Fun

BEST BEACH
Fort de Soto Park
At the south end of Pinellas Bayway
St. Petersburg 727-826-2484

Oh, man, it's gotten crowded the last few years, hasn't it? Well, short of increasing admission, it'll be hard to refer the hordes packing the sand at Fort de Soto back to Clearwater and Treasure Island. Particularly so in the winter, the shoulder is jammed with Winnebagos and SUVs with bikes affixed, and on any given Sunday the boat ramp parking lot looks like a boat trailer show. Fort de Soto has all the beach trappings — babes, beachcombing, muscle goons, dunes, 12-inch seacoast rifled mortars — right down to its fine, white sand. That's why it consistently lands in Conde Nast's list of Top 10 U.S. beaches year after year. Hell it's even got a historic fort for the little kids and old farts.

BEST EROTIC WEBSITE
www.nerve.com

Opening Nerve is not like opening a porn site; there's no blond succubus in candy-colored panties straddling an age-verification disclaimer. Neither is the site a prudish gathering of sentimental stories comparing genitalia to flowers. Nerve opens with a lush layout of forthright, topical content — photography, essays, personals, chat, fiction and poetry — that explores sex beyond the gymnastics and delivers intelligent smut via pixels and prose. Among the site's most charming features: the Photo of the Day, high-resolution images of above-average-looking models artistically enjoying themselves, so to speak; the Position of the Day, outlines of couples engaged in unique coital contortions; and the Personal of the Day, captioned photos introducing choice candidates for friendship, dating, serious relationships or perhaps just the nummy-nummy bedroom stuff. Nerve also puts out a namesake magazine, a print version of the site that can be found on most newsstands, and there are several Nerve books, including Full Frontal Fiction and Aqua Erotica, the latter a waterproof bathtub companion full of water-theme sex stories. "Think about sex," reads one of the site's banners. Do indeed.

BEST FIRST DATE
Dinner and a Movie at Channelside
Pop City and Regal Cinemas
615 Channelside Drive
Tampa
Regal Cinemas 813-221-0700
Pop City 813-229-2489

There's no sense in opposing the convention of the traditional first date: dinner and a movie. The only question is where to eat and what to see. The particulars of your meal and movie selection we leave to you, but in determining the location (location, location) of your date, there is a right way and a wrong way to go. Tampa's Channel District alongside Port of Tampa has blossomed of late into a veritable hub of entertainment spots (Ice Palace, Florida Aquarium), of which Pop City and Channelside Cinemas & IMAX are the most first-date friendly. The bonus with Channelside is the availability of valet and garage parking. Pop City is set up much like GameWorks in Ybor City — but if you're unfamiliar with either, Pop City and GameWorks provide one-stop night spots for playing games, having dinner and drinks and enjoying popular music. Pop City just takes it a step further in every category, offering three entertainment-specific venues: High Jinx, G. Elliott's and Elements. High Jinx offers insane games that are great for couples to play, such as hooping it up on their 2-on-2 basketball court, shooting pool on one of eight Brunswick billiards tables, playing air hockey, video games like Galaga and Ms. Pac-Man or taking on their rock-climbing wall. (Really there's no better way to analyze your date than to see what they look like in a rock-climbing harness.) G. Elliott's is an upscale restaurant with a casual atmosphere, a waterfront view, a great raw bar and excellent live bands after sunset. Lastly, Elements is a high-energy dance club, featuring state-of-the-art lighting and sound and a 1,200-square-foot dance floor. So as you can see, there's plenty to do with your date besides sit and talk about the weather. And once you're through with your dinner (and what have you) it's time to stroll over to Channelside Cinemas and catch your requisite movie. Channelside Cinemas shows the best in first-run indie films, and the 3-D IMAX theater shows awesome nature documentaries as well as Hollywood fare on its giant flat screen.

BEST LAST DATE
A Bottle of Champagne and a Hotel Room

Once you've broken up and returned each other's personal items, presuming the relationship lasted long enough to exchange or misplace such effects, it's appropriate to meet on neutral ground to say whatever last thing there is to be said and share whatever last desires there are to be shared. The hotel room is for neutrality, so no bad memories are revisited, due to familiar surroundings, so neither of you must clean up afterwards and so you may leave the room a mess, much like the affair. The bottle of champagne is to loosen you up and put you both in a celebratory mood, to celebrate the end of something, and so that you aren't too down about the relationship ending. Be sure to use protection so that there is no urgent need to ever see this person again. Ideal hotels are innocuous, anonymous and inexpensive but not cheap, of which there are many near the Tampa and St. Petersburg airports. There really is no better way to say goodbye to a relationship than to part with a hug and a kiss and disappear into the night in opposite directions of the interstate with planes passing overhead and infinite romantic possibilities awaiting.

