BAD SANTA (R) Billy Bob Thornton stars as the world's worst department store Santa in this new black comedy from Terry Zwigoff (Crumb, Ghost World). Also stars Bernie Mac and Lauren Graham. Opens Nov 26 at local theaters. (Not Reviewed)
BROTHER BEAR (G) There's nothing particularly bad about Disney's latest animated feature, but not much really stands out either. Joaquin Phoenix provides the voice for Kenai, a brash young warrior who learns about humility and love when he's magically transformed into a bear and forced to walk a mile in the shoes — er, paws — of the very critters he's blithely killed. The lush animation is mostly of the old-fashioned 2-D variety, the obligatory, ultra-cute talking animal sidekick is on hand (a little cub called Koda), and the moral instruction offered by the movie, while well-meaning and potentially valuable, is a bit too preachy for both tykes and their parental units. It's all several notches up from straight-to-video, but there's a blandly familiar, weirdly generic feel to the story and characters (sort of Lion King meets Pochahantas' Native American mysticism). And while it's a treat to see Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas reprising their classic Mackenzie Brothers routine in the form of a pair of hop-loving Canadian moose, even that can't compensate for Phil Collins' pompous, New Agey muzak. Also features the voices of D.B. Sweeney, Jeremy Suarez and Michael Clarke. 
BUBBA HO-TEP (PG-13) Cruising into town on a jet stream of attitude and a buzz of nearly Blair Witch proportions, Bubba Ho-Tep is one of those movies that winds up sounding way better than it actually is. After all, how can you not love a film about Elvis and JFK teaming up to take on a reanimated Egyptian mummy? As it turns out, the premise is the best thing about Bubba Ho-Tep, a self-styled Cult Movie in search of a cult. The film never quite manages to live up to its outrageously high concept, or rise above the urge to wink at itself (and us) a little too obviously and too often. Bruce Campbell (Evil Dead) makes a surprisingly effective old Elvis, but there's a lot of padding and dead air in between those outrageous hooks. Also stars Ossie Davis and Ella Joyce. Plays at Channelside Cinemas and AMC Veterans. Call theaters to confirm. 1/2
DR. SEUSS' THE CAT IN THE HAT (PG) The sets are as crazily colorful as you'd expect from a movie directed by a former production designer, but that's about all The Cat in the Hat has going for it. The jokes are weak, the musical numbers and special effects decidedly un-special, and Mike Meyers' titular character is neither particularly funny nor endearing. Meyers looks lumpy and uncomfortable in his oversized cat suit, playing the character as an unappealing cross between Regis Philbin, Oz's Cowardly Lion and his own New Yawk Coffee Talk Lady. The movie never really gets going, and seems to be overcompensating for its tepidness by practically screaming in our ear "Are we having fun yet?!" every 15 seconds. An even worse Seuss adaptation than the recent The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. Also stars Alec Baldwin, Kelly Preston, Dakota Fanning and Spencer Breslin. 1/2
ELF (PG) A good bit more than just another forgettable project for some former SNL cast member, Elf benefits from some very funny gags, smart direction, and a solid cast — beginning with its star, Will Ferrell. Ferrell plays Buddy, an overgrown Gump-ian man-child raised by elves (don't ask), who now finds himself in the urban jungle of the human world in search of his biological father (James Caan). Ferrell remains one of the funniest and most underrated performers ever to pass through the SNL factory, and director Jon Favreau gives him plenty of room to display the fearless, manic comedy he does so well. The humor veers between gleefully lowbrow slapstick and over-the-top oddness verging on performance art, but most of it works surprisingly well. The supporting cast is appealing as well, beginning with Caan, who makes a great straight man to Ferrell's ball of absurdist energy. Also stars Zooey Deschanel, Mary Steenburgen and Ed Asner. 1/2
THE GOSPEL OF JOHN (PG-13) Epic (and reportedly nearly word-for-word), three-hour telling of the Gospel of John, in which the adult Jesus meets opposition as he attempts to bring his ministry to the people. Stars Henry Ian Cusick, Richard Lintern and Stephen Russell. (Not Reviewed)
GOTHIKA (R) In her first post-Oscar role, Halle Berry plays a psychotherapist who begins seeing nasty visions and winds up in the damaged souls section of a prison that more closely resembles a haunted house than a penitentiary. The story teases us with some Is she actually nuts or is there really something supernatural afoot? mind games, but that's only window dressing for what is essentially just your basic freaky horror flick. Neon lights flicker at predictable intervals, the wind howls incessantly, and director Mathieu Kassovitz's camera twirls about to the point of distraction, sort of a 21st-century equivalent of those irritating zoom shots of the '70s. The movie is stylish, and Berry holds her own, but Gothika's script is a plodding, convoluted mishmash of horror cliches (complete with eleventh-hour revelations). Even worse, everybody but Berry and Robert Downey often gives the impression that they're being directed by someone with a less-than-perfect grasp of the nuances of the English language. Also stars Penelope Cruz and Charles S. Dutton.
