13 GOING ON 30 (PG-13) Tempting as it is to call this Big for girls, it’s even more accurate to dub the movie Big minus brains. 13 Going on 30 is about an insecure 13-year-old girl who makes a wish in 1987 and wakes up in 2004 as leggy, 30-year-old Jennifer Garner, a successful but emotionally unfulfilled career woman. All the anticipated and all-but obligatory jokes are here (“Wow,” says Garner’s character, “I’ve got boobs!”), and the movie does little to disguise its myriad cliches or blatant attempts to manipulate our emotions. Garner is an enormously appealing screen presence, but virtually everything that surrounds her here is a chore to sit through. The director is Gary Winick, whose previous film was the ridiculously overrated but marginally more interesting Tadpole. Also stars Mark Ruffalo, Judy Greer and Andy Serkis. 
1/2
BON VOYAGE (PG-13) A grand Gallic farce that offers plenty of glossy amusements, despite being overstuffed with way too many characters doing way too many things. Bon Voyage is pure escapism set against a backdrop of impending war, with an ensemble of movie stars, politicians, scientists, spies, writers, criminals and just-plain Joe’s scrambling about pre-WWII France in a plot that involves murder, romance, stolen secrets and more. None of it’s meant to be taken too seriously, though, and there’s ultimately little in this big, sprawling, handsome production that really sticks to the ribs. Stars Isabelle Adjani, Gerard Depardieu, Virginie Ledoyen and Peter Coyote.
BREAKIN’ ALL THE RULES This movie is all about frustration. It’s what you feel after you leave the theater. A predictable romantic comedy about a writer named Quincy Watson (Jamie Foxx) who accidentally falls in love with his cousin Evan’s (Morris Chestnut) girlfriend, Nikki (Gabrielle Union), Breakin’ All the Rules barrels along at breakneck speed — a pithy hour and 20 minutes — leaving little time for character development. Worse, the movie frequently lacks even minimal psychological plausibility — as with the unlikely tie between Evan and Nikki. The on-screen chemistry between Quincy and Nikki glitters, but Evan’s inability to stay away from a tainted temptress (Jennifer Esposito) drives a plot based on misunderstandings to a conventional ending. A flat-lined comedy, Breakin’ all the Rules does anything but. Also stars Peter MacNicol.
—Meredith Yeomans
THE CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK (PG-13) A sequel of sorts to Pitch Black, in which Vin Diesel’s self-serving, intergalactic bad-ass Riddick returns to find himself pitted against the Negromongers, a group of death-worshiping religious warriors going from planet to planet demanding “Convert or Die.” Director David Twohy (The Arrival) might be offering up some thinly veiled allusion to the ongoing Islamist problem (or maybe he’s just riffing on the Borg), but the movie has New Testament connections too, with Diesel’s character eventually being set up as some sort of reluctant Messianic figure. All of this is just window dressing, however, for the movie’s incessant action scenes, fights, chases and explosions, not to mention the non-stop digital effects, and sets and costumes directly lifted from David Lynch’s Dune. One gets the impression that much of the movie’s connective tissue, its actual story, now lies on the cutting-room floor, leaving us with a slightly better-than-average popcorn movie stripped down for the summer. It’s a no-brainer that the real show will be the longer, director’s cut that’s sure to eventually emerge on DVD, so consider this an appetizer (at best). Also stars Colm Feore, Judi Dench, Thandie Newton and Alexa Davalos. Opens June 11 at local theaters.
DAWN OF THE DEAD (R) One might ponder the reasons for remaking George Romero’s nearly perfect horror classic, but, hey — the bottom line is that you can never have too many zombie movies. Actually, the word “zombie” is never even uttered in the 2004 version, and the creatures themselves more closely resemble the shrieking sprinters of 28 Days than the lumbering icons from Romero’s original. Also missing in action are the original’s famous images of the living dead strolling about the shopping mall where our heroes are trapped, or any other swipes at our happily zombified consumer culture. What we get instead is a competent but much more conventional thrill machine, filled with a steady stream of decent scares and even more flying hunks of bloody flesh than you’ll see in Mel’s Passion. Stars Sarah Polley, Ving Rhames, Jake Weber, Mekhi Phifer and Ty Burrell.
THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW (PG-13) Basically, what we have here is a very expensive, two-hour commercial for electric cars. Having built a career on destroying the world (by, among other things, aliens in Indpendence Day and giant lizards in Godzilla), Roland Emmerich is up to his old tricks again. This time, however, we’ve only got ourselves to blame, as global warming and an out-of-control greenhouse effect create a new Ice Age, making life very difficult for a courageous scientist (Dennis Quaid) and his dreamboat son (Jake Gyllenhaal), not to mention a couple billion bit players. The movie’s first hour is a straightforward eco-disaster movie featuring scads of massively proportioned, apocalyptic imagery and peppered with a few subversive winks (the Hollywood sign is destroyed, and a bus falls on a Porsche). The movie’s second half prompts more than its share of unintentional laughter, though, with bland heroics, wooden dialogue and every cliche in the book taking center stage. For a movie about the end of the world, this winds up being pretty routine stuff. Also stars Ian Holm, Emmy Rossum and Sela Ward.
GARFIELD: THE MOVIE (PG) This kitty’s story is better told through the comic strip that made him famous. Garfield (voiced by Bill Murray) must protect his domain after caretaker Jon Arbuckle (Breckin Meyer) brings home his new pal, Odie. After the new dog disappears, it is up to the orange cat to find him and get him home safely. Though the movie has surreal components based on its cartoon animation, too many pop culture references and an abundance of senseless jokes spoil the fantasy of the film. The human cast’s acting is cartoonish and unconvincing, seeming purposefully dumbed down so Garfield can hoard the spotlight. Some of the jokes and situations are funny enough to induce a smile, but there are very few scenes that will have the audience roaring with laughter. Allusions to the strip permeate the film, and the star’s portrayal is right on target: the fat, lazy cat hates Mondays and loves his lasagna, just as he always has. Also starts Jennifer Love Hewitt. Opens June 11 at local theaters. 1/2
—Whitney Meers
HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN (PG) Even if Harry Potter hasn’t quite come of age in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, it sure looks like the franchise has. Director Alfonso Cuaron (Y Tu Mama Tambien) replaces the reliable but hardly inspirational Chris Columbus this time, giving the new installment a grittier, wittier, more palpably dangerous feel, both in its drama and its comedy. If there’s a real flaw here, it’s that the movie tends to meander a little too much, teasing us with nuggets of plot and sub-plot that don’t gel until the last half-hour of this 135-minute film. These are problems that can be traced right back to the source material, however, and if you’re in the camp that thinks of Rowlings as the James Joyce of fantasy, you’re unlikely to be bothered by any of this. The new faces here — a veritable who’s who of the creme de la creme of British thespianism that includes David Thewlis, Michael Gambon and Gary Oldman — raise Azkaban to even greater heights. Also stars Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint and Alan Rickman.
