"Fall" and "broke" just go together, don't they? You fall, you done broke an arm. Civilizations fall when a society's collective morality goes bankrupt, which is a dressed-up accountant's term for broke.
And, of course, school starts up in the fall, and sure enough you wind up broke quicker than you can say "overpriced textbooks."
You could dial 1-800-CALL-MOMMY and hit up the folks for cash, but trust us, you won't be able to rely on the parental units forever. Might as well face it now. College is about lots of things, one of them being independence. That's a frightening word to some ears, but once you've embraced the liberating qualities of independence, you will swear off raiding dad's wallet once and for all.
Think about it: If they're not footing the bill for your every half-baked plan, road trip during midterms, drinking binge, Mom and Dad have less and less psychological leverage on your life. As Jenna Bush says, "Man, can't I score a fake I.D., get sloppy drunk and for once in my short, easy life not have to hear it from Daddy? By the way, watch your shoes, I think I'm going to puke now."
You want to major in psychology, sociology or — God help your broke-ass, contemplative soul — philosophy, it's your business. Telling you how to survive is ours.
When you take your seat in your Survey of Poststructuralism 101 class, take a look around you. About half your fellow students will not be at the party Friday night because they will have sought gainful employment. But not you. You will have scraped by using nothing but chutzpah, gumption and chicanery. Your soul is not for sale to The Man! (That comes after college.)
Open your mind, and other people's wallets will follow.
Beware, though. The road to easy money may lead you to getting scammed yourself. After all, physics or biology or something tells us that like attracts like. Because once you leave the free-and-reduced program at public school, there ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
In this spirit, we submit the A-Zs of surviving college, in the truest sense.
A is for Ask Mom and Dad. Never mind what we said in the introduction. You'd be a fool not to hit up Mom and Dad. It's your job to innocently fall in that well and remain stuck there as long as possible.
Trade Secret: "I didn't ask to be born!"
The Drawback: "You were an accident."
Borrow from rich friends. That's "borrow" in the sense of "Can I borrow a sheet of paper?" which translates to "Give me paper, and go fuck yourself." The kid in your dorm driving the BMW is a good target.
Trade Secret: Maintain a balance between sycophant and psycho. "Edginess" is key to keeping these people interested.
The Drawback: Pretending you can stand this turd.
Check sofa cushions and car seats. Change can really add up, so don't discount its value. And if you've never looked for spare change in other people's cars then you've never been truly impoverished.
Trade secret: Vigilance. Every cushion, every seat, every time.
The drawback: Pennies smell weird.
Dares. Anything you're willing to do that other people don't think you will (fake orgasms, let someone punch you) is worth money. Think of it as Truth or Dare sans truth, plus cash.
Trade secret: Dares are all about humiliation. The more you squirm over whatever stunt your buddies have concocted, the more they'll pay you to go through with it.
The drawback: Let's just say that no matter what stunt you perform, before you do, make sure someone's sober enough to dial 911.
Empties. After you wake up all cakey from an interminable party night, quickly gather all the empty aluminum cola (wink wink) cans. Aluminum Recycling Corp. (813-350-0487) pays 25 cents a pound, but that figure jumps up to 30 cents per pound if you bring in more than 100 pounds. Located at 5602 N. Armenia Ave., two blocks north of Hillsborough Avenue.
Trade Secret: It's easier to move the cans if they're crushed, yo.
The Drawback: 25 cents a pound.
Finance something you own. If you're not afraid to lose your car (or other assets) to the bank, then consider taking out a loan.
Trade secret: When you visit the bank, don't dress like you just came from the pawn shop.
The drawback: Banks hold a power greater than that of knee-capping loansharks — they determine your credit rating.
Give plasma. Sera-Tec Plasma Center, 534 Cleveland St., downtown Clearwater, pays — excuse me, "compensates," as the ma'am on the phone said — $20 and $35 the first two visits and $15 and $30 on subsequent visits. The catch is you have to wait 48 hours, so no going back a few minutes later. As the company's ads say, you can earn $195 per month, which is helpful because math is hard.
Trade Secret: You need to weigh more than 110 pounds, be between the ages of 18 and 59 and in good health.
The Drawback: Donation takes about two hours, longer for the initial visit.
Hawk your stuff. Not hock; hawk, as in to sell, once and for all, for cash. If you feel bad about selling your stuff, sell other people's. For instance, do you kinda sorta hate your roommates sometimes? Steal their textbooks and CDs, then sell them.
Trade Secret: Take things when your roommates are not home.
The Drawback: You will be suspect No. 1.
Internet sales and porn site links. There are innumerable ways to make money via the Internet, but one of the best is to set up a site with links to other pay sites, of which porn sites are generally the most lucrative. Revenue can be anywhere from 3 cents per click up to 15 percent of all sales generated from the hits you've generated.
Trade secret: Porn site Web masters are always looking to increase their visitors, and they even welcome your posting links to competitive sites.
The drawback: What drawback? This is win, win.
Jury-rig dollar bills to fetch free sodas and change from vending machines. Take two pieces of tape about a foot long and attach them to the end of a bill, in the center, but no more than a 1/4 inch in — don't cover any ink, basically. It helps to reinforce your tape handle with two pieces of tape, half on, half off the bill, so it will form a T-shape. The longer pieces will dangle like the tail of a kite.