HAUNTED MANSION (PG) The year's second movie based on a Disney theme park attraction isn't quite the unexpected surprise that Pirates of the Caribbean was, but there are certainly worse ways to while away an empty hour or two. Eddie Murphy stars as a workaholic real estate agent trapped with his wife and kids in a creepy house inhabited by ghosts. The movie's target audience is 12 and under, but there's an actual attempt at a plot, of sorts (something about an ancient curse resulting from a tragically ended romance), some respectable special effects and appealing performances both from Murphy and Terrence Stamp (playing a sinister, spectral butler). Parents should be forewarned that there's a particularly frightening sequence halfway in (involving re-animated, decaying corpses), that is probably too intense for most children under the age of seven or so. So if you bring the kiddies, prepare to cover those little eyes. Also stars Marsha Thomason, Jennifer Tilly and Nathaniel Parker. Opens Nov 26 at local theaters.
THE HUMAN STAIN (R) Nicole Kidman stars as a troubled bit of white trash having a fling with an older man (Anthony Hopkins) who's got troubles and secrets of his own. None of these secrets are all that surprising, though, and the movie never really establishes a voice or even a coherent narrative, rambling back and forth between clumsy flashbacks and scattershot tidbits about various characters. Kidman and Hopkins are woefully miscast, the movie's rife with hackneyed symbolism, and the Big Secret upon which the whole thing hinges (not divulged until over midway through) is so ludicrous that I'm tempted to give it away, simply because I can. In the end, it's that scariest of all movies you'll see this Halloween — something that's simply horribly, horribly boring. Also stars Gary Sinise. 1/2
IN THE CUT (R) Jane Campion's latest movie is either a thriller passing itself off as an art film, or vice versa, but either way you look at it, it fails. Meg Ryan, trademark perkiness all but obliterated, stars as a seriously neurotic woman hanging out with a variety of creepy men, almost any one of whom might be the serial killer menacing the city. The camera flits about as if suffering from ADD, relentlessly sucking up all the urban garbage in sight, and every frame of the film looks like it's been smeared with Vaseline. There's some major heavy breathing going on here too, but none of it's designed for comfort or pleasure, and director Campion (The Piano, Portrait of a Lady) never manages to make any sort of meaningful or interesting connections between the sex and violence. All that finally surfaces here is a view of human nature that's simply grubby for the sake of being grubby. Generic thriller or faux-art film, In the Cut is the sort of movie that makes you feel dirty watching it, as if you'd accidentally walked in on someone in the bathroom and then stayed a moment too long. Also stars Mark Ruffalo and Jennifer Jason Leigh.
