13 GOING ON 30 (PG-13) Tempting as it is to call this Big for girls, it's even more accurate to dub the movie Big minus brains. 13 Going on 30 is about an insecure 13-year-old girl who makes a wish in 1987 and wakes up in 2004 as leggy, 30-year-old Jennifer Garner, a successful but emotionally unfulfilled career woman. All the anticipated and all-but obligatory jokes are here ("Wow," says Garner's character, "I've got boobs!"), and the movie does little to disguise its myriad cliches or blatant attempts to manipulate our emotions. Garner is an enormously appealing screen presence, but virtually everything that surrounds her here is a chore to sit through. The director is Gary Winick, whose previous film was the ridiculously overrated but marginally more interesting Tadpole. Also stars Mark Ruffalo, Judy Greer and Andy Serkis. 
1/2
THE ALAMO (PG-13) The new version of Alamo doesn't seem overly interested in glorifying American legends or in debunking them. Instead, it merely plods along from scene to scene, ambivalent toward its characters, and barely glued together in a way that indicates nothing so much as being the product of too many cooks. There are too many characters vying for our attention, and most of them come off so badly or blandly that's it hard to much care about any of them. At first glance, the film even seems a little reactionary, as if the main reason it exists is to chip away at everything about the original movie it's supposedly remaking. Ultimately The Alamo just doesn't seem to have a handle on what sort of movie it wants to be, wavering between traditional period adventure, cynical, revisionist history and meandering, multi-character mini-series. The action scenes aren't very good either. Stars Billy Bob Thornton, Jason Patrick, Dennis Quaid, Emilio Echevarria and Patrick Wilson.
THE BATTLE OF ALGIERS (NR) As if further proof of the continuing importance of Gillo Pontecorvo's 1966 masterpiece were required, it's worth noting that this is the film screened for bigwigs at the Pentagon in the aftermath of the last Gulf War. Employing a documentary-like approach that was nothing less than revolutionary at the time and still looks fresh and convincing, The Battle of Algiers depicts Algerian "freedom fighters" (Terrorists? Militants?) struggling to liberate their Muslim nation from the occupying Western (French) forces. Anyone who misses the parallels to the present situation in Iraq would have to be blind, and the film's ability to draw attention to a multitude of political and moral ambiguities is simply remarkable. In addition to everything else, Pontecorvo's film succeeds beautifully as both full-fleshed drama and thriller. A must-see. Stars Yacef Saadi, Jean Martin and Brahiim Haqqiaq. Call Madstone Theaters for dates and times. 1/2
CONNIE AND CARLA (PG-13) Nia Vardalos (My Big Fat Greek Wedding) channels Some Like It Hot and comes up with the story of a pair of dinner theater performers (Vardalos and Toni Collette) on the lam from the mob and forced to disguise their true genders. The, uh, "twist" here is that the performers are women masquerading as men masquerading as women — which is to say, drag queens. Also stars David Duchovny. (Not Reviewed)
DAWN OF THE DEAD (R) One might ponder the reasons for remaking George Romero's nearly perfect horror classic, but, hey — the bottom line is that you can never have too many zombie movies. Actually, the word "zombie" is never even uttered in the 2004 version, and the creatures themselves more closely resemble the shrieking sprinters of 28 Days than the lumbering icons from Romero's original. Also missing in action are the original's famous images of the living dead strolling about the shopping mall where our heroes are trapped, or any other swipes at our happily zombified consumer culture. What we get instead is a competent but much more conventional thrill machine, filled with a steady stream of decent scares and even more flying hunks of bloody flesh than you'll see in Mel's Passion. It's an adequate fright flick but not much more, with a final 20 minutes that degenerates into just another extended and overly chaotic chase scene. Stars Sarah Polley, Ving Rhames, Jake Weber, Mekhi Phifer and Ty Burrell.
ELLA ENCHANTED (PG) A muddled Miramax fantasy that can't decide whether it's a sweet fairy tale for the kiddies or a grown-up social critique, Ella Enchanted attempts to be all things to all people, and fails pretty miserably across the board. The Cinderella-by-way-of-Shrek story takes place in a magical kingdom where Ella (Anne Hathaway of The Princess Diaries) is wooed by a Prince (Cary Elwes), and finds her life complicated by her scheming, evil stepsisters. As far as the grown-up stuff, there's some anything-but-subtle feminist subtext involving Hathaway's character being put under a magical spell that makes her "obedient," some jokes about Pottery Barn, and some half-hearted material about the "repression" of elves, ogres, giants and other species. The attempts at political and cultural relevance are shallow and, worse yet, the comedy is basically lame. Also stars Joanna Lumley, Vivica A. Fox and Eric Idle.