Trade Secret: What's really cool is if you borrow the dollar bill.
The Drawback: Hours of operation can be restrictive. Either that, or learn to work very, very fast.
Kash. This is funny money, food stamps, Camel cash, coupons, etc. Kash is to true currency what a walk in baseball is to a hit — it's just as good. Scanners and color printers have made cheap reproductions of currency easier than ever. And almost every college kid who's independent qualifies for food stamps.
Trade secret: Funny money makes great tips in dark strip clubs.
The drawback: Counterfeiting is a federal crime.
Laboratory courier. Occasionally a classified ad will run for a job driving for a lab. You'd essentially be shuttling test samples from hospitals and draw stations to a lab for experiments, diagnostics, toxicology or paternity tests.
Trade secret: The gigs to hunt for are unadvertised, under the table, driving for a private lab or an individual doctor.
The drawback: It's pretty much (dare we say it?) a job.
Modeling nude. Check with your college art department or — depending on your level of bravery — look in the classifieds for ads for figure models and private modeling.
Trade secret: Bathing and grooming go a long way toward getting recalls.
The drawback: This would shut the door on any political aspirations, unless they're of the Jessica Hahn variety.
Notes and tests. Save them. Sell them. If you live on campus, it's easier to find out who is in the market, but word-of-mouth and loitering around orientation helps. Frats are always rumored to have vomit-covered files full of old tests and notes, but they only share those with people who have paid their dues.
Trade Secret: Stupid rich kids are your clientele. Refer to item "B."
The Drawback: Way too much hassle.
Oranges. Whoever says money doesn't grow on trees has never filched fallen fruit from the bed of a grove and sold it at an Interstate intersection.
Trade secret: Don't get caught in the groves.
The drawback: Oranges rank only third on the intersection bestsellers list, behind M&M's and roses.
Pot, as in the ads on the Back Page of this newspaper that say, "smoke pot, get paid." Basically, that's an ad for a research guide that costs $19.95. Read all about it on the Web site, www.confidentialreport.com.
Trade Secret: Just smoke your friends' pot for free, you greedy bastard.
The Drawback: Spending $19.95 on a book.
Quit a class. Fuck full loads.
Trade Secret: Do so before drop-add period ends.
The Drawback: Not graduating until 2010.
Recycling scrap metal. Top scrap metals include copper, brass and scrap aluminum. And some of the best sources are scrapped during home renovations: copper electrical wiring, brass fixtures and aluminum siding. (For scrap metal recyclers, check The Yellow Pages under "Recycling.")
Trade secret: A lot of salvageable items can be had for free from people who are simply unwilling to make a trip to the scrap yard.
The drawback: Pulling scrap parts is hard.
Sugar Daddy or Mama, whichever is applicable. If you're from the area, consider a former high school teacher.
Trade Secret: Once you put out, the money stops.
The drawback: Teachers don't make squat.
Turn in criminal acquaintances for cash rewards. If you've ever seen GoodFellas or been in third grade, you know that this isn't exactly cool, but if in your tenure as a poor college student you've witnessed some inexcusable criminal activity, by all means, do the right thing and reap the state-funded rewards.
Trade secret: Keep your trade a secret.
The drawback: You're a dirty fucking snitch.
Undergo medical experimentation. Radiant Research has six centers in Florida, including one in St. Petersburg, and on a monthly basis they will start studies for different age groups and indications. In fact, by the time you read this, they'll be testing a meningitis vaccine, and according to director Carole Taylor, the study is open to people ages 18 to 55. "Basically, we want to get as many college-age students as possible," Taylor says. The whole thing consists of two on-site visits, two follow-up calls and, oh yeah, 150 bucks. To participate, or get yourself listed in the Radiant Research database, call 727-343-4706.
Trade Secret: Anything for $150.
The Drawback: Calling St. Pete from Tampa costs 25 cents.
Vacuuming nude. Fetishists never cease to amaze. There's a burgeoning market for ladies willing to clean homes topless or in the buff.
Trade secret: Use of meditation to temporarily displace self-esteem and focus Zen-like on getting carpets spotless.
The drawback: Some people just want to be loved, and some people just want to be scrubbed.
Waltz your way into an old lady's retirement funds. The seniors ballroom scene in Florida is a hotbed for fraud.
Trade secret: The more you look like Patrick Swayze the better.
The drawback: It takes two to tango, and you'd have to be one of them.
XXX porn career. Your options locally include explicit modeling and taking part in Web sites like Voyeur Dorm. And while these are valid options, it may be time for you to give in to conventional employment and go fill out an application at the Gap.
Trade secret: Whiskey.
The drawback: Growing tired of sex.
Your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend. Give him or her a call, ya know, for old times' sake. Act like you're distracted. When they ask what you're doing, say you're just scanning some old Polaroids. Trust us, he or she will take the hint.
Trade Secret: It helps if you've really shot him or her in the nude.
The Drawback: Those Polaroids may soon be labeled "Exhibit A."
Zzzs. Quit school altogether and catch up on your sleep. You'll be well-rested for your job hunt.
Trade Secret: Firm mattress.
The Drawback: Real life.
This article appears in Aug 23-29, 2001.