BEST ACCIDENTAL POST CARD VIEW
Kmart Plaza
Florida Avenue between Bird Street and Waters Avenue
Tampa

We don't know why, but certain places contain an almost electric energy, a swirling, surreal ambiance. Sometimes this happens in the dirtiest, most mundane places. It's a pretty run-of-the-mill-looking strip. This mall is home to a Kmart, a Chinese restaurant, an Eckerd drug store, a record shop and a few empty storefronts. But there's something post-card beautiful about the western view, and what's more, it feels holy. This big-ass asphalt stretch of parking lot, almost always half-empty, reaches from Florida Avenue down and back to where Kmart sits at the bottom of the hill and it's like a runway to the heavens. This is where you would see a UFO. This is where the UFO people would beam you up to their ship. Maybe it's because we don't have a lot of wide-open vistas in Florida (as noted in Richard Ford's excellent story "Great Falls") but it feels like you're standing smack in the middle of God's country. Maybe it's because of the proximity of Sulphur Springs, where people used to congregate for the limpid waters and their purported restorative properties. Maybe it's because the people who shop at this Kmart look like they could use some serious religion, fast. There is an orphanesque sadness to these Kmart shoppers, who drive seriously clunky station wagons and vans that drip oil. On a Sunday evening, when the pace of commerce slows and things are quiet and rife with rich possibility, as they make their way to their parked car, if they would only look UP — their hurt, tired eyes scanning up from the UFO runway ramp that is the parking lot, up toward the light of the lowering sun, and the purple clouds luminescent and man oh man doesn't this moment contain it all, the necessary post card view, the view that tells you life is still here, you're still alive, right here in the naked, inglorious city.

BEST PLACE TO MAKE OUT
Davis Islands Park
Severn and Martinique avenues
Tampa

You're driving through South Tampa after the bars close with someone you've met a handful of times at the bar you've just left, and you want to talk and let things between you develop, but going back to either one of your places seems too forward, too predictable. So you try to think of somewhere to go, to talk and maybe, if things go well, share a few kisses, etc. You don't dare get ahead of yourself and imagine the etc., but you can't help thinking things between you might go beautifully. You take the bridge over to Davis Islands and idle past sleepy apartment houses and vacant storefront parking and through tree-shadowed neighborhoods until the trees end at a roundabout near the southern tip of the island. You pull into a grassy lot and park along the seawall looking out at Hillsborough Bay and the Davis Islands yacht club. Distant steam and exhaust rise over Tampa's port and industrial plants along the bay, and over your shoulder are the fenced-in landing strip and pulsing runway lights of Peter O. Knight Airport. You know this is the place to collect that kiss, first kisses being so elusive, and to follow it up with as many as you please. You know this because you can do almost anything in a parked car in a dark lot after driving around until the road ends at a seawall overlooking sail boats tied up in polluted, moonlit water, and all you want is a long kiss.

BEST LIBRARY
John F. Germany Public Library
900 N. Ashley Drive
Tampa 813-273-3652

The 140,000-square-foot flagship of the Tampa-Hillsborough Public Library System is the reference hub and resource center for all citizens of Hillsborough County. The Germany Library is arranged in four major subject departments: Arts & Letters, Business & Government, History & Genealogy and the Popular Library. The Germany Library also serves as the local branch library for the downtown area and surrounding communities by offering popular materials, such as bestsellers, music, videos, books-on-tape and more. There's a permanent art collection and rotating exhibits in the Art Gallery on 2 East, showcasing the works of local and regional artists. And book lovers can bargain hunt in Grover's Corners, the Friends of the Library Bookstore, located on 1 West.

BEST LONG WALK
Blockbuster
Locations throughout Tampa Bay

In listing one's favorite romantic outings, never buy into the long walk. Anyone who says, "I enjoy candlelit dinners and going for long walks," is a moron. Candles cost a buck at Wal-Mart, so if that does it for you, happy dining. But a long walk means walking over a mile, and walking a mile takes about 20 minutes, so you're looking at quite a while spent plodding along and supposedly getting to know one another. But anyone who says they enjoy long walks is probably full of other, similar lies like, "I like to cook fancy meals," and, "I believe in trust." The only people who like to cook fancy meals are chefs and grandmas. And no one ever says they believe in trust unless they've been cheated on. Long walks are for movie extras and people on medication. The only thing worse than someone saying they enjoy long walks is someone who says they enjoy long, moonlit walks on the beach. Walking on the beach is like walking uphill. Your feet slide a little with every step and there're all kinds of birds waiting to crap on you. Plus, at night you run the risk of getting mugged. So just disregard the notion that long walks are romantic. The only romantic long walk out there is up and down the isles at a Blockbuster. You can easily spend 20 minutes in Blockbuster. You can get to know one another through discussing video selections. You can go there at night without the risk of getting crapped on or mugged. And watching videos gets your date to snuggle up next to you on the couch. Can a long walk do that?

BEST VIEW OF TAMPA
Parking Garage Roof at Tampa International Airport
Tampa International Airport
5507 Spruce St.
Tampa 813-870-8700

You don't need to be flying anywhere to enjoy the view from the roof of the parking garage at TIA. You just have to pay $1 per 30 minutes in short-term parking. On a clear afternoon or evening you can see miles of familiar structures in distant miniature. The flatness of the city's landscape becomes apparent, as does the landscape's grayness, due to the abundance of pavement in the vicinity. Raymond James Stadium looms over Dale Mabry. The Bay dominates the southern horizon. And then there are the planes taking off and landing so near that you can count the passenger windows. Few people would actually consider it, but the roof of TIA's short-term parking garage also makes an excellent urban picnic spot.

