Bill's Sports Binge: Rival week, Bucs schedule weak and Big Ben's expensive cheek

Smells like intra-state hate. Yes folks, it's rivalry week! What's the capital of Florida? No, FSU grads. It's not the letter "F". It's Tallahassee, home of Florida State University. Or as I like to call it, my safety school. The Gators head North until they smell it, then West until they step in it to play the Seminoles in one of the most hated rivalries in all of sports. Throw the records out when these two teams face each other (thank the sweet Lord).

THE most hated rivalry? Auburn/Alabama. Period. "I'd rather have a daughter in a whorehouse than a son at Auburn", is one of my all-time smack-talkin favs. This game makes soccer hooligans look like lobotomized monks on NyQuil.

[image-1]Quicker Hits: The Colorado Rapids are your new MLS Cup Champions after beating (Anyone? Anyone want to take a crack at this one? No? Me neither); Raiders DT Richard Seymour will be fined $25,000 for punching Ben Roethlisberger in the face during the game against the Steelers (Sounds a tad steep. Is there an easy payment plan option for the average Joe?); Finally, a Yemen beach volleyball player blamed the distraction of bikini-wearing cheerleaders for his team's loss in the Asian games in Guangzhou, China. I can tell you're totally confused. Let me clear it up. First off, you thought beach volleyball players were gay because of Top Gun, right? Nope, just a movie. What? Yes, this was a man. Yes, the 'h' is silent in Guangzhou. No, I don't know if the Chinese government killed off all the ugly ones. Look, forget it. I'm sorry I brought it up.

I don't understand. I like Kool-Aid. It reminds me of birthday parties, sticky fingers, lips redder than a baboon's ass and that giant pitcher dude destroying homes to get us to drink more of it every Saturday morning. And since he was like made of Kool-Aid, wasn't it kind of gross that he wanted us to drink his blood? What a freak. But I digress. My point is, our beloved Bucs are 7-3 after beating the San Francisco 49ers at Candlestick Park for the first time since Billy Carter peed on the White House lawn, but I still ain't drinking the Kool-Aid. The teams the Buccaneers have beaten so far have a combined record of 17-53. Beat a team without a quarterback who's a rookie or a retread, or a coach who'll be on by the end of the season, and I'll take a sip. In fact, if you beat the Ravens (7-3) I'll beer-bong it.

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