Well, well, well. A promotion may be at hand. U.S. gold-medal Olympian Ryan Lochte has been promoted from part-time to full-time douchebag.
Reports are emerging from Brazil that while Lochte is safe in his Florida home, the three other swimmers he was with when they claim to have been robbed at gunpoint have admitted to fabricating the entire story. A gold medal in the lying douchebag event has been awarded.
Swimmers James Feigen, Jack Conger and Gunnar Bentz were again questioned by Brazilian authorities after being pulled off their flight home by police. The three admitted that instead of being robbed at gunpoint as Lochte had originally reported, they took a pit stop at a gas station to use the bathroom and drunkenly vandalized several signs and urinated in the alley. Armed gas station security demanded they pay for the damage, which somehow got misconstrued by Lochte as a robbery, which he said was committed by men dressed as police officers. No comment has come from Lochte or any of his representatives.
Today is the big day: Don’t blink or you will miss it. What looks more like a group of adults trying to rapidly make it to the bathroom is actually called race walking and it’s an Olympic sport. Often confused for a middle school walk-athon, “athletes” adhere to strict rules while walking up to 50 kilometers. Some of these race walkers break seven-minute miles. How many of you can break a seven-minute mile while running? Men’s final got underway earlier this morning, while the women’s takes place this afternoon.
Soccer is the only team sport to have been played at every (modern) Olympics since 1904, except for 1932, and Brazil, one of the most famous soccer-playing nations, has never won a gold medal. That may change this week when Brazil plays Germany in the gold medal match. In order to get there, Brazilian Neymar scored the fastest goal in Olympic history; just 14 seconds after kickoff. The final takes place tomorrow. Either way, history will be made. Brazil will either win its first gold medal or become the most talented but inept team ever.
The Bay area made another Olympic appearance Wednesday, this time earning a gold medal. Tampa resident and two-time world champion Tianna Bartoletta won a gold medal in the long jump event, jumping 23 feet and six-and-a-quarter inches. Bartoletta also competed in the 100-meter dash. She failed to make the finals in that event, but more than made up for it in the long jump.
The U.S. men’s basketball team takes on Spain in the semifinals today at 2 p.m. The men are expected to win gold, so let’s hope they don’t drop the ball and embarrass us. The U.S. could use the medal to keep up with Grenada. So far the U.S. boasts 100 medals in the games. Dailiah Muhammad’s gold and Ashley Spencer’s bronze in the women’s’ 400-meter hurdles were the 99th and 100th medals won by Olympic athletes. China comes in second with 58 and Great Britain with 56.
This article appears in Aug 18-25, 2016.