I’M NOT SCARED (NR) This oddly engaging Italian import introduces us to a young boy who discovers something he first takes to be a dead body, although it turns out to be even worse: a child chained like an animal and left, barely alive, in a dark hole. As with other children’s-films-that-are-not-really-for-children, I’m Not Scared compels us to experience everything from a child’s perspective, so that the smallest details take on enormous psychological and emotional weight. The bad news is that the film solves its own mysteries a little too quickly, and, by its last half hour, degenerates into a fairly conventional thriller, complete with melodramatic, crowd-pleasing finale and a cloying soundtrack. Before that happens, though, I’m Not Scared goes a long way towards convincing us that child abuse is the ideal subject for the ultimate horror flick. The boy in the hole is a grim souvenir from the grown-up world, the sort of out-of-the-blue reminder that forces children to put aside childish things and prompts filmmakers to make movies about loss of innocence, coming of age, or whatever you want to call it. Stars Giuseppe Cristiano, Aitana Sanchez-Gijon and Dino Abbrescia. Playing at Tampa Theatre. Call theater to confirm. 1/2
JAMES’ JOURNEY TO JERUSALEM (NR) An overly cute ethno-comedy in the manner of The Gods Must Be Crazy, apparently designed primarily for export outside its home country, in which an innocent primitive puts the lie to Western “sophistication.” The titular James (Siyabonga Melongisi Shibe) is a devout Christian who treks from his little African village to the Holy Land, and winds up being pressed into virtual slave labor by an unscrupulous Israeli businessman and his wacky family. The film is not without its moments, but director Ra’anan Alexandrowicz is anything but subtle about positioning the saintly James in contrast to the cynical and self-serving Israelis (who stand in for all the greed and hypocrisies of the West). Despite the flashes of local color, the movie is ultimately brought low by a penchant for painting things in black and white. Also stars Hugh Masebenza, Florence Bloch and Ya’akov Ronen Morad.
JOHNSON FAMILY VACATION (PG-13) This is an African-American National Lampoon’s Vacation, which raises the question: Why would Cedric the Entertainer want to be Chevy Chase when he has the potential to be much funnier, without the premature burnout? The incidents on the road prove too stupid for words, and while Cedric has some good one-liners, you can hear most of them in the trailer.
—Steve Warren
KILL BILL, VOLUME TWO (R) There’s still a goodly amount of blood and guts to be found here, but if KB1 was all form and slick, shocking exteriors, then KB2 often appears to be the inside of the story, the so-called heart. KB2 is still basically a cartoon, albeit a more elaborately illustrated one, but it’s also where the story behind the story of the first film starts opening itself up and, eventually, turning itself inside out. Tarantino’s new movie sometimes almost seems to be on the verge of becoming a blood-spattered chick flick about the, uh, complicated relationship between Uma Thurman’s retired assassin and her former employer and lover, Bill (David Carradine). In the end, KB2 is more interesting for how it defies expectations than for what it actually achieves, but it’s nice to see that Tarantino hasn’t completely turned his back on the idea of telling a genuine story peopled by real-live humans with real-live emotions. Also stars Michael Madsen and Darryl Hannah.
MAN ON FIRE (R) Reigning action hero/sensitive guy Denzel Washington and precocious cutie-pie Dakota Fanning star in this Tony Scott-directed thriller about a disillusioned bodyguard who goes ballistic when the child he’s sworn to protect is abducted. Also stars Radha Mitchell. (Not Reviewed)
MEAN GIRLS (PG-13) Although its plot is nothing special — a new kid in school butts heads with a clique of popular girls — Mean Girls might just be the funniest and most spot-on movie about high school since Welcome to the Dollhouse or Heathers. The movie has a ball picking apart the rigid and elaborately cruel codifications of high school life — how students are identified and categorized according to everything from what they wear to where they sit — and it does it all with considerable smarts. Like Dogville, Mean Girls also has last-act problems, but, on the whole, screenwriter Tina Fey (Saturday Night Live) has crafted a lean, mean entertainment that manages to be both playful and subversive while exhibiting plenty of mainstream appeal. Stars Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams, Amy Poehler, Tim Meadows and Tina Fey. 1/2
THE PUNISHER (R) There are traces of human warmth and kindness here, but The Punisher is mostly a no-frills revenge flick that embraces its B-movie nihilism with icy relish. Thomas Jane stars as a vigilante sworn to make life miserable for the man responsible for killing his family (John Travolta). As revenge flicks go, The Punisher isn’t nearly as extreme or even as original as some, but it’s lean and mean and just smart enough to occasionally poke fun at its own brutal formula. Stray moments of humor leaven the violence and negativity, and the script manages to keep things interesting enough by treading the fine line between encouraging sympathy for Castle as a tragic hero/victim and portraying him as a killing machine beyond good and evil. The cast is surprisingly convincing too, and the movie’s look is appropriately dark, gritty and even a little tawdry, pushing deep into Death Wish territory, which is exactly as it should be. Also stars Laura Harring, Will Patton and Rebecca Romijin-Stamos. 1/2
RAISING HELEN (PG-13) If the cast of Sex and the City had ever met The Brady Bunch, this fiasco would be the result. When her sister and brother-in-law die in a car accident, Helen Harris (Kate Hudson) suddenly transforms from a cheeky Manhattan party girl to a single mother with three children. Her difficulty dealing with the transition is highlighted throughout the film: she screams about how she can no longer fit into a size two and she doesn’t have the courage to kick her attention-starved niece’s drunken 15-year-old friends out of her apartment. Even though there are some strikingly funny moments, melodramatic scenes neutralize the humor. Also, when Helen goes job searching and ends up as a secretary at a used car dealership, it discouragingly reinforces the stereotypical notion that women with children can’t have successful careers. Also stars John Corbett and Joan Cusack.