ENVY (PG-13) It was only a matter of time before somebody came up with the bright idea of teaming Ben Stiller and Jack Black, and that moment is here. Stiller plays a guy consumed with jealousy when his neighbor and former friend (Black) becomes wildly successful. Also stars Christopher Walken and Rachel Weisz. Opens April 30 at local theaters. (Not Reviewed)
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND (R) The new movie from screenwriter Charlie Kaufman (Being John Malkovich, Adaptation) is a wistful tale about the end of a love affair. It's also a wicked black comedy/sci-fi yarn that deconstructs its own narrative through an almost maddeningly complex structure that inevitably mirrors the workings of the human mind itself. Two lovers, Joel (Jim Carrey) and Clementine (Kate Winslett), end their relationship and, through some strange (but, in accordance with the movie's own wacko logic, totally mundane) procedure, have each other wiped from their memories. It's here that the bulk of Eternal Sunshine unfolds, within Joel's brain during the erasing process, as his memories play out, mutating into ever more wildly exaggerated forms before finally folding in on themselves, then withering and disappearing. Director Michel Gondry pulls out all the stops depicting what goes on inside Joel's brain, assaulting the viewer with a relentless barrage of audacious effects, ultra-rapid edits and all other manner of edgy, convoluted flourishes. Not all of it works, of course, but there are moments of considerable beauty and insight, not to mention a couple of awfully funny bits. Also stars Kirsten Dunst, Tom Wilkinson and Elijah Wood. 1/2
THE GIRL NEXT DOOR (R) Careful kids, the title of this teen comedy shouldn't be taken at face value (wink, wink). A straight-arrow boy's dream comes true when he and his new, seemingly innocent neighbor fall in love. Then he discovers she's an ex-porn star! Stars Emile Hirsch and Elisha Cuthbert. (Not Reviewed)
GODSEND (PG-13) Greg Kinnear and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos star as a couple who clone their dead son, only to find that little Version Two has brought along some dark secrets with him. Also stars Robert De Niro. Opens April 30 at local theaters. (Not Reviewed)
GOODBYE, LENIN! (R) In the late '80s, an East German hausfrau and passionate Party supporter falls into a coma, sleeps right through the Fall of Communism, and then wakes up in the brand new, Capitalist wonderland of a newly reunited Germany. The rub is that, in order to spare her poor heart any undue shock, the woman's son and daughter manufacture an elaborate illusion in which it appears that the radically changed world in which mama now lives is exactly the same as it was. An unusually entertaining and enlightening blend of comedy, pathos and social observation, Wolfgang Becker's Goodbye, Lenin! fully lives up to the promise of its almost absurdly rich premise. Although its core story is small and intimate, the film details some of the 20th century's most pivotal moments, albeit in a manner that's as casual as it is crucial. Becker's movie manages to be politically smart and emotionally resonant (particularly regarding mother-love) without tugging on our heartstrings too violently. Stars Katrin Sass, Daniel Bruhl and Chupan Khamatova.
HELLBOY (PG-13) As Michael Mann can tell you from his experience directing The Keep, nothing quite beats the combination of Nazis and the supernatural. Hellboy does Mann one better, throwing lots of slimy, Lovecraftian monsters and undying super-assassins into the mix. Based on the Dark Horse action-fantasy comic about crime-fighting demons, Hellboy may remind some of X-Men or Men in Black and others of Ghostbusters with very sharp teeth. Director Guillermo Del Toro (Blade II, Cronos, The Devil's Backbone) brings his own distinctive vision to the project, however, creating a world rich in atmosphere, humor, humanity and an imagination that occasionally borders on the nightmarish (although things also often veer in the other direction, toward unabashed silliness). The nominal star is Ron Perlman, at home again under a ton of bright red makeup that makes him look like a big surly monkey with horns. The real star, though, is Del Toro, who is increasingly beginning to look like one of contemporary cinema's few genuine poets of the fantastic. The movie's rated PG-13 but it's a hard PG-13, by the way, so parents of small kiddies be warned. Also stars Selma Blair, John Hurt, Jeffrey Tambor and Rupert Evans.
