My teenage son confided in me that his friend had his balls grabbed by Kevin Spacey whilst drinking at a Nantucket bar. Now, I know what you're thinking, but it's not that. My son is upset that no one has ever grabbed his balls, and wants to know what's wrong with him. I'm flabbergasted; I don't know what to say. My son says he isn't gay, and I tend to believe him, but... Yeah.
—Mother of a son with great (if not celebrity-worthy) testicles
Dear Mother Testicles,
Your son is a teenager. That doesn't mean he's gay, it means his sexual radar is all over the place — it's as inaccurate as Channel 10's weather. Don't worry; it's natural. Mostly. I mean, you're a mom, which means you remember being a teenage girl. Didn't you fret over boobs and whose were better? This is the same thing — boys are always comparing themselves, too. So try not to overreact. And also, under no circumstances should you attempt to reassure your son about the caliber of his testicles. No one needs to hear that shit from their mom. It is important, though, you explain to him that sexual abuse is not based on attractiveness; it's based on who the abuser sees as an easy target.
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