The last person I dated, upon asking her why she didn’t want to date me, said this: "Your sensitivity to comments. You take insult very quickly. Take things personally that are in no way meant to be an insult against who you are. You are a wonderful man, but things get tough when people are close. If you are getting upset about small things, how will you handle the big things that are actually insulting?" It's not just in romance. My boss gives me a TON of feedback, really good feedback. But each time I felt like he was going to fire me. I talked to him about it and he was like — no, I’m just trying to make you the best you. Do I need to change my ways if I hope to get into a relationship? That feels phony, but maybe it's not?
A Sensitive Type
Dear Sensitive Type,
Did you know that you can't really tell the difference between a male and female pigeon, not by coloring, size, or behavior? You can make an educated guess based on these things, but both members of the species will sit on the nest, can become aggressive, and have all kinds of feather variation. Unless you observe a pigeon laying an egg, the only way to know for sure is to submit a feather for DNA testing. Dear Sensitive, I think you know why I started with this salvo, because you're good at reading between the lines. But cut it out. And prepare for your two-part answer.
Firstly, it's a myth that men aren't sensitive. I've found men to be extremely sensitive, but then, that would ignore the fact that I've found women to be extremely sensitive. As if one gender is and the other is not. It would also be avoiding the truth that I am extremely sensitive. Some of us hide it better than others, but all of us, with enough digging, are like pigeons. You really can't tell the difference emotionally. This is the wonderful thing about pairing with another human, the ability to shed the mask. Treasure your feelings and the people who make it ok for you to express them.
That said, there is such a thing as making things about you that are not about you. I'm not sure your problem is being too overly attuned to your feelings, because if you were, you would've noticed how this behavior grated your partner. Internalizing critique can be a by-product of needing others' approval for happiness, which is my diagnosis since you asked this question in the first place.
It's interesting that you bring up your boss, because that's a situation where performance reviews are part of the bargain. And lots of people worry about getting fired when faced with criticism at work. If you still have that job and have successfully addressed the critique, well done. It's possible that by practicing the following, you'll be less inclined to respond in a way that you'll regret.
Thinking there is something wrong with how you feel is far worse than the feeling you are having. When it comes to getting in touch with your feelings in order to better navigate the world, I'm a big fan of Marshall Rosenberg's strategies. The breakthrough method involves identifying feelings free of judgment. So, if my partner says, "Hurry, we don't want to be late." I can acknowledge either: he's right, I'm running behind, or that I need him to let me go at my pace. The next step is to let him know my needs, without ramping up the situation. "Back off, fucker," is as terrible as, "I'm trying to hurry!" I need to take responsibility in a non guilt-inducing way. You can read more about this here.
Let me hasten to add this: It's a good thing you two broke up because you're obviously incompatible. This is not the same as being a narcissist, which is everyone's favorite word to bandy about these days. I bring narcissism up not because you mention it, but because it's my own pet peeve, and frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if someone who said something so judge-y also threw that one out. It's not a skillful partner who blames you for what they happen not to like. Self-reflection is the key. Self. Not reflection with input from the ex.
Can you improve? We all can. Find someone who'll make the journey fun.
Love, Confidential
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This article appears in Dec 27, 2018 – Jan 3, 2019.