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  • My second-most-favorite-guy-to-hate, Jon Gosselin (second only to Spencer Pratt), is relieved that his new, 23-year-old girlfriend thinks he is normal. Most 23-year-old girls also think it is normal to do kegstands, be slipped date-rape drugs and live off their parents' college funds. I am not sure she is the best judge of "normal," but whatever helps you sleep, Ed Hardy.
  • Amanda Bynes has announced her retirement from acting, something she hasn't done in a few years and when she did, was not so hot at it. In a related statement, I would like to announce that I have retired from surfing and being a college student.
  • Top Chef's Padma Lakshmi thinks her child will have a good palate because she has "eaten a lot of testicles" in her days. Oh Padma, I don't think that's how it works, my dear.

After the jump: pregnancy tests, vaginas and kidnappings, oh my!