Last week, word got around that Carmike Cinemas wasn’t planning on showing Straight Outta Compton, the biopic on the trailblazing rap group NWA, at Muvico Sundial. The chain didn’t respond to inquiries as to why the film wasn’t showing there, but some have surmised that management was concerned that the film would attract an audience that might get a little too riled up by the film’s message, which in part has to do with racial tensions in 1980s L.A. Too bad for Carmike: Compton was the weekend’s #1 hit (earning more in its opening weekend than the latest Mission:Impossible), and 68 percent of the audience was over 25 — not the trouble-making teenagers Carmike perhaps feared, but people who either dug NWA decades ago or recently developed an appreciation for their sound.
But hey, if theaters want to base their programming on sweeping generalizations, we’re here to offer some advice on other upcoming films that may attract unfavorable elements.
Max Steel (Aug. 28). Synopsis: Basically an action figure sales engine, this film is based on some sweatshop products that apparently had enough branding to inspire a feature film. In short, a teenager named Max and his alien friend can merge and become a superhero at will in order to defeat some sort of enemy of the universe. Threat level: Light green. The threat: The 8-to-12-year-old male demographic is known for flicking boogers and sticking gum on most available surfaces.
The Martian (Oct. 2). Synopsis: An astronaut gets stranded on Mars and decides he has to figure out how to make contact — and get home — amid hell repeatedly breaking loose. Threat level: Orange. The threat: If Hollywood cuts corners or invents sentimental sub-plots not in the book, nerds everywhere will point out the incongruencies in loud whispers to auditoriums full of people who don’t care. Wedgie-related injuries will ensue.
Steve Jobs: The Man in the Machine (Sept. 4); Steve Jobs (Oct. 9). Synopses: The former is a documentary about one of the founders of Apple and the reason no one buys albums anymore. The latter is a biopic starring Michael Fassbender as Jobs, which is weird because didn’t Ashton Kutcher just do that? Threat level: Alabaster. The threat: Ugh. Mac dweebs.
Jem and the Holograms (Oct. 23). Synopsis: Based on the mid-’80s cartoon Jem, this chronicles a young woman who gains rock stardom practically overnight, though the cartoon’s fantastical elements appear to have been scrubbed out, and the music will be similar to what you hear in shopping malls. So what we have will basically be a coming-of-age movie about friendship and stardom changing people and shit. Threat level: Magenta. The threat: Theaters probably perceive the threat as coming from tween girls who will come away from the film screeching Katy Perry songs into their phones for later upload. But the real threat here are women who refer to themselves as “’80s girls,” who will all be disappointed at how not-’80s the movie is, enough so to complain about it later on Facebook.
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part II (Nov. 20). Synopsis: Heroine Katniss Everdeen and her gang attempt not only to survive, but to change a brutal and repressive social order. Threat level: Red, like neon red. The threat: The audience will realize that the series is an allegory pointing to the dim future of American society if we keep allowing the country’s wealth to get concentrated in the hands of the rich while the poor gets screwed, unless they’re lucky enough to get cast in a deadly reality show. Because of that epiphany, viewers are inspired to engage in politics. Bernie Sanders wins the presidency. Slightly higher taxes ensue for all major corporations, including movie theater chains.
Point Break (Dec. 25). Synopsis: A remake of the classic 1991 extreme sports action thriller, but this time it’s EXTREME. Threat level: Burnt umber. The threat: Abs. So. Many. Abs.
This article appears in Aug 20-26, 2015.