When the question of what one might be tempted to do when faced with one’s last days comes up, travel is always a popular answer. But where to go? Paris? Too cliché. Tahiti? Too expensive. Portland? Too hip. New York? C’mon, you already went there to see The Hold Steady in 2006.
There’s plenty right here in Florida you haven’t seen yet — and not just the beaches or the theme parks or the Mons. If you’re looking for an end-of-days road trip that’ll not only show you a part of the Sunshine State you’ve never seen before but also provide you with plenty of much-needed mirth in these times of tribulation, why not plot a jaunt that takes you to some of the places with the funniest names?
There’s Two Egg, up north in the Panhandle’s Jackson County, with its Robert E. Long Cane Syrup Day and its monkey sightings.
There’s Yeehaw Junction, east toward Vero Beach, with its historic Desert Inn and its proximity to great surfing.
There’s Couch, inland from Panama City, with its… nothing, really, but it’s called Couch and there’s a Hardee’s just up the road.
Are you into camping, hiking, wildlife or the great outdoors in general? There’s Tate’s Hell State Forest, or Little Big Econ State Forest, or Goethe State Forest (named for the man from whom the land was purchased, not after the German statesman and author of Faust).
Like to get out on the water? There’s Fluffy Landing, right on Jolly Bay. Or Lone Cabbage on the St. John’s River. Or Picnic, right here in Hillsborough County, on Hurrah Creek. And let’s not forget Dildo Key, named for its indigenous dildo cactus (ouch!), located just off Everglades National Park, too far from Ramrod Key to make a good, or at least anatomically relevant, sex joke; Ramrod is down in the Lower Keys, between Big Pine and Summerland.
A lot of states have places with funny names. But not a lot of states have the kind of weather that’s perfect for hopping in the car, hitting the road and watching a summer thunderstorm boil up on the horizon to send a cool breeze through the open window while you laugh with your traveling companions about the funny trucker hat you bought at the little no-name gas station outside Possum Bluff or Roach Branch. That’s what summer should be about: Good times with good friends, making good memories and doing the things you’ve always talked about doing on a lark, while you’ve still got the time.
This article appears in May 17-24, 2018.