HIDALGO (PG-13) Viggo Mortensen is Frank Hopkins, a moral man in the morality challenged America of the 19th century (not unlike Cruise's Last Samurai). Hopkins also loves his horse, Hidalgo, a scrappy mixed breed that all too clearly represents the melting pot ideal of all that's best in America. And so when pesky foreigners start bad-mouthing the horse and challenge its master to participate in a grueling 3,000-mile race across the Arabian desert, Hopkins jumps at the chance. The big race takes up most of Hidalgo's running time, and there's much talk about how impossibly difficult and awful it all is, but we almost never get a sense of that being true. There's a big digital effect of a sandstorm midway through the movie, and Arab bandits skulk about calling Hopkins an infidel, but most of the movie has all the suspense and dramatic gravity of an overly sanitized Disney cartoon. Also stars Omar Sharif, Zuleikha Robinson and Louise Lombard. 1/2
HOME ON THE RANGE (PG) If you've been waiting your whole life for a movie where Roseanne Barr tells us right up front, "I'm a cow" — well, the wait is over. The thing about the Disney animated feature Home on the Range is that Barr really is a cow — or at least she's lending her voice to one — although she's in good company, with Dame Judi Dench supplying another bovine voice. Together with cow No. 3 (Jennifer Tilly as a psycho-babbling new-agey heifer) and an assortment of other plucky barnyard animals, the trio become bovine bounty hunters in order to collect the reward money needed to save their farm. There's some nice retro hand-drawn animation here (just to prove it's not quite dead yet), and some amusing gags involving animals who seem to think they're in spaghetti westerns or kung-fu movies. Other than that, Home on the Range is a pleasant enough diversion but not really memorable in the manner of so many of Disney's very best films. Also features the voices of Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Randy Quaid.
JERSEY GIRL (PG-13) Lord knows what was going on in Kevin Smith's mind to cause him to make this stinker, but the movie's sheer awfulness almost renders the question moot. Ben Affleck stars as a single dad living at home with his widower dad (George Carlin) and raising an impossibly cute 7-year-old daughter (Raquel Castro). Whether you love or hate Smith's previous films, it's impossible not to see Jersey Girl as the exact opposite of everything he's ever done. Smith's new movie is as sentimental, as by-the-numbers and, frankly, as brain-dead as any conventional romantic comedy you've ever seen, with most the big drama involving Affleck's character getting together with a cute video store clerk (Liv Tyler) or trying to get his former job back. Also stars Stephen Root.
JOHNSON FAMILY VACATION (PG-13) This is an African-American National Lampoon's Vacation, which raises the question: Why would Cedric the Entertainer want to be Chevy Chase when he has the potential to be much funnier, without the premature burnout? The incidents on the road prove too stupid for words, and while Cedric has some good one-liners, you can hear most of them in the trailer. —Steve Warren
KILL BILL, VOLUME TWO (R) There's still a goodly amount of blood and guts to be found here, but if KB1 was all form and slick, shocking exteriors, then KB2 often appears to be the inside of the story, the so-called heart. KB2 is still basically a cartoon, albeit a more elaborately illustrated one, but it's also where the story behind the story of the first film starts opening itself up and, eventually, turning itself inside out. Tarantino's new movie sometimes almost seems to be on the verge of becoming a blood-spattered chick flick about the, uh, complicated relationship between Uma Thurman's retired assassin and her former employer and lover, Bill (David Carradine). In the end, KB2 is more interesting for how it defies expectations than for what it actually achieves, but it's nice to see that Tarantino hasn't completely turned his back on the idea of telling a genuine story peopled by real-live humans with real-live emotions. Also stars Michael Madsen and Darryl Hannah.
KITCHEN STORIES (NR) Norwegian director Brent Hamer's eccentric but ultimately endearing comedy is a classic example of less is more. The story here is a bit odd but rigorously minimal — a Swedish statistician comes to Norway to observe the domestic habits of local bachelors — and the movie's dry, deadpan humor often hangs on just a look, a gesture or an extra beat of anticipation. The film is slight but slyly ingratiating, with its droll sight gags and social observations eventually giving way to a fairly standard bonding story between a middle-age Swedish observer and the old Norwegian bachelor he's supposed to be dispassionately tracking. There's even a tiny undercurrent of the homoerotic here, although it's all about as stirring as a warm pair of feetie pajamas. Stars Joachim Calmeyer and Tomas Norstrom.