INTOLERABLE CRUELTY (PG-13) A slick divorce lawyer (George Clooney) butts heads with a sexy gold digger (Catherine Zeta-Jones) in the Coen Brothers' attempt at blending their quirky sensibilities with what sounds very much like a mainstream romantic comedy. Also stars Geoffrey Rush. (Not Reviewed)
KILL BILL — VOL. 1 (R) In Tarantino's long-anticipated new movie, the cool influences are no longer merely influences; they're the whole show. Kill Bill is a shrine to movies — a high-octane blend of mostly Japanese and Hong Kong chopsocky, with a little spaghetti western thrown in for good measure — with Uma Thurman as a pissed-off super-assassin killing everyone who's done her wrong. Gone even are the elaborately clever monologues that made Tarantino's reputation. Kill Bill might have been designed with fan boys in mind, but the bulk of this unabashedly bloody, beautifully made film should prove equally eye-popping and/or offensive to everyone. Also stars Lucy Liu, David Carradine and Vivica A. Fox.
LOONEY TUNES: BACK IN ACTION (PG) A blend of live action and cartoon craziness that, while not up to Who Framed Roger Rabbit standards, is certainly several steps up from Space Jam. The basic scenario here is simply a series of predictably frenetic chases — Brendan Fraser and Jenna Elfman join Daffy and Bugs in a mad race to locate a valuable diamond — but director Joe Dante infuses the project with more than enough clever pop culture references to keep the boomers happy. The mood wavers between tribute and subversion, and there are nods to everything from cartoon characters past and present, '50s sci-fi monsters, and even a shot-for-shot spoof of the famous shower scene from Psycho. Legendary B-movie king Roger Corman shows up at one point (directing a Batman movie, of all things), and the scene where Elmer Fudd chases Bugs and Daffy through the paintings of the Louvre is a simply glorious display of imagination. The scene only lasts a few minutes, but it's every bit the equal of those classic Looney Tunes of yore. Also stars Steve Martin, Timothy Dalton and Joan Cusak.
LOST IN TRANSLATION (PG-13) Sofia Coppola's playful and elegantly deadpan film is a cinematic poem for people who don't think they like poetry. Half comedy, half something else entirely, the film is about two people, of very different ages and circumstances, who meet in a strange, faraway place and make a connection. The movie's not-so-secret weapon is Bill Murray, who plays a burned-out movie star a decade or two past his prime and reduced to hawking whiskey for Japanese television. Murray's character hooks up with another American stranger in a strange land, (Ghost World's Scarlett Johansson), and the movie follows the two jet-lagged and utterly disoriented Yanks running wild through the sensory overload of downtown Tokyo and, in their down time, back at the hotel. Coppola's eccentric little wisp of a film is a pure beauty, achieving a seemingly effortless balance of understated wit, lyricism, and off-the-wall absurdity. Also stars Giovanni Ribisi. 1/2
LOVE ACTUALLY (PG-13) From Four Weddings and a Funeral to Notting Hill, Richard Curtis' scripts have proven consistently funny, energetic, romantic, and just smart and quirky enough to compensate for stray moments of unruly sappiness. Love Actually, Curtis' first self-directed project, breaks absolutely no new ground, but it showcases most of the things the writer-director does best. Curtis interweaves nearly a dozen tales here, showing us all kinds of love, from the puppy and unrequited varieties, to office romances to power worship that might or might not be love, actually. None of it ultimately matters much, since Love Actually awards happy endings to all, urging its characters along to the fulfillment of their romantic daydreams, like lemmings to the sea. But, like those lemmings, it's hard for those of us in the audience not to get caught up in the movie's glib, carefully orchestrated enthusiasm. Ironically, the movie's weakest element is its biggest selling point — Hugh Grant, absurdly miscast as the eminently eligible Prime Minister of England (!), and a sweetly stammering, eye-fluttering parody of himself. Also stars Liam Neeson, Colin Firth, Bill Nighy, Martine McCutcheon, Andrew Lincoln and Laura Linney.
MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD (PG-13) Director Peter Weir's latest film is every bit the rousing, testosterone-infused adventure you're probably expecting, but it's also an above-average character study, and a finely drawn portrait of seafaring days in the early 19th-century. Based on Patrick O'Brian's popular novels about Captain Jack Aubrey, Master and Commander follows Aubrey (Russell Crowe) and the crew of HMS Surprise as they travel the seven seas (well, two or three of them), playing cat-and-mouse with a bigger, faster, better-armed French vessel. Crowe is the big sell here, of course, but the movie's considerably more than just a star's pretty face. For all its mainstream appeal, Master and Commander in many ways harks back to its director's earlier efforts — quiet, delicately textured films like Picnic at Hanging Rock — that relied as much on atmosphere as on plot. Weir's a good enough filmmaker to infuse this big-budget, big-name production with artistry, without alienating the affections of audiences primarily craving exhilarating action scenes. Also stars Paul Bettany and Billy Boyd. 1/2
THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS (R) The religious symbolism, mirrors-within-mirrors mysticism and Philosophy 101 navel-gazing are still here, but they take a backseat to straightforward, special effects-driven action in this somewhat formulaic but still effective wind-up to the Matrix trilogy. Revolutions begins with a series of elegant set pieces, leading to a CGI-generated machines-versus-humans battle of numbingly epic proportions (with visuals ripped from Aliens via Robocop), and concludes with Keanu Reeves' savage messiah dishing up some obligatory cosmic comeuppance. There are few surprises this time out, but the movie feels more cohesive than the last installment, and it's so well made that we can't help but get caught up in all the fireworks. Several of the more intriguing (and complicated) ideas from Matrix Reloaded are left hanging, but the over-tidy simplification actually helps us get involved with the movie on an emotional level, rather than just in a visceral or cerebral way. The Gregorian chant soundtrack, on the other hand, makes the movie seem even more pretentious than it is, and the hints of yet another sequel may leave you whimpering, "Enough." Also stars Laurence Fishburne, Carrie-Anne Moss, Hugo Weaving and Jada Pinkett Smith. 1/2
MYSTIC RIVER (R) Clint Eastwood's latest directorial offering dives into somewhat unfamiliar waters, with mostly successful results. Mystic River is an epic tragedy about how two devastating events, a quarter-century apart, change a handful of lives in a Boston working class neighborhood. Eastwood's film is uncharacteristically filled with charged symbols and nakedly emotional Big Speeches, but the top-notch ensemble cast is good enough to pull it off and leave us wanting more. Tim Robbins is particularly effective as the damaged man-child who never quite recovered from being molested as a child, and Sean Penn burns up the screen as a man with a dead daughter and one too many secrets. Also stars Kevin Bacon, Laura Linney, Laurence Fishburne and Marcia Gay Harden. 1/2
RADIO (PG) Apparently pitched very much in the same territory as The Rookie, this feel-good tale combines sports, soap opera and nostalgia for the kinder, gentler ways of small-town America, circa anytime but now. The same guy who wrote The Rookie supplied the story, in fact, which is based on the actual life of a mentally challenged man whose eternal optimism inspires the local high school football team. Stars Cuba Gooding, Ed Harris and Debra Winger. (Not Reviewed)
RUNAWAY JURY (PG-13) If Runaway Jury is remembered at all, it will be as the movie where longtime screen icons Gene Hackman and Dustin Hoffman finally appeared on screen together for the first time. Other than that, the film is competent and reasonably entertaining fare, but a far cry from remarkable. Hackman is the movie's heavy, an all-seeing but utterly amoral analyst (polite code for jury tamperer), for hire to the highest bidder — which in the case of the high-profile trial he's currently trying to sway, happens to be the gun industry. Hackman's counterpart is Dustin Hoffman, who plays a highly principled and incorruptible (no laughing now) lawyer trying to make the gun industry pay for years of getting away with murder. Hoffman must really believe in the movie's anti-gun message or must have received a truly staggering paycheck for his performance here (possibly both), because it's hard to fathom otherwise why he took on such a bland, underwritten role. The story — a series of trial-related double and triple crosses — is engaging enough and sometimes even modestly exciting, but almost never particularly memorable. Another classic empty-calorie thriller based on a John Grisham book. Also stars John Cusack and Rachel Weisz.
