With 2010 upon us, I have decided that I am totally qualified to give you a sneak peek into the year to come. So here it is, my expert predictions on the next three-hundred-and-sixty-something days in the glorious world of celebrities, semilebrities and pop culture in general. So get ready for the future, it's gonna be awwwwesoooome.
1. Boy bands will come back with a vengeance. The Jonas Brothers, The Sing-Off... it is clear that the path is being laid for the next pop revolution, with or without Lou Pearlman stealing everybody's monies.
2. Megan Fox will continue her transformation into a classless Angelina Jolie, by buying, ummm, I mean "adopting," a child from the exotic and impoverished land of Meheeco.
3. Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland will be awful and we will be disappointed, again. We will all spend our $9 to go see it, though, and it will make a fortune — thus perpetuating the cycle of Tim Burton and Johnny Depp ruining films we all enjoyed as children well into the next decade. You can all blame yourselves, Americans. Good job.
4. Zooey Deschanel and Ben Gibbard will record a duet together and the indie music world will explode into pink and plaid dust particles from the adorably insane tweeness of it all. Acoustic guitars and cotton dresses will never be seen the same way again.
5. Lost will end and we will still have no idea what the eff was going on the whole time. J.J. Abrams is assassinated by a fan driven mad with confusion and questions. We will never know the truth.
6. Headline: "Michael Jackson Spotted on Deserted Island: Appears to be Building a Fort and Looking for Ru-fi-oooooo and Tinkerbell." You know he isn't really dead ya'll.
7. I hate to say it, but in the tradition of Final Destination I am putting Travis Barker in my 2010 death pool. Logically, it seems unlikely, but DJ AM couldn't avoid the grim reaper and unless Travis is pulling a Devon Sawa, he is the next to go. Note to Travis: Stay away from roller coasters.
8. Speidi will finally fade away into the abyss, only to be seen on VH1's Where Are They Now? in 2018. (Please God, let this be true...please? Seriously, I will be good all year long, I promise.)
9. Adam Lambert will continue to win over the hearts of America's estrogen-filled population, as he takes on a daytime talk show and becomes a shoo-in for the title of "The Next Oprah." Personally, I would trust Adam to tell me how to vote, what to eat and what bra size to wear...in fact, he can personally handle the bra fitting.
10. Steve Perry will rejoin Journey. I know, I am also real excited, cuz I want this soooooo bad.
11. On February 11th, Taylor Lautner will turn 18. Women of Team Jacob will storm his home but he will calm them by standing on his balcony, removing his shirt and revealing his dazzling 24-pack.
12. American Idol will return to ratings higher than the amount of people living in America (this may or may not be possible). We will all gather around our televisions as families, as in olden days, finding great joy in the disillusionment of thousands as they gather at arenas across this great nation of ours and get their asses handed to them by a British guy with hard nips and a bad attitude. And Ellen will kick ass, even though she has some large, narcotics-lined heels to fill.
13. Lady Gaga will go country. It only makes sense — how else is she supposed to shock us in 2010? Fake blood and wheelchairs aren't going to take her far in this "year of the future." She will be on tour with Tim & Faith by September, I would put money on it.
14. The CW will change its name to The OMG to gain even more underage viewers and alienate right-wing Christian mothers. Gossip Girl will become an hour-long Girls Gone Wild video, with more designer clothing and fewer nipple rings. With these moves, the network will solidify its place as America's Innocence-Ruining Network.
15. Disney's acquisition of Marvel Comics last year will spawn a whole new set of comic spin-offs, including, but not limited to SpiderMouse, IronDuck and of course, X-Dwarfs.
16. MySpace will make a comeback, glitter words, personal playlists and... ok, ok, I'm kidding, that is just ridiculous.
17. A-Rod will date Jessica Simpson, claim she needs too much attention and dump her. In retaliation, she will do nothing because it's 2010 not 2000 and no one really cares about Jessica Simpson anymore.
18. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse will be released on June 30th and make a lot of money, like a sick ridiculous, amazing amount of money. I am not kidding, we are talking treasure chest found on the bottom of the ocean kind of fortune here. Related: Vampires will remain super-popular and all the cool people will claim they are totally over that trend.
19. Tiger Woods' dick will fall off from overuse. Married women will smirk in delight. Grown men will cry. VIP waitresses will succumb to banging reality stars and NBA players.
20. Hoverboards. Finally.