Welcome to the Friday freeway. The column that matches your Friday attitude.
"Hurry the f*** up so I can log out, clock out, get out and black out."
I hear you, my cubicle comrades. Today's Binge comes with a beer-bong for extra gluttony goodness. Open up. Okay not so wide, Bowser. I can smell breakfast.
Rays tie but not in a crappy kissing-your-sister kind of way. To be the best you have to beat the best badly in their backyard and if you're going to split a series, take the last two. Check and checkity-check. Rays still trail the Yankees by a half game but after last night's Bronx-butt-blasting 10-3, it didn't feel like it. In the 5th inning however, David Price loaded the bases with one out puckering our collective sphincters so tight that if we farted only dogs would hear it. Skankees were up 3-1 and ready to bust it wide open sending me back to the Miami-Pitt game for good. But it's David freaking Price, bitches. Crisis averted and hit-hilarity ensued. Literally. Yank-me reliever Javier Vasquez plunked three Rays batters in a row so Rudi Stein-pathetically that nobody charged the mound. See you next month, ya pinstriped pricks.
Buc blackout fallout. Blah blah fan's rights, blah blah ticket prices, blah blah Glazers, blah blah NFL should lift blackout rule until economy recovers. Want to see the game? Get a ticket or get out of town. You have options. Stop crying. No wonder other countries hate us. We have the richest poor people in the world. Fat panhandlers with laptops, welfare recipients with flat-screens and nobody has flies on their face. Get a grip.
Bucs secondary looks Grimm (What, puns are comedy gold). Rookie Cody Grimm will get the nod at free safety after Tanard Jackass' failed drug test suspended him for a year or more (Nice going Cheech. Or Scarface). Grimm's father, Russ is a Hall of Famer but that's just a fun fact (Chris Simms and Brian Griese had pretty talented daddies too). Meanwhile, Coach Morris sent a clear message to the team and impressionable kids everywhere by stating that Jackson would be welcome back as soon as the suspension is lifted. Nice lesson, coach. Screw over your team and fans to go party, and your job will be waiting for you when you get back.
Bill's Pick:
Bucs– They're home, it's hot and quarterback Charlie Batch (preseason 4th stringer) played his first game when Cody Grimm was 11 years old. But the offense damn well better shine, otherwise Troy Polamalu and his fabulous hair will knock our boys on their Head and Shoulders.
Now shut down and hit the town. Don't forget to update your Facebook status of how super-psyched you are that it's Friday. I mean, how else would your 38,000 friends know?
This article appears in Sep 23-29, 2010.