Defense Sitter
I just found out that my boyfriend of 18 months cheated on me around the beginning of our relationship. I have a habit of being way too forgiving with him, so I know I'd get by this if he'd just apologize. He won't. He claims we weren't serious or committed because we'd never had the exclusivity talk. Well, we were close friends for two years before getting physically involved, so our romance progressed pretty quickly. Three months into the relationship, when he had his fling, we'd already exchanged the L word, and he'd had my name tattooed onto his arm. When I pointed this out, he had the nerve to turn the tables and get mad at me. He had the one-night stand and I'm the one in the doghouse!
—Apology Excepted
Now that you've been apprised of the rules of your relationship — that anything not chiseled into a stone tablet goes — you might remind your boyfriend that the exclusivity talk is just one of many you've never had. Chances are, he's never warned you against doing wheelies on his parents' front lawn. Or getting down on all fours and barking at his grandma, Yorkshire terrier-style. Or running through the halls at his office, arms extended like airplane wings, shouting I can fly, I can fly! Or slurping soup out of your cupped hands when you join him and his biggest client for dinner. Or following up by plucking food off the plates of the couple next to you, pelting other diners with your peas, and dumping the bread out of the bread basket and wearing the basket home as a hat.
Suddenly, you have your work, well, uncut out for you. Being that you're the generous type, you'll probably find it within yourself to give the guy a few hours to put chisel to stone (or steak knife to Corian countertop if he's fresh out of limestone tablets). You don't ask much in return — only that he finds it within himself to squeeze out a word or two of apology; maybe even going so far as to utter the W word, as in I was WRONG. Now you know he cheated and he knows he cheated. Unfortunately, expecting an admission from him — a guy about as emotionally evolved as a fourth-grade playground bully — is like expecting pigs to not only fly, but to break the sound barrier.
It's unlikely he's even given this cheating thing much thought. If he hasn't figured it out for himself, he certainly can't explain it to you or give you any assurances it won't happen again. Instead, he takes advantage of your tendency to be the one in the relationship who wears the kick me sign (you prefer to call it being forgiving). The big worry on your part shouldn't be what he's going to do about the past, but what the past predicts he'll do in the future.
If you think he's worth keeping, drag him off to therapy and see if you can get him into the idea of graduating from the fourth-grade bully's native language, the tantrum, into the joys of adult conversation. While you're at the doc's, ask for assistance in removing your sliding standards for your boyfriend's behavior. Or do it yourself. Just stand up for whatever's right … no matter how hard Bully Boy pounds his chest and howls about the tough time he had explaining to Miss Fling his tendency to bruise in the shape of a heart with your name tattooed through it.
Crystal Bald
At a work conference, a coworker-friend sheepishly confessed to having what he thought was a futile interest in me. Unbeknownst to him, I'd broken up with my boyfriend fourth months prior. I'm finally ready to start dating again. Before the conference, my coworker would call me frequently. These days, now that he knows I'm single, he rarely phones. Do you think he's a player? Just shy? Not interested? Or, could it be that he's interested but thinks I need space?
—Mystery Manned
My crystal ball is all foggy on this one. Actually, truth be told, I neglected to pay the bill before I went on vacation, so I'm only getting occasional flashes of what looks like MTV Siberia and The Livestock Channel. (Visions, premonitions, winning lottery numbers and The Sopranos only come in on the premium channels.) Although I can't picture what's in his head, you can help him picture what's in yours by inviting him out. While you're out, invite him to tell you what's on his mind. Keep inviting him until you have your answers, or write me again when my psychic gift is no longer obscured by tragically hip, scantily clad cows stumbling through the woods to the decade-old musical moans of Alanis Morissette.
Copyright 2002, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com).
This article appears in Apr 10-16, 2002.