FROM HEAR TO ETERNITY
I'm 27, a divorced mother of two, and I've been dating a great guy for five months. The problem is, he only tells me he loves me about once a week; sometimes, only after a couple beers. When I tell him this isn't as often as I'm used to, he says that's just the way he is, and I should know he loves me without him saying it all the time. Well, I'm afraid I'm just going to get hurt again. I'm affectionate, and in touch with my emotions, and always say what I feel. If he really loves me, why won't he say so more often?
-All Ears
Surely, you don't give a girlfriend a congratulatory butt-slap when she scores Prada pumps at a JC Penney price – or butt heads with her when her liposuction loan comes through. You aren't asking much of this man, just that he think, talk, and act like a big, hairy Adam's-appled woman. So, when's the last time you surprised him by reshingling his roof and rotating his tires, or made him wait in bed while you grabbed a baseball bat and checked for intruders?
Men and women communicate very differently. Men show how they feel; they don't blather on about it. You say "I love you"; a man says, "Let me unclog your garbage disposal." Why don't men talk about their feelings? Quite frankly, because they often have no idea what they are. While women take a curatorial approach to emotion – putting each feeling on a little pedestal, attaching a brass plaque, and inviting friends over for wine, cheese, and extended discussion – most men try to ignore their feelings in hopes they'll go away.
I know, this isn't what you learned in chick-flick anthropology, where it takes just 90 minutes to have a man spouting mush like Old Faithful – implying that the male brain is the female brain minus the sensor for deeply discounted shoes. Male and female brains are actually quite different, explains researcher Michael Gurian, author of What Could He Be Thinking? Women's brains have a bigger storage unit for emotional memories, about seven language processing centers to men's paltry one or two, and verbal-emotional information superhighways to men's pothole-pocked back roads. In other words, expecting your boyfriend to be your emotive equal is a bit like expecting your cat to become an ace at Five-Card Stud.
So, he doesn't say "I love you" as often as you're used to. Who set the previous standard, your ex-husband? (Clearly, frequency is no guarantee.) Maybe you should applaud a guy who only tells you he loves you when he feels it. Instead, you pout because he isn't telling you when you feel he should feel it. Of course, if he were, it wouldn't prove he loves you, but it might mean he could moonlight as a lap dog.
Sometimes, "I love you" is just talk – as is "saying it with flowers." (What's being said, "Sorry I slept with your best friend"?) Maybe a guy who loves you says it with jumper cables – showing he cares enough to stop picturing you in bed, naked, to imagine you stranded on some dark road. Stop clamoring for your boyfriend to say it your way, and you might notice him communicating it in his. The alternative is getting a doll you can program to say whatever you want, whenever you want, from "I love you," to "My, you're slim!" to "You look exactly like Natalie Portman!" (Sincerity sold separately.)
WEIGHT AND SEE
My girlfriend is quite overweight – in all the right places, I'd say. She knows I like heavier women. I tell her how great she looks to me, but she still covers up during sex and won't have it unless it's pitch-black. I don't understand why a woman who's so confident in every other way feels so insecure about letting me see her. How can I help her feel better about her body?
-Loving Large
Note that there's no such thing as a "Skinny Pride" march; nor do you hear rail-thin models saying stuff like, "I've learned to accept myself as I am." While there's a whole industry that's risen up to help fat girls stand tall (and wide), many have had it drilled into them for so long that fat and ugly go together that they secretly believe it themselves. Convincing your girlfriend that she's truly "big and beautiful" will take time. Buy her lingerie, show and tell her how hot you find her body, remark approvingly on passing ample-ettes, and make fun of the underfed. She probably won't go for operating room brights in the bedroom. But, maybe, after she's heard you yell out the car window at some skinny chick for the 300th time – "Hey, Stickpin, eat a piece of beef!" – you might just work your way up to a Miss Piggy nightlight.
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com).
This article appears in May 25-31, 2005.