—Whitney Meers
SACRED PLANET (G) Robert Redford narrates this Large Format IMAX journey to various exotic locations around the world. (Not Reviewed)
SECRET WINDOW (PG-13) The plot is nothing special — a distraught writer (Johnny Depp) is menaced by an ominous redneck (John Turturro) who accuses him of plagiarism — but the movie is filled with pleasantly eccentric touches that you wouldn’t expect with routine thriller material like this. Chief among those pleasant eccentricities is Depp himself, who spends much of the movie in a ratty bathrobe and perennially mussed, fright-wig hair, ranting and mumbling to himself. The film is based on a very minor short story by Stephen King. Also stars Maria Bello and Timothy Hutton.
THE SHINING (R) Stanley Kubrick’s curiously icy domestic-drama-as-horror-film still has the dubious honor of being the best ever big-screen adaptation of a Stephen King book. Jack Nicholson shamelessly hams it up, inexplicably delivering one of the great, iconic movie performances of the late 20th century, while Shelley Duval is just about perfect as the wife who sees it all go down without understanding a thing. The real ghosts haunting the gorgeous, awful hotel that is the movie’s centerpiece and sole setting are the ghosts of a marriage, as Kubrick’s quietly evocative and always elegant mise-en-scene makes all too clear. Don’t go expecting to have your pants scared off and you should do just fine. Also stars Scatman Crothers.
SHREK 2 (PG) While not quite the raw burst of unbridled (and vaguely subversive) creative energy that the original was, Shrek 2 is just as loaded with wall-to-wall gags, and may even boast a tighter, more traditionally compelling story. The narrative this time out features a deliciously nasty fairy godmother (Jennifer Saunders) who wants to pry apart our two favorite ogre lovebirds, and give Fiona to her vain, vapid Prince Charming of a son (Ruppert Everett). The movie also makes great use of its other voice talents, both old and new, showcases some of the best computerized animation ever seen, and grooves along on an eccentric soundtrack that includes everything from vintage ’70s disco-funk to Nick Cave. Features the voices of Mike Meyers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, Antonio Banderas, John Cleese and Julie Andrews.
