1. Suffer a debilitating sunburn even though you know better.
2. Walk, run, rollerblade, bike or push one of those goofy (and ridiculously expensive) jogging baby strollers down Bayshore Boulevard in Tampa.
3. Learn to play shuffleboard. Sure, the historic St. Pete courts are a holdover from the city's previous incarnation as God's waiting room. But on Fridays, the artists and hipsters take them over for free gaming and scene-making from 6-9 p.m.
4. Visit the Hospitality House at Busch Gardens. Extra points if you chug your two free beers and run to Gwazi.
5. Picnic at Fort DeSoto. Consistently ranked as one of Florida's best beaches, Fort DeSoto Beach's pristine coastline lacks the condo development that's ravaged the area's other beaches.
6. Get asked about Mons Venus while at TIA. "How far is it?" "How much is it to get in nowadays?" "Are lap dances still illegal?" This is more for the gentlemen than the ladies, though ladies, if you do get these questions, you should be either really flattered or really offended, because somebody thinks you're a stripper. Or a man.
7. Find a mummified lizard somewhere in your house.
8. Have A Drink At:
•Mastry's. You don't know St. Pete 'til you've bellied up to the bar at this venerable Central Avenue dive.
•The Hub. The Tampa equivalent of Mastry's, but without the stuffed fish on the walls.
•Undertow. Sunsets, mango daiquiris and a perpetual beach volleyball game.
•The Tiny Tap. Shoot some pool and grab a cheap brew at the Tiny Tap, a hole in the wall about the size of a hole in a wall.
•Georgie's Alibi. The drinks are strong, the dance floor's a party and the food (including multiple varieties of beefcake) is plentiful.
9. Get festive in Vinoy Park. Whether you're scoring ribs at Ribfest or scoping out artwork at Mainsail, the setting is a masterpiece (and we're not talking KC).
10. Take in some beers and local bands at Dunedin Brewery. Quaff some of the place's award-winning home-brewed staples or seasonals, while checking out quality home-brewed talent like Rebekah Pulley, The Threads or Four Star Riot.
11. Do The Pier: It's cheesy, it's a tourist trap, but you have to go there at least once. So put on your favorite floral print Jimmy Buffett shirt and grab a margarita at Cha Cha Coconuts.
12. See an "Abridged" anything at Jobsite Theater. Whether they're blazing through the Bible, William Shakespeare or the complete history of America, the wackos of Jobsite Theater do their best to outdo the original.
13. Give fake directions to a Snowbird.
14. Stroll Central Avenue. Chic restaurants, dive bars, antiques, galleries, punk-rock boutiques, grizzled men hawking rattan — downtown St. Pete's beating heart reinvents the old-school promenade with its own funky charm.
15. Go to Channelside IMAX opening weekend of a big blockbuster, and pretend you aren't as much of a loser as the people wearing Lord of the Rings jewelry.
16. Hear Rosa Rio play the organ at Tampa Theatre. It's imperative that you catch a flick at this fantabulous movie palace, but to get the full impact you have go on a day when Rosa's rising up from the floorboards.
17. Bet the quinella at Derby Lane, the nation's oldest continuously operating greyhound track, opened in 1925. Ask one of the old-timers about the jazz band that used to play between races.
18. Drive the Sunshine Skyway. Collapse-free since 1980!
19. Rage against the roadway at Malfunction Junction. The I-4/I-275 bottleneck was listed among the 20 worst in the nation in a 2002 study by the American Highway Users Alliance.
20. Grow to hate Gasparilla.
21. Grow to hate Guavaween.
22. Curse Ronda Storms' name/Bless Ronda Storms' name. (If you have to ask who Ronda Storms is, you are not a Tampa Bay resident.)
23. Shriek and shake-dance hastily after discovering that the tickle on your arm/leg/neck is actually a giant palmetto bug.
24. Make for the minarets. There's no escaping the most distinctive element in Tampa's skyline. Go to UT's Plant Hall when it's decked out for Christmas, or check out the grandiose dreams of mogul Henry B. Plant in the small but interesting Plant Museum.
25. Experience a Tropical Heatwave. Community radio station WMNF (88.5 FM) has thrown this bacchanal of eclectica in Ybor City for 25 years.