SCARY MOVIE 3 (PG-13) The third installment of David Zucker's popular horror-spoof franchise arrives complete with obligatory raunchy-silly nods to Hollywood's latest crop of fright flicks. Expect the jokes to take on The Ring and Signs, among others. Stars Anna Faris, Charlie Sheen and Anthony Anderson. (Not Reviewed)
THE SCHOOL OF ROCK (PG-13) Rocker Jack Black (Tenacious D), in this new Richard Linklater film, is a harmless but not terribly talented slacker who wants to rock so hard it's practically heartbreaking, and pulls off a scam that allows him to get paid for secretly teaching "Smoke on the Water" to nerdy students at an elite prep school. In lesser hands this could have been Kindergarten Cop, but Linklater makes most of it work, albeit not in a laugh-out-loud Dazed and Confused sort of way. Also stars Joan Cusack, Sarah Silverman and Mike White (Chuck & Buck), who also wrote the script.
SECONDHAND LIONS (PG) This instant family classic stars Haley Joel Osment as young Walter, who learns how to be a man as his eccentric and wealthy uncles (Michael Caine and Robert Duvall) learn how to care for a child. Abandoned at the old men's farm by his mother (Kyra Sedgwick), Walter develops a relationship with his uncles through their endless storytelling and encourages them to buy items from door-to-door salesmen, including a yacht, a lion and a plane. Caine and Duvall give unique performances, while Osment is a bit clueless and stiff in this humorous and definitely appropriate movie the entire family can appreciate. 1/2—Emily Anderson
SHATTERED GLASS (PG-13) Before Jason Blair, there was Stephen Glass, the respected New Republic journalist who turned out to have built a career on writing fabricated stories. Shattered Glass is part character study of the needy, neurotic Glass (beautifully played by Hayden Christensen), but mostly it's a crackling good mystery, one that unfolds with the straightforward, no-nonsense approach of an old-fashioned police procedural. There are broader political and cultural implications here, of course, and the movie does in fact often seem like an All the President's Men for the new century — one where the media is on the prowl again, only this time they're out to get themselves. Consider it a cautionary tale for the Jerry Springer Age, in which the drive for increasingly sensationalized versions of reality inevitably leads to everyone's fall from grace. Also stars Peter Sarsgarrd and Hank Azaria. 1/2
THE SINGING DETECTIVE (R) A well-intentioned but not particularly satisfying reworking of the acclaimed British television series, with the action shifted from 1940s London to 1950s Los Angeles. Like the original The Singing Detective, this update takes place on several levels — reality, memory and fantasy — as a pulp fiction writer named Dan Dark (Robert Downey Jr.) lies paralyzed in bed, with nothing to do but imagine a film noir-ish world of nocturnal vice and intrigue. As in the original, the characters periodically break out in song for no particular reason, and the doo-wop numbers heard here come off as especially meaningless. There are moments of great wit, and Downey makes a worthy successor to Michael Gambon in the lead role, but the production feels as rushed as you'd expect of a seven-hour project boiled down to a mere 100 minutes. Also stars Mel Gibson, Adrien Brody and Robin Wright Penn. 1/2
THE STATION AGENT (PG-13) A touching and mildly quirky little film about a train-loving, tight-lipped loner named Finbar (Peter Dinklage), who moves to the sticks in search of solitude and, instead, finds himself opening up to strangers and to life. Fin also happens to be a dwarf, although, while it eventually emerges that he has some unresolved height-related issues, size is not really what matters here. To its credit, the film barely notices Fin's physical stature until it's practically forced to. Rather, The Station Agent is simply about people who need people, as they say, and what happens when fate throws a few of those people together. There are few revelations here, but the movie offers numerous small pleasures as it details the unlikely bond that forms between Fin, a frazzled painter grieving for a dead son (Patricia Clarkson), and a lonely hot-dog salesman who's as unabashedly enthusiastic about life as the other two are reserved. Also stars Bobby Cannavale. 1/2
SYLVIA (R) Gwyneth Paltrow stars as everybody's favorite depressed, schizophrenic female poet, Sylvia Plath, an artist probably now more famous for her manner of suicide (death by oven fumes) than for her poems. The film is more or less faithful to the circumstances of Plath's life, and Patrow delivers a powerful performance, but Sylvia is as polished and well manicured as the star herself, giving an overly controlled, conventional feel to the story. Even more problematic is the decision to frame Plath's inner turmoil almost entirely as a struggle to compete with her acclaimed poet husband, Ted Hughes (Daniel Craig), who also shows his fangs a little less often here than he should. Good intentions aside, Sylvia ultimately serves to trivialize its central character by reducing her artistic and personal hells to mere extensions of some suitable-for-made-for-TV marital squabble. Also stars Jared Harris.
