I've made plenty of gaffes at bars — been cut off, kicked out and too embarrassed by my actions to show my face in certain establishments ever again. My worst decisions — getting into a nasty, multi-person brawl, consuming illegal substances in the bathroom — could have landed me in jail. Other screw-ups just earned me the reputation of the night's "asshole."
In fact, the bar etiquette items listed below were mostly gleaned from lessons learned the hard way — as in I was the jerk-off committing the crime. But after a decade in the trenches, I'd like to think my conduct has improved. Of course, the more you imbibe at one sitting, the easier it is to slip up and do the regrettable or felonious. So, even if you're the smoothest bar patron since Humphrey Bogart, you still might want to lodge these guidelines in the old memory bank, somewhere that remains relatively dry even after that 10th stiff one of the night.
Know when to say when. If you think you might be slurring, swaying or having trouble seeing across the bar, it's time to close your tab, walk home, call a cab or, at the very least, order a club soda and whatever food is available. Downgrading from whiskey to beer usually doesn't do the trick. Trust me, I've tried that one too many times, only to find myself waking the next morning overcome with the panic of: "What the hell did I do last night?"
Never hurl inside. On a similar note, if you're feeling ill, get outside ASAP. I've never hurled inside a bar but have lost my shit in many a parking lot, a far less embarrassing situation than puking on the shoes of the person seated next to you. One night after too many Mai Tais at a place called the Bahi Hut in Sarasota, I witnessed a young woman expunge assorted rums and fruit juices all over the sneakers of a former Weekly Planet writer who will go unnamed. It wasn't a pretty scene.
Tip a buck. Per drink. If you're going to be a cheap-ass, sit at home and get loaded on a case of Busch. There are exceptions, though. For instance, when it's kickball season and I meet my friends for their post-game revelry at MacDinton's on Thursdays for $1 Miller Lites, I refuse to tip 100 percent every time I order a draft. Instead, I start a tab, put my beers and the inevitable rum-and-cokes (and perhaps shot or two) on it, and then tip 20 percent off the total. Incidentally, "tip a buck" doesn't apply to toilet attendants, a topic we thoroughly covered in last month's "Ultimate Bar" columns, the second of which included reader feedback that made it clear many of you feel the same as me about the hustlers working the sinks.
Don't bum more than one. With a pack of smokes now costing about as much as a cocktail, it's really not cool to hit people up for one, especially strangers, and especially if the bar sells cigarettes, which is usually the case. Now I understand there are those of you who have quit smoking and want just one to go with that magical third drink of the evening. Fine. But asking the same person for more than a single cig during the course of the night is simply wrong. Mix it up. Mooch off someone else, and try to do your begging beyond view of the last person you accosted.
"Hey you." It isn't the best way to flag down the barkeep. Same goes for whistling or rapping your knuckles on the counter. Ask his or her name after receiving your first drink — and use it to make future orders. Or go with the more polite "excuse me," "pardon me" or, after making eye contact, discreetly point to your empty and say something like, "When you get a chance." Pet names like "sweetie," "darling" and "honey" are only acceptable if you are over the age of 60 or happen to be sleeping with the bartender.
Sucking face. Don't do it. If you're in a dark corner, at a booth, maybe a quickie is OK. But definitely refrain while seated at the bar, where the other patrons probably don't care to observe you shoving your tongue down someone's throat. And even if everyone is hooting and hollering, cheering you on like you're about to finish first at the New York City Marathon, in the end, you're still making a fool out of yourself.
Look for the next installment of Bar Etiquette in the near future.
This article appears in May 21-27, 2008.