I just texted my friend Sydney a shirtless selfie because I’m stoned and I haven’t had sex in a week and I have a lingering case of blue balls from the previous night when a woman had me pull her hair for thirty minutes while thwarting my attempts to burrow under her shirt. Paranoia sets in. Did I just send that shirtless selfie to the wrong person? That happened last night when the hair-pulling-fetishist wanted to get stoned and I texted the wrong number asking where I could score some “greenery,” as I've never arranged a drug deal and I have no idea what the cool word for pot is. Turns out drug dealers aren’t incredibly reliable and my hookup happened a day late, leaving me to get stoned alone in a bathtub, attempting to entice Sydney to come over with promises of greenery, popsicles, and my shirtless self. This is all to say that my mind and body are in prime physical shape for reviewing porn, as I’m fascinated and aroused by pretty much everything, including the toaster.
Enough fluff. Let’s get these pants off and pop in Axel Braun's, Snow White XXX.
The film starts with Snow White (Riley Steele) fighting off the advances of an axe-wielding mullet-man, Barrett Blade. If that fucker so much as bruises her perfect, lily-white tits I’m going to smash this DVD. The scene cuts away. Steele’s tits remain unmolested, much like my impending boner.
“Oden’s beard it’s cold out there tonight!” the king (Alec Knight) mutters upon stepping into the queen's chamber. The line is so glorious I play it back twice.
Jessica Drake's BOOBS appear in the magical mirror on the wall and erase all preceding concerns about what happened with Snow White and the axe-wielding mullet-man. Just as my penis starts to get worked up in anticipation of Drake disrobing out of her evil queen costume, she conjures two woodland nymphs, Katie St. Ives and Ash Hollywood, to fuck the king for his birthday. The substitution is acceptable. It’s officially boner time!
There’s repeated mention of the king’s previous wife, which I’m sure is foreshadowing but I really could care less with all the fucking that's happening. Maybe I should sext pictures of boner time to Sydney. Maybe not. I usually fast forward from the kissing straight to the anal, but I find myself oddly compelled by this three-way foreplay, at least until I get distracted by the costumes and stage design, which remind me of an artsy Broadway play. Where did they get such luxurious drapes? I need more draperies in my life. The king has a literal fuck-hole cut in his tights for his dick and balls! This answers so many questions I've had about men's fashion during the middle ages. The nymphs' tattoos are historically inaccurate, but it’s a fairy tale, and they are naked, so I let it slide. The king holds back his coat tails so the camera can capture the action, then he cums on St. Ives' ass while still managing to hit her face. That's stage-conscious porn acting at its finest.
The queen has the nymphs fuck her husband to death, or so I gather from the ominous music. There’s a distinct possibility this film is too highbrow for my stoned mind to follow.
Cut to Steele's cleavage and a voiceover of Snow White realizing her father's death was no accident. Or maybe the voice belongs to Steele's omnipotent cleavage. Everything's a bit foggy for me.
Mullet-man appears in the queen's chamber. The queen commands her handmaiden to “scamper” without allowing her servant to participate in a pun-heavy hand-job. Before my boner has time to react, Mullet-man dives face first into Drake's ass. Wicked doesn’t skimp on the ass licking. Drake’s anatomy looks inviting. I would like to own a vacation home there, or perhaps a timeshare. My boner reaches new heights of excitement when it realizes the ass licking is foreshadowing for anal! The only thing that could make this moment better is some lotion and possibly a popsicle.
With the aid of her magical ass, the queen orders mullet-man to kill Snow White. The next scene jumps back to the beginning. Mullet-man abducts Snow White but I don’t think he’ll kill her. Something about his beard, earrings, and eyeliner reveal that he’s a man of principles. That and he basically has the same haircut as Snow White. Oh shit, is he her father? Mind blown!
Wait a minute! Didn’t Snow White hangout with seven mother-fucking dwarves? I’m so fucking stoked right now! There better be a seven-on-one dwarf gangbang.