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (R) Although it's nowhere near as radical as Tobe Hooper's relentlessly rude, crude and frenetically formless cannibal-killers clasick, this contemporary remake is pretty effective in its own way. There's an obsessive attention paid to grotesque details, blood and fetid slime ooze from every nook and cranny, and streams of moody light seep through trees and slates of walls like outtakes from Alien or David Fincher's Seven. There's ultimately not all that much you can do with this material to "re-invent" it, but director Marcus Nispel displays enough imagination and passion to keep us involved. Quick cuts and some slickly imagined camerawork tip us off to Nispel's music video roots, but the basic approach here is refreshingly straightforward and all but free of postmodern nudges (outside of a blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameo by aint-it-cool-news.com's Harry Knowles). There are plenty of good, strong scares, some hot babes in distress, lots of creepy atmosphere and an appropriately mean-spirited, nasty streak that makes the movie exactly the love-it-or-hate-it proposition it should be. Stars Jessica Biel, Jonathan Tucker and Eric Balfour. 1/2
THIS THING OF OURS (NR) The movie's title refers to the Mafia and to its unwritten code of honor — a code that we're constantly told is eroding, although the film doesn't really show us how or why. We're also led to believe this is a different sort of Mafia movie, one in which the mob is "being brought kicking and screaming into the 21st century," but we don't get much sense of that process either. What we do get is a fairly interesting Internet scam (although the all-important details of the heist are sadly underrepresented), an amusing Tarantino-like conversation or two, and a smattering of what seem to be authentic details of la vita mafiaso. Writer-director-star and convicted gangster Danny Provenzano undoubtedly called on his own personal experiences for much of what transpires here, but the movie relies far too heavily on the mere presence of readymade gangster icons such as Sopranos star Vincent Pastore and James Caan to supply heft. There's a rambling, unfocused sense to the story, and the movie's low-budget origins are all too often on display in the plain cinematography and generic soundtrack. Also stars Frank Vincent and Edward Lynch. Opens Nov 26 at Madstone Theatres.
TIME LINE (PG-13) Yet another big-screen adaptation of another Michael Crichton book, and basically one big drag. Paul Walker and Frances O'Connor are among a team of young archeologists transported back in time to 14th-century France, where they find themselves caught up in the ongoing war between the English and the French. Crichton's narrative hooks are as catchy and as shallow as ever, but veteran director Richard Donnor directs the movie with all the grace, energy and ingenuity of a high school play on an off-night, or an old episode of Scooby Doo where the gang goes back in time. There are battles aplenty, but for all the bloodletting, everything here feels strangely bloodless, with rambling, lethargic story-telling, phoned-in performances and virtually no sense of time or place. One of the few saving graces is David Thewlis as an evil techno-mogul with an unmistakable resemblance to Bill Gates. Also stars Billy Connolly and Gerard Butler. Opens Nov 26 at local theaters. 1/2
TUPAC RESURRECTION (R) MTV-produced documentary using archival footage and interviews to tell the life story of iconic dead rapper Tupac Shakur. (Not Reviewed)
Reviewed entries by Lance Goldenberg unless otherwise noted.
This article appears in Nov 27 – Dec 3, 2003.