After three games of embarrassingly jaw-dropping, eye-rolling, remote-clicking football scores on the Tampa Bay Rays over the weekend, the Red Sux still never did what pitcher James Shields was able to do to them in the fourth. Shut them out. The 30-year-old (or 65 in pitching years) avoided the sweep, sent the Boston trash back to their baked-bean-eating, wife-beating, high-school-not-completing lives, and proved he can still attack the strike zone like a young punk.
Speaking of punks, Rays reliever Fernando Rodney sports an idiosyncrasy slightly more annoying than his first and last name reversed. He wears his cap like Snoop Dogg (Snoop-a-loop is still relevant, right?). Manager Joe Maddon predictably yet disappointingly came to his defense.
"…I love it, and you can put a capital L-O-V-E in there. He's just expressing himself and for those that have a hard time with that, too bad."
Sweet baby Jesus in the manger, Maddon. Do I have to remind you there's no I in capital T-E-A-M? Yo Joe, mind if I take the mound with my Avenger boxers hanging out of my baggy baseball pants? Wait, did I say pants? I meant jorts. Gotta express myself. Madonna said so.
Want individuality? Play tennis, Agassi. (You remember Agassi, right?)
This article appears in Apr 19-25, 2012.