BEST PLACE TO TRESPASS
Golf Courses at Night

We're not suggesting you try anything so audacious as grabbing a set of clubs and attempting to play a round of golf at night. No, that uses up too many flashlight batteries. Please believe there are much better ways of enjoying the numerous public and private golf courses that crisscross the subdivisions and green spaces of the Bay area. Going for a moonlit, barefoot walk with a sweetheart on the crisp, trim grass is one. Taking off your clothes and running through the sprinklers is another. Making out beside a manmade pond is yet another. Add to that having sex in the damp embankment of a quiet green. It's about time these monstrous playground lawns gave back to those of us who pay the high city and county water bills, while only a select few get to enjoy golf's artifice of nature. Indeed, if you're caught trespassing, simply put your clothes back on (or don't) and state your equal right to "drive" with your "long wood" and "balls" in the "rough."

BEST CHEAP THRILL
Gibsonton

As far as thrills go, Gibsonton is as cheap as they come. Better known as Showtown U.S.A., this oasis of oddity arose from the swamp 10 miles south of Tampa in the '30s, a sideshow wintering town that has been home to the likes of Percilla the Monkey Girl, the Anatomical Wonder, Melvin the Human Blockhead, the late Lobster Boy, Al the Giant (8 feet 4 and a half inches) and his wife, Half Girl (2 feet 6 inches). Possessing unique zoning laws that allow residents to keep exotic animals and circus trailers in their yards, Gibtown is little more than a sad stretch of trailers and convenience stores these days. Despite a 1995 episode of the X-Files filmed in town and a 2001 documentary, Gibtown, Gibsonton's residents and their professions are slowly fading from American culture. Visitors, however, can still get a thrill out of places like the Giant's Camp Cafe (renowned for its good food and bad waitresses) the post office (the only one with a counter for midgets) the Freak Animal Show (stuffed, two-headed goats and cows) and the Showtown Bar (recent refurbishment means less charm, but Patsy Cline is still queen of the karaoke set and Gibtown gossip still flows here). The International Independent Showmen's Federation trade show also pulls into town every February, showing off the latest high-tech carnival toys and rides.

BEST ELVIS SIGHTING
Weekly Planet Accounting Office
1310 E. Ninth Ave.
Tampa 813-248-8888

Go ahead, hang out at 7-Eleven or the dog track or even Squaresville if you like. You might get lucky. But there's only one place we know of where Elvis can be seen daily, gyrating those famous hips and looking as handsome as ever. And that's right next to the desk of Weekly Planet accountant Shirley Lane. A life-size cutout of the King takes pride of place in the office, gazing lovingly at the accounting staff as they stroke their 10-keys. Lane saw the man himself in concert while living in Texas back in '76, shortly before his death. "My husband was in the military, so we moved around a lot," says Lane. "Texas was the only place I was able to see him. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't gotten to see that show." A friendly, quiet, 50-something women, Lane doesn't seem like the typical, pelvis-obsessed Elvis fan. At first glance, one might suspect she spends her off time baking cookies and darning socks, perhaps with a little Mancini in the background. But we know better. Shirley Lane, we salute you for being the Blue Suede sister you are. (And extra points for scaring the hell out of everyone as they catch the King in their peripheral while zooming past your office.)

BEST TOURIST TRAP
Dodecanese Boulevard
Tarpon Springs

Why spend your hard-earned dough at a single theme park when a whole town is waiting to take it? Ah, Tarpon Springs: so quaint, so friendly — so cheesy. Get away from all the claptrap and you'll find dozens of worthy antique and gift stores. Wander down to the docks on Dodecanese Boulevard, and it's Souvenir Central. If you've got an afternoon to spare, you'll find no finer Greek food than that served at gems like Hella's, Pappas' and Mr. Souvlaki (and we think it's actually a misdemeanor to go home without pastry; we'll get back to you on that). But almost every other business on the strip is filled with the kind of stuff you're bound to wonder why you bought after the baklava high wears off. Do us a favor and don't miss the free Sponge Diving Museum (in the Sponge Factory). Behind grimy glass you'll find eerily menacing dioramas depicting every aspect of Tarpon's sponge history, including one straight out of every diver's worst nightmare. Next to a sign warning that sponge diving is "probably most dangerous occupation in United States" is a macabre tableau the likes of which would make Jacques Cousteau take a desk job. Or at the very least make the kiddies cry.

BEST EXCUSE FOR BEING LATE FOR WORK
Road Construction

It doesn't matter whether you live in Pinellas, Hillsborough or B.F.E., chances are you've faced some heavy construction delays in the last year. With every major interstate in the area undergoing some sort of development and the endless I-4 repairs, it doesn't seem like this excuse is ever going to wear thin in the Bay area. So sleep in late, enjoy your breakfast and when you show up to work around 10 a.m., rest assured no one will question you too much.

