#1. Bush loses. Kerry inaugurated January 20. New administration moves into 1600 Pennsylvania only to find that Karl Rove has playfully ordered the K's stripped from all computer keyboards. And from all company names. And from all radio stations west of the Mississippi. And from all U.N. members. Especially those that failed to support the Coalition of the Somewhat Willing.
The Bush Administration having safely skedaddled out of town, the Kerry administration finds itself slapped with massive class-action suits by: nology, londike Ice Cream Bars, oda Cameras (they were doubly pissed), err-McGee, aterpillar (well, these are Bushies; it had a "k" sound), enya, azakhstan, South orea, North orea, yrgyzstan and ansas (for going with Kerry).
#2. Bush loses — but does he? In December, "terrorists" take out the Statue of Liberty, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and the Grand Canyon. As God's right hand, John Ashcroft, turning crimson in a tight collar, raises the terror level to "RED." Karl Rove announces that we all need to remain calm and that "he's in charge." Wolfowitz, Perle and Feith declare "illegal war" (which fortuitously does not require the consent of Congress) on Syria ("We know they're up to sumpin' …"), North Korea, Basilan Island (PI) and, just for the helluvit, France. Not to be outdone, the Supreme Court sets aside the results of the election and declares Bush has "a penumbra of squatter's rights" on the Oval Office. Ginsburg and Souter move to Brussels. Cheney surfaces from his you-know-where, sees his shadow, and curses us all with six months more of Bush. Bill O'Reilly replaces Colin Powell at Foggy Bottom. John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Hillary Clinton and Bill Maher are placed in "protective custody." They are denied contact with their attorneys, except Bill Maher who immediately retains his three cellmates. Ralph Nader says he told us so.
#3. Bush wins. Soros sues. Diebold holds a "delivered the vote" parade down Columbus, Ohio's main street. For an undisclosed sum, Cheney renames The Department of Energy "The People's Republic of Peak Oil." When it is pointed out that this is way too obvious and that even the American public isn't that preoccupied, Cheney quickly changes it to the more subtle "We're Doing What We Want To Do Dept." The Department of Defense hires architects to begin plans for the Lockheed Martin, Boeing, and Military-Industrial Complex wings of the Pentagon, renaming it The Octagon. Tom Delay passes legislation requiring Merriam-Webster to capitalize "Delay" as a tactic. Bush signs law designating May as "undisclosed" month and Saturday evening as "press release" day. Grover Norquist purchases a 24-carat gold bathtub in which to drown the government. Jeb Bush appoints Ann Coulter as Florida Supervisor of Elections. Shortly thereafter, she is hung in effigy. Putting a trifle more thought into it, they hang her for real.
#4. Bush impeached prior to election… for high crimes and misdemeanors (later changed to felonies for, among other things, the grand larceny of the 2000 election). After sitting on the story for 18 months, Matt Drudge finally has a myocardial ethics infarction and on Oct. 5, 2004, reveals to a stunned nation that he has unimpeachable evidence that Bush has been spending way too much time in the "Lobbyist's Closet" (formerly "Monica's Closet"). Despite Bush's vehement protestations that "I never did bidness with that man" (although he allowed as to how a cigar may have been employed), a hastily convened House subcommittee finds him guilty, guilty, sumbich guilty on all charges. The now disgraced ex-President is given tourist-class airfare back to Crawford and, like 2.4 million other felons, stripped of his civil right to vote, run for and/or hold public office, and seek any type of gainful employment requiring licensure by the state.
#5. Bush impeached after the election. Has a hissy-fit. Tells Ashcroft to come up with a "terrorism." Ashcroft complies. Bush declares "Marshall Field." When that turns out to be an anchor tenant at the Mall of America, Bush gets it right the second time around. For the balance of this scenario, see #2.
#6. Nader wins. Nation goes nuts. Lawsuits and recount demands in every statehouse and county seat. Conspiracy theories thick as cicadas. After vote is verified, Ralphy gets bizee.
1/21: Nader authorizes tax holiday for all hybrid and compact auto sales until further notice, and concomitant 10 percent "solipsist tax" on SUVs and Hummers. Two percent of solipsist tax earmarked for major psychological treatment of all those weak male egos.
1/22: All interim judicial appointments rescinded. Upon Scalia's impeachment for undue ranting and monumental hubris, coupled with the resignations of Byron White ("I finally caught a break!" he exults), and Clarence Thomas (who finally has a real brain fart from which he never recovers), Ralph nominates Alan Dershowitz, Johnnie Cochran and Aaron McGruder to the Supremes. On hearing the news, McGruder cleverly suggests to the public that they "Come see about me."
1/23: Head of Sierra Club nominated for Department of Interior chief … president of the A.M.A. signs on to run the Department of Health … Agriculture gets a Green activist … Sam Nunn comes out of retirement to reinvent Defense — and so on. Nader goes on to create the brand new Department of Globalization. At the helm of this freshly minted bureaucracy is George Soros who, upon being sworn in, folds all 873 of his foundations into the new department (giving him one sweet little write-off to average out over the next three years). Nader also sets up the Department of Transparency, whose first official act is to de-opacisize (say, you really can make 'em up as you go along!) all records marked off-limits, secret and re-classified secret (after being available to God and bin Laden for the past two years).
1/24: Ralph sets up a telemarketing center in the Oval Office … launches massive outreach to The Coalition of the Not At All Willing … proceeds to "de-privatize" the IMF and The World Bank.
1/25: Breathing heavily, Nader proposes to Congress that it get off its lame dead ass and create an "everybody in" national health care system, publicly-funded-only elections for all national and statewide offices, reform of campaign finance to get in sync with the actual Santa Clara County decision (not the damn headnotes), approve the Kyoto Accord and pay our back U.N. dues. After lunch …
1/26: Nader collapses from trying to do everything all at once. Vice President Dean fills in just before leaving on his visit to Southern Sudan with a small contingent of U.S. Marines to put a full stop to the impending genocide. V.P. Dean's only official act — the President regains his energy in jiffy time — is to nominate Dennis Kucinich to run Justice.
1/27: Ralph rests.
Nigel J. Watson is a St. Petersburg-based freelance writer.
This article appears in Oct 6-12, 2004.