THE LADYKILLERS (PG-13) The latest oddball odyssey from those wacky Coen Brothers remakes the beloved British comedy about a gang of crooks and con men using the home of an elderly widow as a base from which to pull off a heist. The movie's edges have been dutifully smoothed out and its characters, while colorful and eccentric, are never memorably odd in the best Coen tradition. Despite the occasional signature touch — a cat with a human finger in its mouth, a running gag involving Irritable Bowel Syndrome, a man giving mouth-to-mouth to a bulldog — the movie feels like another exploration of the mainstream vein recently opened up, to similarly mixed results, in Intolerable Cruelty. Most frustrating of all is the film's finale, a reduction of the original's elaborate last act to what feels like a rushed, 10-minute afterthought. Stars Tom Hanks, Irma P. Hall, Marlon Wayans and J.K. Simmons.
LAWS OF ATTRACTION (PG-13) Pierce Brosnan and Julianne Moore play dueling divorce lawyers dealing with a massive mutual attraction that should make things more interesting, but doesn't, in this latter day riff on Adam's Rib. The mush-headed script is as dull as they come, leaving us with a movie that isn't really much more than a showcase for some watchable chemistry between the stars. Moore is a bit out of her element here, but gamely manages a few passable comedic moves, while the ever-charming Brosnan displays to full advantage that perfectly sculpted hair that adorns both his scalp and pecs. That's about it. Also stars Frances Fisher and Nora Dunn. Opens April 30 at local theaters.
MAN ON FIRE (R) Reigning action hero/sensitive guy Denzel Washington and precocious cutie-pie Dakota Fanning star in this Tony Scott-directed thriller about a disillusioned bodyguard who goes ballistic when the child he's sworn to protect is abducted. Also stars Radha Mitchell. (Not Reviewed)
MYSTIC RIVER (R) Clint Eastwood's latest directorial offering dives into somewhat unfamiliar waters, with mostly successful results. Mystic River is an epic tragedy about how two devastating events, a quarter-century apart, change a handful of lives in a Boston working class neighborhood. Eastwood's film is uncharacteristically filled with charged symbols and nakedly emotional Big Speeches, but the top-notch ensemble cast is good enough to pull it off and leave us wanting more. Tim Robbins is particularly effective as the damaged man-child who never quite recovered from being molested as a child, and Sean Penn burns up the screen as a man with a dead daughter and one too many secrets. Also stars Kevin Bacon, Laura Linney, Laurence Fishburne and Marcia Gay Harden. 1/2
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST (R) Mel Gibson's controversial account of Jesus' last 12 hours is a visceral and deliberately punishing experience that goes to great lengths fetishizing its copious pain, suffering, gore and instruments of torture. For all of its classy production values, in fact, The Passion often feels uncomfortably close to a basic, whips "n' chains exploitation flick, albeit one produced with God on its side. It's all quite beautiful, though, in a grim and grisly sort of way. There's also the little matter of the movie's thinly veiled anti-Semitism, whereby the Romans are the ones doing the heavy lifting but the Jews are seen as the ones pulling the strings in this cosmic tragedy. The real problem here, however, is that all that endless, bloody excess eventually becomes redundant, then numbing, and finally just boring. Stars Jim Caviezel, Monica Bellucci, Maia Morgenstern, Mattia Sbragia and Hristo Shopov.
THE PRINCE & ME (PG) A pampered Danish prince (Luke Mably) falls for a no-nonsense pre-med student (Julia Stiles) in this rom-com that derives equally from The Prince and the Pauper and Cinderella. Stiles shows more charm than usual, and her discomfort in the Danish court makes up a bit for the sluggish, prince-out-of-water scenes in America. The film almost challenges the storybook princess fantasy fetishized in recent teen films, but chickens out at the last minute. —Curt Holman
THE PUNISHER (R) There are traces of human warmth and kindness here, but The Punisher is mostly a no-frills revenge flick that embraces its B-movie nihilism with icy relish. Thomas Jane stars as a vigilante sworn to make life miserable for the man responsible for killing his family (John Travolta). As revenge flicks go, The Punisher isn't nearly as extreme or even as original as some, but it's lean and mean and just smart enough to occasionally poke fun at its own brutal formula. Stray moments of humor leaven the violence and negativity, and the script manages to keep things interesting enough by treading the fine line between encouraging sympathy for Castle as a tragic hero/victim and portraying him as a killing machine beyond good and evil. The cast is surprisingly convincing too, and the movie's look is appropriately dark, gritty and even a little tawdry, pushing deep into Death Wish territory, which is exactly as it should be. Also stars Laura Harring, Will Patton and Rebecca Romijin-Stamos. 1/2
SACRED PLANET (G) Robert Redford narrates this Large Format IMAX journey to various exotic locations around the world. (Not Reviewed)
SCOOBY DOO 2: MONSTERS UNLEASHED (PG) This sequel to last year's big screen Doo isn't much more than you might expect, but it does beat the original on several counts. The CGI effects are more interesting and better integrated with the live action, beginning with the computer generated title pooch, who doesn't look nearly as grotesque this time around. Even more importantly, Scooby Doo 2 gets the crucial mix of scares to laughs down pat, with an array of monsters that, while spooky, rarely come off as too intense for the movie's core audience of 6- to 8-year-olds. Beyond that, it's business as usual, with Matthew Lillard giving us more of his spot-on Shaggy routine, Freddie Prinze Jr. looking right at home sporting Freddie's ascot, Sara Michelle Gellar busting out some prime Buffy moves, and a thoroughly un-mysterious mystery for the gang to solve. Also stars Seth Green and Peter Boyle.
