“We won a game yesterday. If we win one today, that’s two in a row. We win one tomorrow, that’s called a winning streak. It has happened before.”
—Lou Brown, Major League
“Who are these fuckin’ guys?”
—Impressively articulate construction worker, Major League
After the Buccaneers’ uncharacteristic ass-traumatizing of the Atlanta Falcons Sunday afternoon, these two classic quotes kept popping up in my head … along with the ever-present, “I could set the building on fire,” but that’s another conversation for my shrink who suspiciously goes to voice-mail after two rings. Like the guy’s busy at 3 a.m. Please …
Game ball goes to (Ricky) Bobby Rainey out of football factory Western Kentucky (Go Hilltoppers!), home of XFL legend Rod “He Hate Me” Smart, USF head coach Willie Taggart (2-7 … cough!), and this fuckin’ guy. Rainey gashed the dirty bird turds for 163 yards and two touchdowns plus another TD pass for good measure, and the kid is 5'8" (or one inch SHORTER than both Warrick Dunn and Earnest Graham). After going undrafted and being claimed off waivers from the Browns, of all teams, Bobby’s Nintendo numbers surprised everybody in the stadium except my buddy Joe who started him in his fantasy league. Joe has issues.
Speaking of issues, the hand-wringers of the NFL slapped Buc safety Dashon Goldson with a one-game suspension without pay for essentially playing football. Goldson was playing what used to be referred to as “defense” when he hit Falcons receiver Roddy White … hard. Because that’s what they do in football. But since their helmets collided — as they tend to do when players run into each other — it’s a safety rule violation. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Bottom line: Just because collisions are initiated by the defender, the ball-carrier in question accepts the real possibility of a crash as soon as he’s cool with taking the pigskin off the quarterback’s hands. It’s a mutual contract, regardless of whose idea it was to hit first. It’s the defender’s goal to knock the other guy into next month and it’s the offensive dude’s intention to bowl him over for a few extra yards, if not a touchdown. I’ve seen ball-carriers “duck” their heads either to instinctively protect themselves or to give as good as they get and are at least 50-percent responsible for the resulting helmet-to-helmet make-out session. Why is it exclusively the defender’s fault? It’s like a cop arresting the guy who won a brawl in the stands when it may very well have been the guy lying in his own blood’s fault. Shoulders and helmets are millimeters apart. Hats hit. It’s not always intentional when you’re dealing with speeds that normal shmoes like you and me can’t comprehend. Run, Duck, Boom, Owie … you okay, buddy? Back to the huddle with ya then, next play. When a thug obviously crowns a poor sap and shatters his face, fine the bastard into the Stone Age. Officials should be able to figure that out. Pass interference, intentional grounding, unnecessary roughness, unsportsmanlike conduct … intentional spearing. Keep it subjective and not automatic. That’s why people hate red-light cameras.
Looks like that sexual assault thingie against Florida State Quarterback Jameis Winston may have to take a powder after officials out of Tallahassee reported the alleged victim “changed her mind” and decided not to press charges. Apparently, about a year ago the victim got “intoxicated at a local bar,” then, according to the complaint, was allegedly assaulted by somebody who may or may not have been a guy who looks kind of sort of similar yet much shorter than Jameis, who wasn’t officially mentioned. But the report inexplicably sat around for 11 months before coming to light due to new developments (New Development = Winston is successful and popular now).
Besides, an unnamed source came forward and suggested the whole thing was a misunderstanding when somebody was overheard at the bar babbling, “Winston tastes good … like a cigarette should” (ask your Dad about that joke).
Honorable Afterthoughts: Good News, Lightning great Marty St. Louis played his 1,000th game Tuesday night. Bad News, the Boltz lost to the Kings that night in a 5-2 slopfest; the Florida Gators, who haven’t won a game since Oct. 5 (was I ever that young?) host the Georgia Southern … (papers rustling) … Eagles this Saturday. Georgia Southern is already bitching about how this game is going to destroy their strength of schedule rating; finally, Duke beats Miami … wait for it … in football … wait, one more … like, beat the shit out of them 48-30. After rubbing my eyes like a cartoon character to make sure I wasn’t reading it wrong, I grinned and laughed like the Joker for an hour and wet my pants … you know, like the Joker. What, he didn’t? Which Batman villain peed himself? None? Mom, you lied.
This article appears in Nov 21-27, 2013.