BEST GALLERY IN A PARKING GARAGE
Rogue Gallery
Centro Ybor Parking Garage

15th Street and Fifth Avenue
Ybor City 813-242-5483

The next time you park your ride in the Centro garage, take a walk by the office next to the ticket booths on the 15th Street side and peek in the window. On one wall you'll see a large corkboard with the words "Rogue Gallery" in a nondescript stencil. The most amusing thing we've seen in a while, this "gallery" features only one medium: photography. What are the photos of? The mugs of those people so dastardly or destructive or vile that their tires may never again roll into this structure. And how, pray tell, does one become a permanent member of this mug-shot showcase? Fighting, breaking signs or fixtures, tampering with vehicles or elevators, taking a furtive piss against the walls … you name it. Kinda puts a whole new spin on the phrase "suffering for your art."

BEST PUBLIC RESTROOM
Tampa Theatre
711 Franklin St.

Tampa 813-274-8286

What does one look for in a public restroom? Seeing how it is, after all, public, lots of toilet paper and an industrial-size can of Glade are pretty much all you can hope for. Enough room to turn around would be nice, as would a comfy place to sit. And it's for these latter two reasons that Tampa Theatre is our favorite place to take care of business. The theater's bathrooms, or parlors, are decorated in the same elegant/garish style as the rest of the building. Both sets of parlors, upstairs and down, boast sitting rooms with medieval-looking chairs and fancy settees that make you feel like you're waiting for an audience with the queen, rather than awaiting your turn on the porcelain throne. The stalls themselves leave ample maneuvering space, and the toilet paper-holder isn't affixed to the wall so as to gouge your leg as you do your doody. The kids' toilets, of course, are the piece de resistance. Don't know if this is a problem in the men's bathrooms, but as for the women's — most chicks would rather risk a ruptured bladder than cop a squat a mere 12-inches off the floor. Our advice: Squat, ladies … embrace your inner potty-training child and fear not the mini-toilet.

BEST TRAFFIC SCHOOL
License to Laugh
Locations throughout Hillsborough
and Pinellas counties
727-588-3386

We know what you're thinking, Best Traffic School's like saying "Best Corner to Lick Ass On," as in, uh, NO SUCH CORNER! But as far as legal and insurance obligations go, License to Laugh is more entertaining than you would think anything government regulated could be. Oh sure, they try to make it exceptionally boring, akin to a four-hour sentence complete with archaic snooze-video. But host Rick Bronson — ex-stand-up comedian, acting school graduate, bartender-turned-family-man who does a mean impersonation of Don Knotts and everybody's favorite wasted-guy-about-to-puke — makes it seem like only three-and-a-half hours. The evening is interspersed with visual aids featuring the Jetsons and the South Park crew (with a cameo by Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo).

BEST GAS STATION HANGOUT
Shell
Florida and Waters avenue
Tampa

We extended our hand, receiving the brown, wrinkled paper bag as a communion wafer or a crisp $20 from someone we've put the touch on. It was like Steve McQueen in the epic film Papillon, the scene when he's escaped the French Guyana prison colony only to land at an island leper colony, where he seeks aid and, as some sort of test, is offered and accepts a drag from a leper's cigar. In a word: Ick. "How did you know I have dry leprosy?" the man asks McQueen, acting as though to say, were the tables turned, he wouldn't have trusted the other enough to smoke after him. "I didn't," replies the ever-tough McQueen. Well, ever-tough until cancer got him — in real life that is. In the film, Papillon rafts his way off of Devil's Island. A real bad ass. Speaking of real life, there is this strange gathering point on the side of this Shell station on the southeast corner of Florida and Waters avenues. While not the equivalent of a leper's colony — the only islands around here have gas pumps on them —sharing tobacco products and FDA-registered items with these strangers might land you some unwanted bacteria, viruses, germs, cooties. Our lead was just a literary device. Nothing personal, see. Mere cowardice and compulsive cleanliness on our part. Besides, McQueen (presumably) never smoked after an actual leper, and likewise we never actually accepted a brown paper bag at this hangout on the side of the Shell station at the intersection of Florida and Waters, where dusky nights find sociable sorts sitting on chairs and benches on the south side of the building. They don't appear to be bothering anyone. Usually there's a bike or two leaning against the wall. Sometimes the kickstands work, but we don't get the feeling many of these guys do.

BEST ONLINE ZINE
Corporate Motherfucker
http://www.corporatemofo.com

Let's face it: Even though it sucks worse then a Macarena revival, we sell our sweet asses to The Man on a daily basis. But you don't have to be a corporate whore. Instead, you could be a corporate motherfucker. Loaded with articles for those of us tattooed under the tie, www.corporatemofo.com is written by and for anyone still wandering the Free-Range Cubicle Farms. Politics, tips on dating your boss, and just about anything else under flickering illumination is covered in a plethora of categories. Hell, you can even proclaim your corporate mofo status by purchasing a T-shirt (for Casual Friday, of course). We're sure that'll go over huge. And then, if you suddenly find yourself unemployed but no longer reeking of fluorescence, maybe the CorporateMofo mission statement will make you feel a little better: "Because they don't own your soul … yet."

BEST PLACE TO MEET YOUR PERSONAL AD DATE
The Mall

The best place to meet someone for the first time is somewhere both of you are comfortable, so we recommend discussing this and coming up with a suitable venue. But please allow us to make a suggestion: the mall. Malls are designed based on the results of numerous test groups and surveys, and are geared entirely toward putting people at ease. Perhaps the only stressful thing about going to the mall is shopping, but see, you're not shopping. You could shop, say, if you wanted to pick out something nice for your date. Rather, you're there to enjoy the air conditioning and observe the irony of shopping without shopping. Additional mall benefits are as follows: the food court, Muzak, lots of other couples to comment on, an array of excellent excuses for not maintaining constant eye contact with this near stranger and ample, if not always convenient, parking.