SECRET WINDOW (PG-13) As with so many recent Johnny Depp projects, it often seems like Depp is pretty much the whole show in Secret Window. The plot itself is nothing special — a distraught writer (Depp) is menaced by an ominous redneck (John Turturro) who accuses him of plagiarism — but the movie is filled with pleasantly eccentric touches that you wouldn't expect with routine thriller material like this. Chief among those pleasant eccentricities is Depp himself, who spends much of the movie in a ratty bathrobe and perennially mussed, fright-wig hair, ranting and mumbling to himself. Likewise, there's a lushly mysterious musical score by Philip Glass that makes us feel that there's more going on here than there really is. Unfortunately with Secret Window, what you see is what you get. The film is based on a very minor short story by Stephen King. Also stars Maria Bello and Timothy Hutton.
TAKING LIVES (R) Nothing sets Taking Lives apart from countless other crime thrillers (except Academy Award-winner Angelina Jolie's bare breasts). Jolie plays the foxy, fearless Illeana Scott, a top FBI profiler hired to track down a serial, chameleon-like killer who steals the identities of his victims. The movie takes a twist when Jolie's character finds herself the victim of deception. Certain aspects of the story are confusing and irrelevant, which is sort of a hallmark of this genre, as is the predictable ending and the inhospitable local police team threatened by a talented, methodological agent helping to solve a case. As holes gape in the plot, the movie's appeal fades. Also stars Ethan Hawke and Keifer Sutherland. 1/2—Whitney Meers/Cooper Cruz
WALKING TALL (PG-13) With a running time of barely 75 minutes, Walking Tall feels like a movie whittled down to the essentials, and just barely going through the motions. Sadly, those essentials don't include character development or attempts to craft an interesting, cohesive story. This is all you need to know: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson stars as a tough, ex-soldier who finds that his nice little hometown has turned into a den of iniquity and vows to single-handedly clean it up. The action scenes are energetic and bloody, and Johnny Knoxville provides some pleasant comic relief as the hero's sidekick, but this wisp of a movie is mostly just a reason for audiences to squeal at The Rock's pecs and scream "Kill him!" when his character corners the bad guys. Also stars Neal McDonaugh and Ashley Scott.
WEATHER UNDERGROUND (NR) Remember when terrorists were far more likely to be pampered white kids from New Jersey than Muslim fanatics from any number of Arab countries? Well, unless you're in the range of a half-century old or know your American history really well, you probably don't remember — but luckily, you have Sam Green and Bill Siegel's new documentary to remember for you. Weather Underground is the story of the infamous Weathermen, a group of '60s revolutionaries whose dedication to the violent overthrow of the U.S. government led to their bombings of dozens of public buildings (not excluding the Pentagon). Siegel and Green let the Weatherman tell their own story, assembling several former members who wax nostalgic about what it was like to be young, smart and high on sex, drugs and revolution. The talking heads present a fascinating portrait of what is essentially the flip side of peace 'n' love hippie-ism, but it's hard to shake the feeling that Weather Underground is letting its characters off the hook. The movie is an admirable beginning history lesson of the once-and-former Radical Left, but it doesn't go nearly deep enough in exploring the contradictions and ethical conundrums inherent in the movement. Even if the film doesn't exactly glamorize political terror, there are some problematic implications to be found here for anyone who cares to read between the lines.
Reviewed entries by Lance Goldenberg unless otherwise noted.
This article appears in Apr 29 – May 5, 2004.