Time for another round of pigskin prognostications nobody seems to care about — yet. We're hard at work developing a series of bribes that should change your tune right quick, Tampa Bay. But in the meantime, we're just going to keep ramming this thing down your throats like Max Hardcore on a meth bender.
This week in football, Detroit Lions fans everywhere (all 13 of us!) rejoiced when staggeringly incompetent General Manager Matt Millen was finally ousted after seven years of — you guessed it — staggering incompetence.
Unfortunately for the rest of the country, Mr. Millen was then immediately summoned to Washington as an emergency financial consultant.
Onward to this week's picks …
Eric Snider sez:
Green Bay Packers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
A tough call here. Bucs are one-point favorites, playing on their home field after an emotional OT victory, which could help their confidence. At this point, it's hard to tell how good — or bad — the Bucs really are. I wouldn't touch this bet, but I'll pick Tampa Bay (especially if the team deactivates second-round pick, kick returner Dexter "Slip-Slidin' Away" Jackson. Can you be a bust by your third NFL game?)
Houston Texans @ Jacksonville Jaguars
The line is Jax by eight — I'd give the points and take the Jags. Houston looks like they've regressed. Jax can run it all day and their late, come-from-behind win over Indy should be a confidence booster.
San Diego Chargers @ Oakland Raiders
Oakland gets eight points here too, and that's substantial. The temptation is to think that SD has finally arrived and that Oakland, with its lame-duck coach, is dead in the water. I'm picking the Chargers to win, but not to cover.
Philadelphia Eagles @ Chicago Bears
This was going to be Snider's lead pipe-lock-bet-the-ranch-can't-miss special. But Brian Westbrook is hurt, so I've downgraded this pick to Snider's lead pipe-lock-bet-the-ranch special. Westbrook or no, Philly can score, and their defense will swarm Bears QB Kyle Orton. The line is Philly by three. Give the points and take the Iggles.
Fantastic Sal sez:
Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers (Monday Night)
The Ravens and Steelers are one-two in total defense, meaning this potentially low-scoring affair should be the perfect tonic for anyone who misses those NHL Norris Division battles of yore. I hope the states of Pennsylvania and Maryland enjoy watching this MNF dose of gridiron valium. Take the Steelers, I guess.
Denver Broncos @ Kansas City Chiefs
Time was when Arrowhead Stadium and "home-field advantage" were synonymous. No longer, which makes this the perfect occasion for us to refine the whole "home-field advantage" axiom: Being at home might make a good team play better, but it can't make a bad team suck less. Denver in a romp.
Buffalo Bills @ St. Louis Rams
To steal a phrase from the obnoxious Chris Berman, the Buffalo Bills have circled the wagons and are on their way to 4-0 at the quarter mark of the season. At least once they get through with the hapless Rams, who are at the bottom of the league in offense AND defense. And have just turned to perennial journeyman/concussion liability Trent Green as QB. Considering the Bills' subpar record in domes, I'm tempted to take the Rams and the points. Just not that tempted.
Joe Bardi sez:
Cleveland Browns @ Cincinatti Bengals
Possibly the ugliest dog fight since Michael Vick's last Christmas party. The Bengals and Browns have come to define futility and mediocrity for the 2008 NFL season. Lackluster play is nothing new for the heartless Bengals, but the Browns were supposed to be a serious playoff contender. Someone has to win, right? Actually, no. They don't. When the zebras blow the whistle on overtime, the score will stand 9-9 and both teams will remain winless.
San Francisco 49ers @ New Orleans Saints
This one has got "shootout" written all over it, especially since both teams play defense about as well as 20th-century France. Sure, San Fran beat the Seahawks and New Orleans bested our hometown Buccaneers, but neither team can be trusted to play well on any given Sunday. Take the Saints, but only because they seem to have the Niners' number, winning seven of the last 10 meetings and all three games since 2004.
Washington Redskins @ Dallas Cowboys
I'm tempted to go with the Cowboys, who seem to be on a roll that might soon begin to resemble New England's epic season from a year ago. However, I have watched a lot of Cowboys/Redskins match-ups in my day. You see, growing up I was a Dallas fan and my brother was a staunch DC defender. I can recall far too many meetings where I trash-talked a lackluster Skins squad, only to see them best a superior Cowboys team in the end. Call it 21-20 Cowboys, or call my brother on Monday and congratulate him.
The Lowly Intern sez:
Atlanta Falcons @ Carolina Panthers
The remarkably unoriginal Falcons plan to copy a current trend against the Cats and utilize scatback Jerious Norwood in the direct snap shotgun formation this week. Unfortunately for him, the end result should be a bunch of direct shots to the chinstrap; especially from loaded weapons Jon Beason and Julius Peppers. Carolina covers not only the spread, but also the field — with Norwood's remains. Yeesh.
Minnesota Vikings @ Tennessee Titans
Never underestimate the potential impact of Vikes RB Adrian "All Day" Peterson against any given defense; even one as good as the Tits', which so far resembles anything but a bunch of boobs on the opposite side of the ball. Fuck, man, I need Peterson to have a big game as much as anyone (he is, after all, the crown jewel of my fantasy squad), but I don't see it happening here. I hate to say it: "All Day" becomes "Not Today" this time out. Take Vince's Young Men and laugh all the way to the shrink.
Arizona Cardinals @ New York Jets
This one's for you, Amanda: Jets 41, Cards 17. Incidentally, I loathe Kurt "Chachi" Warner almost as much as I worship Brett Favre (and would gladly bear the latter's man-babies). Jesus may love you, Kurt, but you're going down in flames against the real American Idol.
This article appears in Sep 24-30, 2008.