SOUL PLANE (R)Soul Plane is Half Baked airborne, but lacks the Dave Chapelle character to classify it as an unforgettable summer comedy. Nashawn (Kevin Hart) opens an airline designed for “urban travelers” after he wins a $100 million settlement from an airline that lost his beloved dog. The movie takes place on a fully tricked-out NWA Flight #0-69 from Los Angeles to New York City. The chrome-trimmed, purple painted plane has wheels with spinners, hydraulics that allow it to bounce down the runway and a pilot named Captain Mack (Snoop Dogg) who, once 35,000 feet in the air, confesses he is afraid of heights. Elvis Hunkee (Tom Arnold) is the token naíve white guy who gets dumped by his fiancee Barbara (Missi Pyle) for a more well-endowed man, and spends the rest of the flight looking for his daughter Heather (Arielle Kebbel) who has just turned 18 years old, and his son Billie (Ryan Pinkston) who switches from being a straight-edged prep to a thug before even boarding the party plane. Soul Plane also reinforces every urban stereotype from “baby mama’s” who Muggsy (Method Man) gives a shout out to over the plane’s intercom, to drugs presented throughout the movie, to the 99 cents store, Roscoe’s chicken and beer and graffiti-covered basketball court around the gate Soul Plane lands many laughs, but does so by formulaically catering to audience’s funny bone. 1/2
—Meredith Yeomans
The Stepford Wives (PG-13) Robot housewives in suburban hell. The pro-feminist/anti-conformist agenda is timelier than ever, but I wonder if anyone will care. If nothing else, this remake is brilliantly cast, from blandly perfect Nicole Kidman to eccentric supporting types Christopher Walken, Jon Lovitz and Bette Midler. Opens June 11 at local theaters. (Not Reviewed)
TROY (R) At a running time of some 160 minutes, this unfocused and overlong historical epic is unlikely to get anyone too excited. Troy tells us that it was “inspired” by Homer’s Iliad, but this version of the Trojan wars of 1200 B.C. is history as thoroughly scrambled as something served up by Oliver Stone, and significantly flatter than anything Stone’s ever attached his name to. The movie rarely involves us or surprises us to any real degree, and it advances its story almost exclusively in fits and starts. The film simply alternates a steady stream of big, chaotic battle scenes (think Saving Private Ryan in tunics, complete with a soundtrack of whizzing arrows) with endless scenes distinguished by soulful expressions, weighty pronouncements about fate and immortality, and the faux-spiritual vocal stylings of the Bulgarian Women’s Choir. Brad Pitt is as buff and bronzed as a Greek god, but turns in his most wooden performance ever as the legendary warrior Achilles, while an array of lesser stars swirl around him. Orlando Bloom drifts through the ether like an Elf transported in from Lord of the Rings, Brian Cox hams it up as evil King Agamemnon, and a frail Peter O’Toole wanders about looking like old Bruce Dern’s dazed doppelganger. If only this had been made by Kenneth Anger or Derek Jarman or some other director with the balls to juice the story up with the inside scoop on the man-on-man love connections between studly Achilles’ and his warrior buddies. Now that might have been an epic. Also stars Eric Bana and Diane Kruger. 1/2
VAN HELSING (PG-13) A stale, incoherent belch of computer-generated sound and fury whose only knack seems to be the ability to simultaneously induce both headaches and comas. Even hardcore horror fans aren’t likely to find much worthwhile in this bombastic mess in which a pair of fashionably dressed monster slayers (Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale) spend a couple of hours running around like headless chickens, shooting bullets, arrows and stakes at anything that moves. The CGI effects are omnipresent and absolutely awful, with gigantic werewolves and Mr. Hyde’s coming off as unintentional cartoons with all the personality of Casper the Friendly Ghost. The flesh and blood creatures don’t fare much better, with Shuler Hensley making for an utterly bland Frankenstein monster, and Richard Roxburgh’s ear-ringed and ponytailed Dracula coming off as a second-rate, Flamenco-dancing reject from the Gypsy Kings. The look of Van Helsing is darkly luxurious and faithful in its way to the old Universal horror films on which it’s based, but director Stephen Sommers mistakes attractive set design for mood, and his movie is so frenetic it kills any chance for a poetic moment. The overkill factor extends to the pacing — Sommers simply fills the screen with one big, tedious fight scene after another — and all we can do is wonder what somebody like Guillermo del Toro might have done with this material. Also stars David Wenham and Kevin J. O’Connor.
Reviewed entries by Lance Goldenberg unless otherwise noted.
This article appears in Jun 10-16, 2004.