BEST PERSONAL AD
'MBM Looking for MWF for Mutual Satisfaction'
WP's Wilder Side (March 15-21)

Those of you who get a laugh out of looking at the back of the paper have no doubt seen all manner of personal ads there. There's the purple prose: "seeking someone who puts butterflies in my stomach" (retch!); the annoyingly witty: "I'll put the magic back in your carpet"; the predictable: "enjoy quiet nights by the fire and walks on the beach, blah-blah-blah"; and the less typical "spank-me-baby" threesome and foursome action. People seeking love and sex seem, on one extreme, to act like they're ordering a slab of meat, stating size, weight, height and proportion requirements, and on the other, behave as if they're solving the problems of a cruel universe, pursuing a life partner, or better yet, soulmate. This is why you gotta love the straightforward, no-nonsense approach of a married black man looking for a married white woman "for mutual satisfaction. Must be clean, discreet and ready to be pleasured. No games, just sticking and licking."

BEST TEST DRIVE
A Hummer at Reeves Import Motor Cars
11333 Florida Ave. N
Tampa 813-933-2811

As test-drive hobbyists undoubtedly know, the avocation can be frustrating. First, you don't get to take the car home. You can't afford it. And what's the fun in test-driving 1993 Subarus? So you go for a thrill ride in a Porsche 911 Turbo, all the while scared you might get that ticket for going 110 in a 35. Or you drive a Bentley, shutting out the world for a few minutes, but the thing doesn't really perform and — shudder to think — what if it gets dinged while you're behind the wheel. That's 10 grand right there; you'll be shopping for new insurance at a place called Fred's Casualty and Collision. For the unfettered test drive that's pure fun in its own right, you gotta get to Reeves and try out a Hummer. You still can't afford it — they cost a hundred K — but at least you get to wind this beast through an obstacle course. Really. Out behind the showroom, the dealership lets you drive the Hummer over huge concrete curbs; through 30 inches of water; tip the thing up a 40-degree embankment; and other truly amazing stunts. There is no denying that this military vehicle (available with air, CD player and other amenities) is the ultimate SUV and off-road toy. And then you take it out on the street and damn if the hoss doesn't ride pretty damn smooth — not like a Bentley, mind you, but not like a dumptruck either.

BEST PLACE TO EAVESDROP
Iavarone's Steak House
3617 W. Humphrey St.
Tampa 813-932-5241

You're sitting in the weird converted porch/vestibule area at Iavarone's. You're waiting, waiting, waaaaaaaaaiting for a table — two adults and a high chair. Apparently, this odd number presents a problem to the seating coordinator. You sit so long you can feel your ass getting impacted into your stomach, which is eating away at itself and will soon begin dining on your ass. This is getting serious. You consider the ways to expedite the process so the rest of your body can eat. Money? Threats? Whining? Begging? You're too hungry to move a fast-atrophying muscle, and the window tint darkens your view to the outside world, and the long porch/vestibule starts to feel like a stalled bus or the payload section of the space shuttle during training exercises: You're not moving, but the rest of the world is. Teams of babes in tight miniskirts and shirts so tight they threaten to pop the lab-constructed breasts through the front door, scarcely notice you and yours as they open the doors to the inner dining sanctum and get seated ahead of you and your family. Guys in tacky but expensive suits and aging couples and more babes walk by. Exiting as they enter are guys in white dress shirts and middle-aged implantees racing for the vestibule or the outdoors, cell phones pressed to their ears. Topics run from the mundane to the arcane, but half the fun is trying to figure out what the hell the person on the other end, the one you can't hear, is saying. Once you get inside, and your ass straightens itself out and you get some bread, you can eavesdrop on all the quasi-goodfellas working the room, ogle the bimbettes and listen to the conversations. Try not to stare at the nouveau riche. The best conversations are probably going on in that back dining room they never seat you in — the inner-inner sanctum — but just be happy with your seat, your bread and the TV-mom-like hottie in the next booth, who is flirting on a cell phone while her younger date (in glasses that are supposed to make him look smart) squints slackjawed at the menu.

BEST PLACE TO GET HIT BY A SPONGE TRUCK
Pinellas Trail and Tarpon Avenue
Tarpon Springs

With almost as much traffic as Spring Bayou on Epiphany, the Pinellas Trail where it intersects Tarpon Avenue can be sorta dangerous to cross. You feel a little bit like a wildebeest trying to cross an African river. Many get through, but those crocs always manage to pick off one goggle-eyed little wildebeest. They're wily. They're hungry. Proceed with caution.

