We're in the eye of the sports hurricane, people. Which if you peruse your cute-metaphor-to-plain-English dictionary, you'll find that means "there ain't shit going on." If you scour the internet for the latest sports headlines, it's all baseball mid-term report cards, who's your favorite this, impossibly early NFL predictions, will Favre put on football pants or big-boy diapers in 2010, and (gag) the ESPYs. So let's rip through the most significant of the insignificant and then Monday will be my contribution to another popular slow-news staple, the Top 10 list. You're impressed. I can tell.
Agent for German soccer captain Michael Ballack blamed gay players for costing Germany the World Cup. Sounds like 1938 except with fabulous brighter colors. Germany should just stick to what it does best. Porsches and Poop porn.
Northern Ireland's Rory McIlroy made history at the British Open in St. Andrews by shooting a 63 on the Old Course in the opening round to take an early three-shot, tying a major championship record. Tiger Woods (67) and John Daly (66) were hot on his trail. Up-and-coming star McIlroy must think St. Andrews smells like stripper perfume and chicken wings.
All-Star Game ratings lowest since 1972, barely squeaking by a repeat of Wipeout. Guilty. I'm no Nielsen family, but watching contestants rack themselves on those big balls is priceless.
I'll give you a moment to let you absorb the shock. That or figure out who the hell he is, whatever. Johnson (59), after coaching the Vanderbilt Commodores football program for eight seasons, finished his tenure with a 29-66 record. Pretty damn good for Vandi (seriously). I'm going to miss him. Mostly because he looks like Steve Martin. I mean, just look at him. Separated at birth, I swear to God.
Lightning Round:
This article appears in Jul 15-21, 2010.