My mom told me recently that she and her girlfriend were thinking about getting married, then the next thing I know I'm talking to her girlfriend about it on the porch before heading off to work. I said she had my blessing as long as they got engaged first. I honestly didn't think that'd be a big stumbling block, because moving in together at their age is a pretty big commitment (I'm in my 20s and going to school so I still live at home). Anyway, I thought I was being goofy, but her girlfriend just smiles and nods and says she'll think on that. That's a blowoff in my book, but I had to go and not follow up and ask more. Then this morning, again as I'm heading out the door, mom tells me she and her girlfriend had The Talk, and the girlfriend never wants to get married. She says her relationships seem to last for about two years, tops. Mom wants to get married, but doesn't know what to do. I feel like I know what she should do. They're a year in. She should end it and move on. But I didn't say that because I know she'll be crushed if they break up. She really loves this woman. But she does this, she gets with women who break her heart. How can I advise her, what would you say?
Wanting Two Moms
Dear Wanting Two Moms,
There's a lot I don't know about this situation, but it's clear you love your mother very much. I'm so glad you didn't tell her about your conversation with her girlfriend, because I hate to tell you this, but it's none of your business. Even if you plan to live there forever, which it doesn't sound like you want to do, if your mom wants to invite her intimate partner to live in the house, you don't really have a say in that. She knew you were walking out the door. Maybe that was on purpose? She said she didn't know what to do, did she actually want you to tell her? Put another way, how would you feel if your mom moved into your house, then started dropping advice about your partner, whom you loved very much? Probably you'd think, Thanks, but I didn't ask.
It doesn't sound like the girlfriend was asking, either. You just came out with a demand–get engaged or don't move in. Now, again, put yourself in that woman's place. You might feel so put on the spot that you took a stand you didn't even believe in just to be a rebel. Maybe you wouldn't, but that doesn't change the fact that someone else's marriage is not for you to negotiate.
Even more importantly, you seem to assume that without marriage, it's not a relationship. I don't need to remind you that until very recently, marriage was not an option for gay couples. And I know many people of varying sexual preferences who simply aren't interested in getting married. That doesn't preclude them from having relationships. Marriages end, too. You're right that moving in together is a pretty big commitment. That could be plenty.
That, my dear Wanting, is what I have to offer you in this particular situation. That said, I do have some thoughts that pertain to your mother. I'm only offering them to you because I worry vaguely that you may have picked up some bad habits.
It's more telling that they didn't seem to have this talk in advance of moving in. While it would literally never occur to me to tell someone else to get married, it does seem like you're right, that your mother wants to get married. I'm extrapolating that from her disappointment. But it could also be that she's worried about that two-year thing. Either way, how could they not have discussed this?
It is so important to tell your truth. Women are conditioned to be sweet, smile more, and not show their anger. And whether it's a woman or a man trying to play nice for the sake of getting along, this ends up being corrosive to intimacy. Your mother had to know her partner's feelings about marriage. Most likely, she didn't bring it us because she didn't want to make waves.
But oh, nice girls don't make history.
After being criticized for her appearance at the State of the Union, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez asked, "Why should I be 'spirited and warm' for this embarrassment?" I look forward to the day that spirit fully infiltrates society.
That's the kind of honesty I challenge you to both offer and seek. This doesn't mean telling your mother what to do. I'm talking about telling intimate partners what you think and want. Don't go on that camping trip if you hate tent life. Don't listen to music you can't stand because they like it. Of course you really have to know yourself first. You don't want to reflexively be closed to the wonderful adventures a new partner can bring. And stay in your own lane, don't diminish their interests for the sake of honesty. But don't avoid conversations out of fear of disagreement. You will disagree, that's part of being around other people. You're not the same person.
Just be beautiful you.
Love, Confidential
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This article appears in Apr 11-18, 2019.