26. HURRICANE WATCH
•Get into a not-so-friendly tussle for plywood during hurricane season.
•Leave town to avoid a hurricane and end up staying the night somewhere the storm actually hits.
•Throw an I-don't-give-a-shit-about-the-hurricane party.
•Drink a Bacua Freeze and watch the sun set from the roof of The Hurricane.
27. Satisfy your soul-food jones at Atwater's Café. Mmmmmm … Atwater's.
28. Watch the manatees at the Apollo Beach Manatee Viewing Center. In cooler weather, the so-ugly-they're-cute sea cows congregate in the warm outflow of the Tampa Electric plant. You can stand on a platform and watch them. While they do nothing.
29. See a show at the USF SunDome. Complain about the sound.
30. Taunt a uniformed Scientologist in downtown Clearwater. "Your reactive mind is showing and your ARC break is imminent!"
31. Ask someone, "What is the big white tower off I-275 in Sulphur Springs?"
32. Shop for used books at Haslam's. The sign outside says it's "Florida's largest" book store. We're not quite sure what the quotes mean, but this St. Pete institution has been around for more than 60 years and is still the best place to browse for both tattered paperbacks and new novels.
33. Steal citrus from a neighbor's tree.
34. See a Broadway show at the Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center. Complain about the traffic jam.
35. Walk the three miles of trails through swamps and scrubland at the 245-acre Boyd Hill Nature Preserve, South St. Pete's award-winning park. Extra points for not touching the poisonous water moccasins sunning themselves on the boardwalks.
36. Avoid sitting at the table reserved for the late Roland Manteiga, legendary editor of La Gaceta, when ordering a Cuban sandwich at La Tropicana, Ybor City's old-school eatery.
37. Drive over "Thrill Hill." We've been told that, for the desired stomach-in-your-throat sensation, the perfect speed to drive over this hill on Third Street S. just south of USF is 34 miles per hour. Like we say, we've been told.
38. Watch a movie at Fun-Lan Drive-In. Enjoy a classic American experience at one of the few theaters of its kind left in the country.
39. Visit Driftwood. Shady streets, beautiful trees and interesting architecture. This south St. Pete neighborhood is some of the most coveted waterfront property in the area, and has an artsy, earthy vibe.
40. MEDIA MIX
•Choose your poison: Tampa Tribune or St. Petersburg Times.
•Marvel at the radioactive orange of Wendy Ryan's makeup.
•Slap away a tbt* distributor.
•Tune into Bay News 9 and watch the station's newest superstar, Ferdinand Zogbaum, report on a Hernando County house fire.
41. Eat a monster slice of cake from Wright's Gourmet. Spend the next few hours groaning about your uncivilized gluttony.
42. Spend hours amidst the more than 2,000 vendors at Wagon Wheel Flea Market, bargain somewhat successfully for [insert inessential item here], and ultimately leave feeling tired and slightly defeated.
43. Groove out at Jannus Landing. The courtyard venue in downtown St. Pete hosts all kinds of concerts and has an easy, open vibe.
44. Go to an opening at Covivant. And do it quick. Covivant's infinitely resourceful director, Carrie Mackin, is headed for NYC, and there's no word yet on whether her edgy gallery will go on without her.
45. Visit the Saturday morning farmers' market in downtown St. Petersburg. Grab some staples (fresh fruits and veggies), do some craft shopping, then chow down on tasty eats from area vendors.
46. Intend to go to Sunken Gardens. Never quite get around to it. End up at Carraba's instead.
47. Do the stingray shuffle.
48. Take the free SeaPort Adventure, starting at the Florida Aquarium. The 90-minute cruise aboard the 64-foot Bay Spirit tours Port Tampa, one of the biggest ports in the country.
49. Take in a spring training baseball game from the tiki hut bar in left field at Bright House ballpark in Clearwater. Wolf down two cheesesteaks in honor of Philly, whose team trains here.
50. Become stuck on the Clearwater Beach roundabout. Look, kids! Big Ben! Parliament!
51. Take mushrooms and see how your voice sounds at the amphitheater behind the Tampa Museum of Art. The mushrooms are optional.
52. Be dazzled by an outdoor Florida Orchestra concert and the fireworks display that sometimes follows.
51. EAT THIS:
•Grouper sandwich at the original Frenchy's.
