Most movies aren’t that good.
I know, shocker, right?
But—and this may not have been widely known until now—apparently movies with the words “Haunted Mansion” in the title suck super hard.
Sadly, that’s about the best thing I can say about this week’s big flaming summer turd, “Haunted Mansion,” which is criminally unfunny and, worse, woefully unscary for a movie about, you know, ghosts and dead shit.
Well, at least we can rest easy now that we know Eddie Murphy wasn’t solely to blame for the abomination that was his kid-friendly 2003 disaster, “The Haunted Mansion.”
The fact is that Disney’s most beloved and spookiest attraction, The Haunted Mansion, just does not translate to feature-length film, at least not when everyone keeps trying to turn it into a freaking comedy instead of leaning extra hard into the ghosts.
You want to make a good movie about good old THM?
Here’s what you do.
Found footage.
Two or three amateur paranormal investigators. Sneaking off-line once inside the attraction. Hiding in the dark until the park closes. Once exploring, they discover the real reason it’s called a haunted mansion. (insert diabolical ghost laugh)
Don’t believe me. Go watch last year’s “Deadstream” and tell me it wouldn’t work just as well inside a haunted theme park attraction.
Or how about we come up with an original story where one of the ghosts trapped inside the mansion just wants to escape and get on to their afterlife. Scary, but with heart!
Take a big swing. Turn the wheel sharp into a hard swerve.
Surely, there’s something better to be done with “Haunted Mansion” than what we’re getting this week, which is basically 122 minutes of not good theme park porn pretending to be a movie.
At first, it didn’t make sense.
Director Justin Simien is a rising talent with a distinct voice that speaks to our current social and political times. You know him from “Dear White People” and “Bad Hair.”
But screenwriter Katie Dippold has yet to really catch fire, if such superpower exists within her abilities. Yes, she was a writer for “Parks and Recreation,” but she also penned “The Heat” and Paul Feig’s “Ghostbusters,” neither of which will be remembered for its script.
And the story is really the problem here. Or the myriad of stories “Haunted Mansion” is trying to tell, none of them well.
There’s LaKeith Stanfield’s Ben Matthias, a grieving drunk rocket scientist (seriously) who doesn’t believe in ghosts but still invented a camera that can capture spectral images. He really misses his wife, but also, Rosario Dawson is his new client and she’s hot.
Speaking of Dawson, her character Gabbie and her son move into the mansion seeking a fresh start. Within literal seconds, they’re chased out by ghosts. But they can’t leave because of some plot contrivance that’s never fully explained.
Or there’s Owen Wilson’s Father Kent, who is really a grifter. Or Tiffany Haddish’s psychic medium Harriet, who also may a phony. Or Danny DeVito’s Professor Bruce who just feels completely out of place. Or Jamie Lee Curtis’s Madame Leota, whose head has been trapped in a ball for centuries.
Side note. I love Curtis, and I am not ashamed to say this. Jennifer Tilly’s Madame Leota from 2003’s “The Haunted Mansion,” all day, every day, is the better performance. And I never actually saw that whole movie. I’m basing that on the theatrical trailer alone. And having watched Curtis as Leota. Sadly, she just doesn’t work in the role like you’d expect her to.
And then there’s Jared Leto as The Hatbox Ghost. That’s right. Why is Oscar-winning Leto in “Haunted Mansion,” as a mostly-CGI creation? That’s a good question. Maybe we should send Dippold an email and ask her.
Another good question is why Simien and Dippold completely squander cameos by Winona Ryder and Dan Levy. Speaking of Levy, how do you take someone so extremely funny and make them so extremely unfunny? I don’t understand.
And don’t come at me for spoiling anything.
I considered asking for a refund, and I got in for free because it was a critic’s screening.
That’s right, call me the grumpy old movie critic. I don’t care.
If I had been alone in the theater, I would have shouted, “Get off my screen!” at the “Haunted Mansion.”
This movie is a comedy. It’s supposed to make me laugh. Why am I so angry?
It’s this damn movie.
It checks off all three U’s.
Unfunny.
Unscary.
Ungood.
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This article appears in Jul 20-26, 2023.