Snow White takes refuge in a remote shack in the California mountains. Meanwhile the queen bites into a heart she thought mullet-man cut from Steele's perfect chest. Fake blood and anger splatter her otherwise flawless face. My boner turns upside down into a frowny face.
Back at Snow White’s frontier fuck-shack we hear weird whispering sounds off screen. Are Steele's magical tits talking again? No! The whispering is supposed to be the seven dwarves, meaning there are no actual dwarves in this film. Disappointment washes through me. I reassure myself with the promise of seeing Steele and Drake intertwined in a spiderweb of naked limbs.
Cut to the queen looking in the mirror at a topless guy with nefarious sideburns. Tell me it’s not a reflection of her inner self. The genie comes out of the mirror to fuck Drake. Normally I’d be ecstatic to see her naked again but something about this genie’s bracelets, hat, pearl necklace and facial hair makes me uneasy. Dude is wearing bedazzled lingerie. Looks like what Siegfried wore to fuck Roy. In truth the coins hanging from his outfit do make a pleasant jingling noise. I get lost studying the intricacies of Drake’s magical body, which raises several questions? How is her ass so cellulite-free? Do her fake eyelashes work as cum-blockers during facials? Aren’t her long nails a workplace hazard? Why hasn’t my shirtless selfie prompted a courtesy return sext from Sydney?
Drake and the genie meld into one. I really hope things don’t take a turn toward tranny town. I skip back a few minutes to watch Drake fucking again, and because my stoned mind isn’t ready to process more plot. Drake's dirty talk is the best dialogue in the film. Her sultry voice narrates the action for the visually impaired, or those stupid enough to try to write a review of the film while watching it.
No! Braun turned the queen into a wrinkled old witch. The wart on the witch’s rubber nose doesn't do my boner any favors. Why didn’t Braun simply hire an old woman to play this role? The witch gives Snow White a roofied apple, which puts her in a dream state.
Oden’s beard! RILEY STEELE AND JESSICA DRAKE ARE NAKED AND FUCKING!
I finally realize Snow White is the daughter from the king’s first marriage, but my hazy thoughts still can't comprehend why the queen needs to fuck her. Something about stealing Snow White's youthful essence. Is this a parable about aging porn stars worrying about losing the spotlight to younger starlets? In all honesty the why ceases to matter. I’ll accept any plot device that pairs these two women.
I keep my finger’s crossed that Drake’s bejeweled butt plug factors into the plot. Maybe it’s the source of her powers. All the dildo sucking reminds me how much I want a popsicle, but that would require a return to pants, which is a compromise I’m not willing to make.
A random dude in a red cape finds Snow White roofied in the woods. It’s Ryan Driller who played Superman in another parody. Is it the same cape? The music indicates that it’s a good thing this prince found Snow White in the woods, but he could merely be an itinerant rapist. Who the fuck else finds a girl unconscious in the woods and immediately starts molesting her?
The prince revives Snow White with excessive kissing and what looks like a magical, panda skin blanket.
“Your mouth is like snow,” Driller says. Weirdest fucking line in the movie.
All the male characters fuck in full costume through holes in their tights. Does this appeal to women’s vision of romance: Princess Charming with crotch-less tights? Perhaps I need to rethink my underwear choices. Regardless, it's an impressive commitment to character. This scene feels like the soft-core version. The thrusting is too sensual. Steele’s nipples only peek out of her dress. And there’s something about the tender music that makes the facial seem creepy.
More off-screen whispering from Snow White's "seven helpers." Is Snow White schizophrenic? I have a wild fantasy that this whole modern fairy tale is a delusion, that Snow White will wake up in the end to discover she’s a drugged-out maniac wandering the streets in an ragged prom dress.
Alas, this is not the twist ending Braun delivers. His ending involves Driller dressed as a cross between Little Richard and Prince, and Steele in a wedding dress that is no match for her tits. When the credit’s role, I skip back to the first scene of Drake and mullet-man, which delivers the happy ending I wanted—-well everything except the popsicle.
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