•Smoked fish spread at Ted Peter's.
•Black beans and rice at La Teresita.
•Curried chicken at Jerk Hut.
•Everything at Ceviche.
54. Attend the Florida Strawberry Festival in Plant City. Eat shortcake at the St. Clement's booth.
55. Pick your swimsuit out of your ass after sliding down the 210-foot Gulf Scream at Adventure Island.
56. Experience seagull thievery. No, we don't mean steal a seagull — have a seagull steal your lunch.
57. Enjoy/Endure the full Skipper's Smokehouse experience. Look, we don't care how you feel about deep-fried gator bites, snarkily friendly servers, tequila and rum drinks, and dancing barefoot in the sand while the Reverend Billy C. Wirtz plays for the thousandth time. Just go.
58. See Scott Kazmir pitch. The Devil Rays have an honest-to-goodness ace in the 22-year-old lefty. While you're at it, catch a Bucs game and see Cadillac Williams run.
59. "Borrow" a canoe for a seafaring joyride. Hey, as long as you bring it back — and nobody sees you — it's not stealing, it's stress therapy.
60. Think pink. Cruise the lobbies of the "pink hotels" (Don CeSar and Renaissance Vinoy) and the "pink streets" of Pinellas Point. The real estate may be pricey, but there's no charge for passing through.
61. Heckle a hooker on Nebraska Avenue.
62. Try to have fun in downtown Tampa after dark. Sitting at the Hub doesn't count.
63. Go hot tub hopping.
64. Fish from the old Gandy Bridge. It's almost inconceivable that any Bay area kid could grow up without a day (or night) spent on one of the wooden walkways slung snug under what's now the Friendship Bridge in his or her memory.
65. Watch a heat lightning storm over the Bay.
66. Watch a cigar roller demonstrate his craft at the Ybor City State Museum (10 a.m.-1 p.m. Fridays and Saturdays). Don't smoke the newly rolled stogie; let it age first.
67. Strut in the St. Pete Gay Pride parade. Wet T-shirts, fabulous drag, huge crowds!
68. Dive into Epiphany Day in Tarpon Springs. Wet T-shirts, fabulous drag, huge crowds!
69. Eat in the Dessert Room at Bern's. You don't have to have dinner at Bern's (although it's recommended) but don't miss the dessert room. Secluded tables, dim lighting and a menu that remains unmatched in the Bay area.
70. Release your inner Neil Diamond at Wilson's or O'Maddy's. You can clown around or get serious and try to smoke the ringers at either one of Pinellas County's best karaoke dives.
71. Seek out the beautiful movers of Moving Current Dance Collective, whose top-flight modern dance does Tampa proud.
72. TAKE A DAY (OR A NIGHT) TRIP
•Eat amidst dead nature at the Linger Lodge. It's hard to eat meat with stuffed bears, panthers and rattlesnakes staring at you, but wouldn't they eat you if they had the chance? Plus, the frog legs come from right behind the trailer park.
•Wander among the beautiful orchids, tropical plants and banyan trees at Marie Selby Botanical Gardens along Sarasota Bay.
•Marvel at the variety of the human form at Webster Flea Market, a city-sized bazaar where most folks are, well, bizarre. Located about 50 minutes north of Tampa, it's open only on Mondays.
•Bore yourself silly on Egmont Key. Take a private boat south of Fort DeSoto to see ruins from the War of 1812 being slowly devoured by sand. Hey, wait, it's not boring — there are land tortoises!
•Fill up your grocery cart as you drink in the majesty of the gigantic booze and wine selection at B-21 in Tarpon Springs, from an era before warehouse-style wine shops.
•Take a post-last call drive to Spook Hill in Lake Wales. If you're going to ruin the whole hour-long drive by explaining false perspective and not paying for beer, then just go home. It's ghosts, motherfucker!
73. Get eaten alive by fire ants. These nasty little bastards build their piles strategically to catch barefoot humans. Everyone steps in one eventually.
74. Devour a tasty slab of ribs while porch-sitting at Kojak's House of Ribs. Maybe there are better ribs to be found in town, but nowhere else matches the location.
75. Stroll about halfway down the Sponge Docks at Tarpon Springs before you realize that you've just about had enough of cheesy tourist novelties, Greek pastries, intrusive hawkers and boring sponges.
