You know the summer-movie drill: big temps, big-name sequels and franchises. But is anything that’s coming out over the next few months actually cool? Well…
Snatched A mother-daughter road comedy starring Goldie Hawn and Amy Schumer? Sounds like the best worst elevator pitch ever, and also more like a good joke in a movie than an actual good movie. COOL FACTOR: Tepid (May 12. R)
Alien: Covenant Can Ridley Scott redeem the greatest sci-fi horror franchise in history after decades of diminishing returns (and the muddled existentialism and directionless storytelling of Prometheus)? Lifelong Alien fans will always hold out hope, but signs (and early reviews) are, er, not positive. COOL FACTOR: Disagreeably melty (May 19, R)
Baywatch Dwayne “Formerly The Rock” Johnson and Zac “Mostly Plays A Cock” Efron have fun with a terrible idea that will probably be executed better than you thought any such terrible idea could’ve. COOL FACTOR: Whatever the polar opposite of cool is (May 25, R)
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales Seriously? COOL FACTOR: Spoiled despite having been in the freezer the whole time (May 26, PG-13)
Wonder Woman The first unequivocally female-driven comic-book movie (starring Gal Gadot) looks like it could give the MCU’s first Captain America flick a run for its WWII-era currency. We’re sincerely hoping it’s awesome, and it just might be. COOL FACTOR: Unexpectedly gorgeous jacket weather (June 2, PG-13)
The Mummy Will this be one of those instances where you know the ABSOLUTELY KILLER TRAILER isn’t representative of the movie, but you agree with yourself to fall for the ABSOLUTELY KILLER TRAILER and inevitably be disappointed by a movie that can’t possibly live up to its ABSOLUTELY KILLER TRAILER? Possibly. (Probably.) COOL FACTOR: Whatever Tom Cruise's cool factor is these days (June 9, PG-13)
Transformers: The Last Knight Michael Bay’s attempt to humanize a line of toys from the ‘80s continues, apparently this time with the addition of a Renaissance Fair backstory. COOL FACTOR: Wearing mom jeans to yoga (June 23, PG-13)
Spider-Man: Homecoming Newest (third?) web-slinger Tom Holland cozies up tighter to The Avengers — or at least Robert Downey Jr.’s not-unpopular Tony Stark — and also school is hard. COOL FACTOR: One of those microwave meals that just might not make you wish you'd fasted (July 7, PG-13)
War For The Planet Of The Apes Seriously seriously? COOL FACTOR: Telling on the other kids for smoking (July 14, Not yet rated)
The Dark Tower Stephen King’s beloved alt-universe fantasy epic finally, finally sees its big-screen adaptation, with Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey playing the big-stakes action chess. It can’t possibly be as good as we all want it to be, But still. COOL FACTOR: Ice cold (Aug. 4, Not yet rated)
BONUS POST-CREDITS SCENE
And don’t forget about Charlie Hunnam in Guy Ritchie’s King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (May 12); Alia Shawkat in Amber Tamblyn’s directorial debut, the grief drama Paint It Black (May 19); artsy biopic Churchill with Brian Cox in the titular role (June 2); buzzy, claustrophobic plague-horror flick It Comes At Night (June 9); chicks-kill-a-male-stripper-for-once comedy Rough Night (June 16); Christopher Nolan’s return with the not-very-Christopher Nolan Dunkirk (July 21); something called, terrifyingly, The Emoji Movie (July 28); and Ryan Reynolds-Samuel L. Jackson buddy comedy (with plenty o’ swearing and action, obvs) The Hitman’s Bodyguard (Aug. 18), to name but a few.
