A crystal ball flashed on my monitor. Madame Verla, online psychic, was granting an audience.
"Mr. Good, transmission from one of the damned. Should I put him through?"
"Another nut job from Hell? Why not?"
A grainy, red-hued close-up of a corpulent man filled my screen.
"Is this Joshua Bartholomew Good?"
"Yep."
"Enjoying your books? Jump Starting Your Failed Career and Spank Me, Please. Interesting reading."
"Hey, who are you?"
"J. Edgar Hoover, formerly of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Currently of the eighth level of Hades."
Oh, great. I was being spooked by the biggest spook of the last century. Still, he looked pretty good for a guy who had been dead 33 years.
"Nice dress. It matches your eyes," I said.
"Yeah, yeah. That's not why I called. I want you to know this Patriot Act has gone too far."
"You mean the law that lets the FBI monitor bank accounts, library records and Internet activity without a warrant?"
"Right."
"I thought you would love the Patriot Act."
"Sure, when I was alive. But now that I'm dead I have a new perspective. Turns out God was pretty serious about that no bearing false witness business. And He likes his privacy, too. Can you believe it? Well, that's why I'm in Hell. And now I'm trying to save some bureaucratic souls from suffering my fate. That's where you come in, Spanky. I decided to start at the bottom to get my message out. ."
"Thanks."
"You see, with all this fear about terrorism, the FBI can snoop around in anyone's business."
"How's that?"
"Well, let's take this Sami Al-Arian character right there in Tampa. Israelis say he's a terrorist. Fox News says he's a terrorist. That's good enough for Uncle Sam, so the FBI looks at the records for anyone who has any connection to Al-Arian. You've heard of six degrees of separation, right?"
"Yeah."
"You know Al-Arian visited President George W. Bush when Al-Arian was a professor at the University of South Florida, right? Bingo, the FBI can look at Bush's records. Nice bonus, being able to keep tabs on your boss. Those kinds of files helped me keep eight presidents in line.
"Let's see. Hmm," Hoover said, looking over a file. "Bush recently checked out What a Difference a Daddy Makes, Lord, How Will You Get Me Out of This Mess and Fun With String, A Collection of String Games."
"Anybody local in your files, there?"
"Sure. Plenty. Ronda Storms, Hillsborough County commissioner. Hmm. Says here she has never checked a book out of the library. Too busy worrying about what everyone else reads, I suppose.
"Here's Brian Blair's file. He's another Hillsborough commissioner, a former professional wrestler and the commission's chaplain. He recently checked out The Kingdom of God in America, God's Chosen People of America and Full Body Contact: Sexy, Sweaty Men of Sport."
"Any locals' Internet activity monitored under the Patriot Act?"
"Glad you asked," Hoover said. "Here's the file for John Fitzgibbons, defense attorney for junior high sex-ed teacher Debra Lafave. He visited www.hotforteacher.com, www.sexytutor.edu, and www.schoolmistresses.com."
"Legal research?"
"More like developing an unhealthy fetish."
"That's a cheap shot, Mr. Hoover. Fitzgibbons is a former federal prosecutor. He's one of you guys. And look who's talking about unhealthy fetishes."
"You don't get it. These files aren't about laughing at lawyers, solving crimes or even finding terrorists. The Patriot Act files are about power and leverage. If the FBI wants someone to talk, they'll have the power to make them talk. If the FBI wants a critic to shut up, the files can do that, too.
"In fact, if Al-Arian had agreed to be an informant, he wouldn't have been tried. He could have gone on teaching computer engineering during the week and screaming 'Death to Israel!' at his weekend fundraisers all he wanted. Long as he kept his FBI handler informed."
"But if the FBI fails to stop terrorism, won't people see they gave up their privacy for nothing?"
"Boy, you really are slow," Hoover growled. "The worse it gets, the more power people give to the government. A war on terror has no end. Like the war on drugs. More terrorism means more fear. And fear is what gives the FBI the Patriot Act.
"Listen, I'd like to tell you more but Richard Nixon is giving me the eye and wants to use the computer. I think he is going to Google Deep Throat again. Bye."
"Bye, Mr. Hoover."
Just to be clear, folks, this is satire; J. Edgar Hoover did not contact Josh Good from Hades, and the library rental records described above are purely imaginary. If you'd like to publish your own musings, fictional or non, send submissions to First Person Singular, David Warner, Weekly Planet, 810 N. Howard Ave., Tampa, FL 33606 or via e-mail to david.warner@weeklyplanet.com.
This article appears in Dec 7-13, 2005.