With 2010 upon us, I have decided that I am totally qualified to give you a sneak peek into the year to come. So here it is, my expert predictions on the next three-hundred-and-sixty-something days in the glorious world of celebrities, semilebrities and pop culture in general. So get ready for the future, it's gonna be awwwwesoooome.
1. Boy bands will come back with a vengeance. The Jonas Brothers, The Sing-Off… it is clear that the path is being laid for the next pop revolution, with or without Lou Pearlman stealing everybody's monies.
2. Megan Fox will continue her transformation into a classless Angelina Jolie, by buying, ummm, I mean "adopting," a child from the exotic and impoverished land of Meheeco.
3. Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland will be awful and we will be disappointed, again. We will all spend our $9 to go see it, though, and it will make a fortune — thus perpetuating the cycle of Tim Burton and Johnny Depp ruining films we all enjoyed as children well into the next decade. You can all blame yourselves, Americans. Good job.
4. Zooey Deschanel and Ben Gibbard will record a duet together and the indie music world will explode into pink and plaid dust particles from the adorably insane tweeness of it all. Acoustic guitars and cotton dresses will never be seen the same way again.
5. Lost will end and we still have no idea what the eff was going on the whole time. J.J. Abrams is assassinated by a fan driven mad with confusion and questions. We will never know the truth.
6. Headline: "Michael Jackson Spotted on Deserted Island: Appears to be Building a Fort and Looking for Ru-fi-oooooo and Tinkerbell." You know he isn't really dead ya'll.
This article appears in Dec 30, 2009 – Jan 5, 2010.