BEST PINELLAS COUNTY HISTORIC STREET
Florida Avenue
Historic Palm Harbor

Historic Palm Harbor is as rich in history as it is in essence. Structures more than 100 years old line the road, and trees that seem to perpetually sway surround you with the secrets of the whispering winds. A new age bookstore stands on the corner, which may support rumors that Palm Harbor has a large concentration of witches. While the men get haircuts at the Palm Harbor Barber Shop for an unheard of $5, ladies can jaunt across the street to the tiny hardware store to get those pesky extra keys made. The florist shop is always a friendly stop, and the Sutherland Cafe and Shops boast culinary and decorating delights. The Cafe is famous for its eclectic food, rich ambiance and various wine dinners. The site of several art and craft shows each year, this antiquated street is a plethora of culture, history and style. BEST NOW SPORTUltimate Frisbee The flying discs are no longer just for flinging around the quad or at an outdoor concert. Ultimate Frisbee is a real, honest-to-goodness, bust-your-ass, gotta-have-skills sport. Oh, the smell of patchouli or the sound of the Dead probably won't be far off, but with "Ultimate" you keep score. Winner. Loser. The game is played on a swatch of grass about the size of a football field. The basic object is to catch a pass from a teammate in an end zone while being defended by the opposing team. Ultimate Frisbee combines the footwork, moves and in-air artistry of basketball with the long patterns of football and the field strategy of soccer — an oversimplification, yes, but you get the idea. Local players are always open to new participants. Beware, though, this is not a breathe-easy sport. You either have to be in shape or you'll quickly get in shape. For information on clubs, leagues and such, check out www.bayareaultimate.com.

BEST FATHER-SON FISHING CHARTER
Reel Deal
25 Causeway Blvd., Slip 31
Clearwater Beach Municipal Marina
Clearwater 727-430-1798

Welcome aboard the Reel Deal. Capt. Bob Hamilton has been fishing the Gulf for more than 25 years. As a Grandpa and veteran of tournament fishing, the versatile Capt. Bob can accommodate beginning worm-throwers to tournament anglers. His custom 34-foot Express Sport Fisherman is pushed by a 465-horse Vanmar diesel and comfortably rigged for up to six fisherpeople. Whether you're looking to troll for some smoker kings or bottom-fish for some big, black groupers, Capt. Bob and son-in-law Chris Hiles are the guys you'll want to do it with. They're highly knowledgeable and very easy-going: the perfect combo for a great day on the seas. But if you hear one of the co-captains yell "fish on" your arm better start swinging, fast. Four- to 12-hour trips are available and the Reel Deal will suit you with all necessary equipment; just pack your eats and drinks. Libations OK.

BEST INDOOR ADVENTURE
Vertical Ventures
5402 Pioneer Park Blvd., Suite E
Tampa 813-884-ROCK (7625)

Feel this place. We associate the atmosphere of Vertical Ventures with that of a cycling class, but chiller. Giant fans whisk away stress, pumpin' music drowns out your worries and climbers savagely feed off each other's energy. The folks at Vertical Ventures say that climbing is all about the individual. The challenges are yours and yours alone to conquer. "It gets in your head," says staffer Joshua Keal. "You lie in bed at night thinking how can I manipulate my body to get through that route." Top roping or bouldering this 6000-square-foot facility presents endless challenges and full-body workouts for beginners and experts. Wednesday nights offer half-price climb time to all ladies and the same goes for college students every Tuesday. Kid and adult party packages are offered for all your birthday needs. Shoes and harnesses are available to rent, but the accomplishment is yours to own. Rock on.

BEST CAMPING AND HIKING
Hillsborough River State Park
15402 U.S. 301 N.
Thonotosassa 813-987-6771

The Hillsborough River isn't all diesel fuel and abandoned shopping carts. It's pretty nice if you go up far enough. The state park straddles the river as it bends around the outskirts of the oft mispronounced city of Thonotosassa, with camping and concessions on one side of the river, and miles of secluded hiking trails on the other. Even for a day trip the park is worth the drive, with raw nature and Hillsborough River at its cleanest. But the real fun comes with camping. The hiking trails are perfect for a midnight jaunt into complete darkness. Cross the suspension bridge, swaying with every step. Wander into the woods and try to tell yourself you're not afraid of the dark: Pretty soon you'll start to wonder, where exactly do alligators go at night, and are there really wolves, like the park ranger said? The next morning, if you wake up early enough and you're willing to walk down to the pool, you can see something really creepy. Many times, this is where the vultures come to scavenge the picnic area and sun themselves by the pool. If the day before was wet, dozens of vultures will come out in the morning to spread their wings along the edge of the pool. It's a hell of a sight. And yes, there really are wolves in the park.

BEST GUERRILLA SKATE SPOT
Riverfront Park
1001 N. Boulevard
Tampa 813-259-1610

For perhaps the first time in the many years we've run this category, this year's winner is not a total bust, unlike, for instance, one-time winner Downtown Tampa. There cops will hand you a ticket or put the cuffs on you just for show. That's what happened to Skatepark of Tampa manager Ryan Clements this year when he and some kids were sessioning the bricks on Franklin Street Mall. Yes, despite the stickers and T-shirts proclaiming otherwise, skateboarding is a crime — at least downtown. Clements' advice is to cruise through rather than repeatedly hit the same spot. Or you could just go to Riverfront Park, affectionately called "Ghetto Park" by skaters, which is kind of hard to miss in its prime location surrounded by UT, the river, I-275 and housing projects. Industrious skaters have patched the missing bricks on one volcano-shaped bank and built a funbox with angle iron on one side, perfect for grinding and sliding. Throw in glass-smooth basketball courts, ice-slick steel benches and functioning water fountains, and this is not your average afternoon in the park.

