I've put a real effort into deprogramming myself from the Cult of Celebrity. I reject the piles of glossy People magazines at the dentist's office. I try to ignore Access Hollywood. I don't watch Fox News. Why should I base my life around the fashions and styles of a movie or pop star whose opinion is only value due to the attention currently lavished upon him or her by a fickle, ignorant public?
Because they're the 21st century's version of royalty, that's why. And since I'm part of the modern bourgeoisie, I must necessarily care about Reese's hair, Britney's belly, Gwyneth's love life and Julia's favorite yoga instructor.
This is why I'm grateful to the people at Fametracker (the same brilliant pop culture commentators that bring us Televisionwithoutpity.com, formerly Mightybigtv.com), who put this whole celebullshit thing into perspective. Their oft-updated Web site features such amusing articles as the celeb "Fame Audit," where stars are rated according to both their current and deserved levels of fame (e.g., Jennifer Aniston, for example, is considered a "Julia Roberts" by society's standards, when in reality, she only deserves a "Valerie Harper" level of fame). Other regular features include: "Who's that Guy?" — short profiles of deserving character actors (look for the milk commercial guy Aaron Burr, who has since made the jump to feature films); and "2 Stars, 1 Slot," where actors battle for a niche market (Sarandon and Pfeiffer's struggle for the coveted position of "Sultry Moms" is my favorite). The "Galaxy of Fame" provides insight into the workings of the Hollywood Clique — who's spinning around the giant, glowing center of popularity and who's freezing on the celestial outskirts, a few light-seconds away from the obscurity of the Oort Cloud.
The abundance of snarky comments and Wall Street Journal-style line drawings may suggest creators with a little too much time on their hands, but, hey, if they didn't distill all the gossip rags and paparazzi pics into one droll yet cynical package, we'd be forced to get all our celebrity tidbits from Vanity Fair (the subject of one of Fametracker's latest articles). Perish the thought.
—Diana Peterfreund
This article appears in Jul 3-9, 2002.