Credit: Photo: Dave Decker; Cover design: Jack Spatafora

If you’ve been in Tampa Bay’s sapphic dating scene for a while, it doesn’t take long to feel like you’ve gone out with—or at least swiped through—everyone. We promise, you haven’t. (Seriously, we did the math.)

The Sapphic umbrella (lesbians, bi women, nonbinary and trans folks) might be bigger in places like New York or Los Angeles, but don’t pack your bags just yet.

We asked local sapphic community leaders and organizers for their words of wisdom.

Valerie Smith, Sapphic Sun editor-in-chief and Creative Loafing Tampa Bay contributor

Date casually, go out before texting, and move on often.

Dates are meant to be casual and low-stakes. It shouldn’t be awkward to run into someone you went on one date with a few months ago; a date doesn’t mean anything.

If you’re going to meet someone from an app, don’t spend days texting back and forth with them. Ask them on a casual date, then wait to text more until after you’ve met in person.

This will do three things for you: First, it will keep you from committing to someone you think you’re interested in but don’t actually have chemistry with. Second, it will build anticipation. Third, it will give you a chance to make a physical connection before digital.

Dating apps are nearly inescapable, so rather than avoid them entirely, just use them wisely. My partner and I met because I posted on a local classifieds app that I was looking for someone to join me at a mangrove thicket that I thought would make a great makeout spot. The only texting we did beforehand was to set a date.

You don’t have to “give love a chance” after a bland first date, or after one that got your blood pumping but didn’t show much relationship promise. Romanticizing a first date is how we get stuck in relationships that don’t actually suit us. It’s OK to text someone saying you appreciate the date, but you didn’t feel a spark. Move on!

You’ll probably know when you’ve found the right relationship for you. If you spend more than 5-10% of the relationship talking about the relationship, that’s probably a good sign to move on. Don’t stay in a relationship for comfort’s sake; true love is waiting for you. If you can’t quite make a relationship stick, work on yourself first.

Attraction should never outweigh emotional safety or compatibility.
Pilar Walker, Her Way

Pilar Walker AKA P, co-leader of Her Way

Many sapphic women grow up without clear examples of what healthy, long-term same-sex relationships look like, which can create confusion when navigating dating as adults.

My advice is to take an inner-self approach to dating. Become what you want to attract. That starts with doing the internal work, healing trauma through therapy or intentional self-reflection, whether that trauma stems from family dynamics, friendships, or past romantic relationships. Too often, people look for someone to fill a void rather than addressing what needs healing within themselves. Learning to be comfortable being alone and genuinely enjoying your own solitude is a crucial part of this process. When you are whole on your own, you are less likely to settle for connections that don’t truly serve you.

While dating, it’s important to never ignore red flags, no matter how strong the chemistry may be. Attraction should never outweigh emotional safety or compatibility. Clear, firm, and honest communication is essential, as is the willingness to listen and receive feedback. Patience with yourself and with the dating process is equally important. Take accountability for your role in past dating or relationship challenges and actively work to change behaviors that may have contributed to unhealthy patterns.

Ultimately, peace and happiness come from within. Setting and maintaining boundaries that protect your emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being is not selfish, it is necessary. Dating is, first and foremost, a journey about you. It only becomes about you and someone else once a strong foundation is built and there is mutual alignment toward a long-term relationship. When you prioritize caring for yourself, everything else begins to fall into place naturally.

The world, despite the horrors, is your oyster.
Rowan, Dyke Night organizer

Rowan, Dyke Night organizer

One of the hardest things about queer dating is moving past the heterosexual social scripts we’ve been fed about how relationships are supposed to work, especially when it comes to the art of flirting. I constantly see sapphics complain that while they’d love to have a cinematic meetcute at the club, it seems that no one EVER approaches them! When I’ve asked what’s stopping THEM from sidling up to that cute masc they’ve been sharing sordid glances with all evening, the excuses inevitably start rolling in. They would feel predatory for hitting on another woman, it’s the other person’s role (especially if their would-be suitor is more masculine of center) to approach them, or (gasp) what if the person isn’t attracted to them and turns them down?

While understandable, many of these fears are rooted in narratives we’ve been told about homosexuality–that queer sexual desire is immoral, and that taking any kind of agency over your sexuality (AKA making the first move) can only come from a place of ill intent. We’ve collectively internalized these stories to the point that we pre-emptively cut ourselves off from any kind of intimacy.

The old rules—which were never made with a love like yours and mine in mind–aren’t working anymore, that much is clear. If you really want to find connection and love (whatever that may look like to you), I challenge you to shed your ideas of what romance is ‘supposed’ to look like. Take control of your desire and hit on that femme on the dance floor, or that butch smoking outside the bar. Get told ‘no.’ Get told ‘yes.’ Get told ‘no, but my friend over there is very interested.’ The world, despite the horrors, is your oyster.

Selene San Felice, CL’s managing editor

After I finally came out in my mid-20s, I spent years circulating through dating apps and joining as many IRL queer activities as possible.

I’d spend hours on swipe binges through Her or Tinder, going through every WLW in within a 50-mile radius of St. Pete, sometimes extending the age filter past points I was comfortable with just to see more options. After chatting with a few people, maybe going on a few dates that went nowhere, I’d give up and try to focus on myself (repeatedly asking my therapist what’s wrong with me).

On my last Tinder binge, I matched with a girl I thought was surely too hot for me, was surely too hot to message me back, was surely too hot to actually show up to our date. But she did. And three years later, I still wonder how I pulled it off.

There’s no perfect app or formula to find someone. Sometimes, it’s just right swipe, right time. The only thing you can do in the meantime is stay hopeful and try not to be weird. It’s great to be open to dating in a community space, but do not be predatory or blatantly look solely for romantic prospects. Be clear about your intentions if you make a new friend, but be respectful.

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