Penn State fan dresses in Michigan colors for Halloween and gets the holy snot beat out of him by fellow Penn State fans. Thankfully, they left the other dude alone who was dressed as a zombie because it was actually Joe Paterno. You stay classy, Happy Valley.
This article appears in Oct 28 – Nov 3, 2010.