I like to have sex outside. Problem is, my boyfriend and I live in DTSP, in an apartment, and even the damn balcony is on display. I'm not an exhibitionist, so that's not gonna happen. But I do like to do it outside. We're thinking of joining Caliente or one of the other nudist camps; any suggestions?
—In the Buff
Dear Buffy,
Are you fucking nuts? Nudist communities are most certainly not about being able to have sex outside. They're actually not intended to be sexual at all and if you tried that shit, you'd probably get arrested and labeled a sex offender — or worse.
Now, that said, we're kindred spirits — I, too, enjoy the feel of the wind over my ass. So instead of sinking money into a nudist camp (and running the risk of having to "register" every time you move, for the rest of your life), spend some time finding the best places to have sex outside in Pinellas County. I won't tell you my favorites — because, um, they're secret — but I can suggest a few ways you can get down while you're getting outside. Remember, most of these are illegal, but we figure if you're gonna do it anyway, we should make the risk worth it for you.
1. On a boat. The Gulf is a pretty big place. If you own a boat, this is a no-brainer. If not, join a boat club where you pay a monthly fee and can take out the boats whenever you want. Just, uh, go far enough out that you won't run aground — and bring your cell phone, k?
2. Fort DeSoto. I mean, be smart, OK? There's an unofficial nude beach area — don't go there, the rangers visit it on the reg to make sure no one's naked, which almost never works but it also makes pleasurable sex, ahem, hard. Which can make it not so hard. But spend some time off the beach — tons of nature trails in this massive park — and for god's sake, remember the mosquito repellent.
3. Spoil islands. OK, so this does require a vessel of some sort, but a kayak or canoe should do it — just paddle along Boca Ciega Bay or off Crystal Beach and you'll find plenty of spoil islands. Just, no weekends (too crowed), again with the bug spray, and look for islands with some mangroves, too.
4. Local parks. Look, stay off the damn playgrounds, OK? But the nice thing about Florida is so many of our parks have trails. Pick your park and pick your time: Less crowded, less frequented parks make the best spots, and nighttime's the right time. Again, hear us when we say bug spray.
5. A few parting tips. Wherever you go, the more secluded, the better (but I think you already know this). If you're going somewhere that's technically off limits (say, a park after dark), don't drive there — bike or walk. The vehicle tips off authorities. And, also, remember, sometimes there's people living there, too. Homelessness sucks for more reasons than the homeless ruining your sexcapade; be considerate. Wear clothes you can easily get back on — a sundress for the ladies and jogging shorts and a loose t-shirt for men. And if you get caught, don't apologize. You're sorry you got caught, not sorry you did it, and that'll likely piss off the officer. But do make it clear you're in a committed relationship and be as fucking polite as possible and maybe you can get off with a warning (it's happened to me before).
Send your sex questions to Roxxie at sex@creativeloafing.com.
This article appears in Apr 6-13, 2017.