Here we go with another round of hastily compiled football picks. Our guest handicapper this week is office menace Euchre Bot 5000, a contraption we foolishly spent half our editorial budget on last week — because we could never seem to rustle up four human participants whenever the urge to waste precious time playing trick-based card games arose.
Long story short, Euchre Bot 5000 became self-aware sometime on Friday afternoon and began attempting to systematically eliminate us. Snider bravely managed to trap it in the break room, and put up quite a valiant fight in the ensuing deathmatch. We're confident that we'll have him reanimated via dark sorcery in no time.
Fortunately, we were able to make up our missing picks after the killer robot discovered beer in the company fridge and finally chilled the fuck out.
Fantastic Sal sez:
Miami Dolphins @ Houston Texans
Let me get this straight: The Fins get beat by the New Jersey JV team in the first game of the season, follow that up by getting routed by the Arizona Cardinals in week 2, and then follow that up with resounding victories over the Pats and Bolts. And they're doing it with hard-nosed, all-out play spiced with a 100-year-old single wing attack. At the risk of jinxing my team: Take the Dolphins and the points against the Houston Fuck-Ups.
Oakland Raiders @ New Orleans Saints
Remember the good old days, when the mere mention of the Raiders would strike fear into opponents' hearts and send them scurrying for the nearest stadium exit? Well, those days are long gone. And so begins the Tom Cable era in Oakland. Could he be the next Art Shell; a midseason replacement who spurs Da Raiders to respectability? Not likely. Especially not with a middling pass defense against Drew Brees in the Superdome.
New England Patriots @ San Diego Chargers
So here's what we know thus far: The Chargers' defense sucks, ranked 28th out of 32 teams. The Pats' D, meanwhile, is a respectable 11th. On the other hand, they're a dismal 23rd in offense, while the Bolts are 15th. Quite a football handicapper's quandary, no? Not really, once you figure in the ever-reliable X factor: Evil genius Bil Belichick out-stone-faces Norv Turner for the victory.
Joe Bardi sez:
Baltimore Ravens @ Indianapolis Colts
The Colts should have to pay gift taxes on last week's victory over the Texans. (Memo to Houston QB Sage Rosenfels: Slide, you jackass!) Indy will face a more stingy opponent this Sunday, when the Baltimore Ravens visit the Colt's brand-spankin' new Olive Oil Stadium. The Raven's D, led by tackle-and-taunt machine Ray Lewis, is playing near the level of their Super Bowl year and figures to harass Peyton Manning all day. When Manning is forced to move around, interceptions and defensive touchdowns are often the result. If the Colts can hang onto the ball, they might be able to squeak out a win. Too bad they won't be able to hold onto the ball. Ravens win 21-17.
Cincinnati Bengals @ New York Jets
Fresh off a bye week, the New York Favres and their suddenly pass-happy offense play host to the pathetic and underperforming Bengals. I'm not saying the Favres are a good team (they aren't), but they're certainly good enough to beat Cincinatti this weekend. Still happy with those off-season moves, Green Bay?
Green Bay Packers @ Seattle Seahawks
Woe the Green Bay Packers. The Aaron Rodgers experiment has been hampered by injury, the defense isn't playing up to last year's standards and old #4 has already rung up double-digit TD pass totals in the Big Apple. It could be worse for the cheeseheads, though. They could be Seahawks fans. Seattle coach Mike Holmgren is on the way out (he's already announced this is his last year), and the team is so sad to see the coach go they have already rolled over on the season. It must be all that rain in the Pacific Northwest. Anyhoo, the Packers get a road win this weekend, but the fate of their season is still very much in doubt.
The Lowly Intern sez:
Chicago Bears @ Atlanta Falcons
Falcons RB Michael Turner hopes to pad his league-leading rushing totals at home against a sturdy Bears D. Meanwhile, Bears QB Kyle Orton aspires to continue his recent trend of stunning competence. I trust Orton about as far as I can throw him, which may actually be farther than ol' neckbeard himself can toss a football. Look for the Falcons to step up and take this one, while also shaving some points off Orton's QB rating.
Detroit Lions @ Minnesota Vikings
God, this is depressing. The Lions are faring about as well as the U.S. economy on both sides of the ball. You know things are bad when one of the other team's recievers (Bernard Berrian) is being touted as a top fantasy option, even though it hasn't yet been determined that he'll actually play in the game.
Carolina Panthers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Panthers sport a voracious D and an emerging offense that's coming off a 34-0 pasting of the Chiefs last week. The Bucs narrowly lost to the Broncos, who lost to Kansas City two weekends ago. Go figure. I think the Bucs can pull this one out, though — even if only because I need a piece of bandwagon driftwood to cling to this season as my Lions sink into a watery grave.
St. Louis Rams @ Washington Redskins
Rams RB Steven Jackson apparently spent his week off "getting in football shape". A third of the way into the season. Still, it's hard to fault Jackson for his lackadaisical approach to conditioning, seeing that the only team out there the pathetic Rams might have a shot at besting is — that's right, folks — Detroit. Too bad they're playing the Redskins this week instead. Good luck with that one, boys.
Euchre Bot 5000 sez (home teams in caps):
DENVER BRONCOS > Jacksonville Jaguars, Dallas Cowboys > ARIZONA CARDINALS, Philadelphia Eagles > SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS, New York Giants > CLEVELAND BROWNS.
Death … to … all … humans. Whir. Click. Beep.
This article appears in Oct 8-14, 2008.