BEST GYM YMCA
110 E. Palm Ave.
Tampa 813-229-9622

You like your gym to have a lot of slinky leotards and tank-tops on sleek bodies? You like seas of ripped abs, cut arms, shoulders and chests, perfect makeup and coifs? You like state-of-the-art equipment, so space age that, hell, you barely have to exercise at all? Man, have we not got a gym for you. The Palm Avenue Y is straight-up real. You can go there in rags and sweat your ass off. But because it lacks certain amenities does not mean you can't get an ace workout. The Y's selection of exercise gear is solid — although it's good if you use at least some free weights. While not what you'd call spacious, the facility has plenty of room to navigate around other members. And very seldom do you have to wait to use a piece of equipment (although they could use a few more elliptical aerobic machines; those you gotta wait for). Maybe best of all, the gym is an unpretentious, friendly place with a multi-ethnic clientele. There may be some very large men making a lot of noise lifting enormous amounts of weight, but somehow it's not intimidating. These guys are always quick with an exercise tip or to help spot you on a set. On most days, working out at the Palm Avenue Y is like sweating with friends in the garage.

BEST SKATEBOARD PARK
Skatepark of Tampa
4215 E. Columbus Drive

Tampa 813-621-6793

How many skatepark owners do you think have a trick named after them? I'll tell you: one. Brian Schaefer, albeit it's a trick with a sort of a negative connotation: The McSchaefer. His "trick" came when he attempted, side by side with pros at the 2001 Pro Contest, to make it 'round a 360-degree loop. On a skateboard. Problem was, he fell off the skateboard and busted his head and hand in the process. Like everything Schaefer does, it probably only garnered him more respect. Think of it: How many skatepark owners do you think would even consider attempting a 360-degree loop? Few of the fat-asses who own parks would know a pivot bushing from a riser pad. All these corporate raiders know is the siren song of cash. A little-known fact outside the skateboard world is that of the myriad parks that have popped up the last few years, Skatepark of Tampa, which is fast approaching the ripe old age of one decade, is considered to be one of the best. No small feat in the skateboard industry. SPOT's am and pro contests are the premier events of the skateboard world (you didn't really believe it was the X Games, did you?) and draw skaters from California, Brazil, Europe. Yes. They come here. To Tampa. They do. To Columbus Drive. East of Ybor. No man's — you get the idea. Why? To skate with skaters at a park owned by skaters. It's a pure and rare thing. All we can say is hell yeah, and whatever yous guys is doing, keep doing it. (Confidential to Ed Turanchik: You want the Olympics in Tampa? You might want to give park manager/consultant Ryan Clements a call. He charges the mighty sum of $100 an hour for diffusin' the knowledge, but it'll be the best money you ever spent.)

BEST INLINE SKATING SPOT
Pinellas Trail
Dunedin and Palm Harbor
Between Beltrees Avenue in Dunedin and Alderman Road in Palm Harbor
Both west of Alt. U.S. 19

Appreciating your surroundings on the Pinellas Trail is an exercise in taking in the subtleties of our area's beauty. It involves peering beyond the green blur of trees and shrubs and spotting individual plants, flowers and deciduous trees that border the pavement; it's noticing not only the roofs of tract houses beyond the fences but eavesdropping on the nuances of middle-class family life. But along with these quiet pleasures exist fun diversions and some breathtaking scenery — and fresh Gulf breezes. These sources of bonus stimuli can be found in concentrated amounts in Dunedin and Palm Harbor. First off, you've got quaint Downtown Dunedin's Main Street intersecting the trail. Just south of Main is a handful of antique shops and north of it are Cafe Alfresco, a semi-posh little fresh-air restaurant, and Painted Fish Gallery. Skate off the trail and wander to Kelly's … for Just About Anything, 319 W. Main St., west of the trail, for less conventional cuisine and ambiance. North of Downtown Dunedin you'll find, on the right, majestic palm trees and the quaint old-Florida surroundings of Hammock Park; views of the Gulf beckon on the left. As you leave Dunedin and head into Palm Harbor, the greenery becomes more lush, with some small rises in elevation that offer mini-panoramas.

BEST COMEDY CLUB
The Improv Comedy Theater and Restaurant
1600 E. Eighth Ave.
Ybor City 813-864-4000

They said it would never happen, but after years of perseverance and a "never say die" attitude, Joey McIntyre released a new album. Oh yeah, and the Improv upset Side Splitters' four-out-of-five-year run for Best Comedy Club. The comedy giant set up shop in Central Evil less than a year ago, but they've already brought in a ton of highfalutin' acts. Kevin Pollak, Richard Lewis, Jackie Mason, Bobby Slayton, John Pinette, D.L. Hughley, Gary Valentine, Jeff Dunham and Christopher Titus have been just the tip of the 'berg. Sure, you may occasionally suffer through some mediocre acts (Pauly Shore, anyone?) but for the most part, Improv is the place for the last laugh. Plus, the competition's been good for Side Splitters' soul: The dethroned club has noticeably spiced up its own lineup. This could get interesting. www.tampaimprov.com