76. Argue about the Tampa Museum of Art. Declare that St. Pete's Museum of Fine Arts is better. Consider actually going and looking at the art instead of just talking about it.
77. Bike (at least part of) the Pinellas Trail.
78. Pretend to resist the belly dancer at the Acropolis, then throw your inhibitions (and your napkins) to the winds. Shake those kebabs, baby!
79. Stop in to Snack City. Over 40 flavors of ice cream and the best milkshakes around.
80. Donate a bag of clothes and toys to Metropolitan Ministries or St. Vincent de Paul at Christmastime.
81. Drive by the bowling ball house in Safety Harbor, decorated with dozens of the garishly painted sporting goods by owners/artists Todd Ramquist and Kiaralinda.
82. Get freaked out by Sterling Powell's commercial for the Treasure Island Fun Center.
83. Eat breakfast at Skyway Jack's — there's nothing like scrambled brains and hog jowls in the morning.
84. Eat breakfast at Lenny's, starting with multiple baskets of danish. Ummmmm, crumb cake.
85. Hang out on the roof of the TIA parking garage. The airport has gone back to not charging for the first hour of parking, so chillin' atop the garage is back in style. It's a great place to take in a sunset or kill some time watching the planes land.
86. Sweat through something. On some days, just walking from the front door to the car door will do.
87. Search high and low at the Salvador Dali Museum for that painting with the melting clocks. Give up and ask a docent where it is. Leave disappointed that it is not in the collection.
88. Go wild watching the bald eagles, manatees and monkeys at Lowry Park Zoo, the best place to see captured critters outside of Busch Gardens.
89. Get a gyro at Angie's at 2 a.m. Feed your drunken appetite after last call at this heaven for gyro-lovers next door to Jannus Landing.
90. BURGERS & DOGS
•Sprinkle your Chicago-style hot dog with celery salt at Mel's Hot Dogs. If you're lucky, Mel Lohn himself will take your order and abuse you.
•Top your chili dog with cheese and onions at Coney Island Sandwich Shop, the last of a dying breed.
Sit outside at one of the poured concrete tables for your beer and a hamburger, all the way with criss-crossed pickle slices, at El Cap.
•Drive a few miles down Fourth Street N. for a second burger, in the outdoor garden at Chattaway.
91. Catch a couple of gearheads racing their shitty cars across the Gandy Bridge.
92. Hit the deck at Rick's on the River for a beer with a view. If a fight breaks out in the parking lot, you'll have even more to look at.
93. See an American Stage show at Demens Landing. Expect singing, dancing, but no Shakespeare. (The theater decided that Will works better indoors.)
94. Lounge by the pool at the Suncoast Resort. Remember why most men shouldn't wear Speedos.
95. Travel great distances to see women in funny costumes, either fish tails (mermaids at Weeki Wachee) or hoop skirts (Southern belles at Cypress Gardens).
96. Sign a petition and make a new hippie friend at Circus McGurkus, the 35-year-old "People's Fair" in St. Pete.
97. Get the Palladium and the Coliseum, um, confused. (Then check out the swinging senior citizens at the Coliseum's weekly tea dance.)
98. Olé at the flamenco show at Columbia Restaurant in Ybor City.
99. Hike the scenic trails of Weedon Island Preserve; marvel at the power plant standing in the middle of it all.
100. Look for the green flash at sunset.
Your Tampa Bay Residency Score
How'd you do? Tally up your total to find out where you rank in the hierarchy of Tampa Bay-ness.
0-20: THE PALEFACE. Have you ever actually been in Florida at all?
21-40: THE HERMIT. It's a start … if you just moved here in the past six months. Or if you've been living in Palm Harbor for the past decade.
41-60: THE HOMETOWNER. Close but no Ybor City cigar. Maybe you need to cross the bridge sometime.
61-80: THE CITIZEN. Strongly engaged in our region's rich tapestry. You may have a travel visa to downtown St. Pete or Ybor City anytime you want.
81-99: THE URBAN EXPLORER. Congratulations. You are an official denizen of Tampa Bay, embracing all the good, the bad and the ugly that our community has to offer.
100: THE TRUE LOCAL. You've run out of things to do. Maybe it's time you moved.
See also
This article appears in May 31 – Jun 6, 2006.