BEST OXYGEN BAR Joffrey's Coffee Co. 1616 Seventh Ave. E. Ybor City 813-248-5282

As you approach the bar, your mind fills with images from old sci-fi movies as you eye the stainless-steel counter laden with tubes of colorful, bubbling liquid. You observe with trepidation the people perched on stools, hoses tucked into their nostrils. You pause, torn. Should I? I don't know; it looks so silly. Ah well … it's only seven bucks. What's the harm? Next thing you know, you're strapping yourself in for your first oxygen ride. And you're not alone. Mere minutes after 9 p.m. on a Friday: At the weekend oxygen bar in Joffrey's-Ybor a waiting list is already forming. With rejuvenating benefits rumored to affect everything from your hair to skin to attitude, most of us can't afford not to try it. And Joffrey's is the perfect place; a comfy-casual coffeehouse brimming with good energy in its own right. With the added benefit of aromatherapy — featuring such aromas as vanilla, jasmine and the more exotic "Nirvana" (lavender, balsam and fir needle) — you'll become a nose-hose-toting regular in no time.

BEST PUB
New World Brewery
1313 E. Eighth Ave.
Tampa 813-248-4969

Pull up a chair at one of the outdoor patio tables or find a stool at the bar. This hearth-warm, hangar-like bar is a welcome respite from the world of deadlines and traffic. It is the New World, a world of cold drafts in steins and globe decor and a mural painted on the floor. What a world it is. Beers served include Hoegaarden, Bass, Guiness, Corona, Red Stripe, Framboise and many more. There are $5 liters on Tuesdays, which is currently a no-cover DJ night. New World's quite a popular venue to see indie bands, and the floor space can get rather hectic once the guitar amps are flicked on. The main draws of this pub are the $2, $2.50 and $3 bottles and pints of the aforementioned, glorious beers.

BEST KARAOKE NIGHT
'Skary-oke' at Emerald Bar Last Thursday of the month 550 Central Ave. St. Petersburg 727-898-6054

Hosted by beloved bartender Moe Gerow and karaoke emcee Roger Hicks, this evening of sing-along is ideal for people who enjoy some good vocal performances along with hammy bad ones. Hicks is a hoot with his orange foam cowboy hat and tuxedo shirt. He holds up a big yellow poster with thick black print that reads, "Quit your day job!" on one side and "Yeah!" on the other. Interesting side note about Hicks: His business card reads, "Karaoke and Lawn Service." A true Renaissance man. While folks sing, he pantomimes and offers up kooky gestures to enhance drunken renditions. The crowd is an interesting mix of 20- and 30-something hipsters and middle-aged to elderly cheap-boozehounds. The night got the name "skary-oke" because it was downright scary how bad the participants were, but some real singers have trickled in, adding class to the wood-paneled, anachronistic dive bar.

BEST BARTENDER
Moe Gerow at The Emerald
550 Central Ave.
St. Petersburg 727-898-6054

Moe dispenses cheap beer, strong drinks, sass and material for every old wino's fantasies at downtown St. Pete's venerable Emerald. Bets are made concerning what color her hair will be each night. She is undoubtedly addressed by the name of her twin sister, Chrissy, also a hell of a bartender, with infuriating frequency, though not as often as when they worked at the State together. Two years ago, the Emerald was hardly more than a harbor for retirees and homeless people, a place to grab a quick bevvie before the gates opened at Jannus Landing. In the wake of some very successful parties thrown by the ladies of that hip-warehouse Star Booty, the bar started booking local bands, and has become a prominent stop — like Mastry's or The Garden — on the hangout circuit. And at some point, Moe migrated from one side of the bar to the other, where she slings drafts and good-natured vitriol while The Crippled Masters play, or some poor soul provides the rest with a good laugh during the last Thursday of the month's new "skary-oke" endeavor (see Best Karaoke).

BEST PLACE TO COP A FEEL
The Masquerade's Foam Party
The Masquerade
1503 E. Seventh Ave.
Tampa 813-247-3319

This has been the Summer of Foam at the Masquerade, with their famous foam party every Sunday night. Doors open at 10 p.m., and everyone dances their asses off in 6 feet of foam. With so much bumpin' and grindin' goin' on, it might make sense if the foam whipping about the dance floor were contraceptive, but we hope people are holding off on the heavy stuff until they get home. You see, there's something about not being able to see through the foam — not being able to make out the hands that grope and caress — that greatly reduces inhibitions and moves you to body rock with someone you barely know. This feeling is further greased by the $2 drink specials and the pulse of contemporary dance music.

BEST BAR TO MEET GIRLS WHO AREN'T HOOTCHIE MAMAS
Chatterbox
709 S. Howard Ave.
Tampa 813-251-3628

The patrons of this comfortable corner bar are young professionals who have things on their mind and not a lot of time and who aren't interested in what's going on in Ybor's nightclubs. They don't want to pay a cover. They don't want to compete for parking. They don't want to watch four sports on 10 TVs. They just want cold beer and strong cocktails and a lot of floor space wherein to mingle and hold forth on personal interests with their peeps, without their conversations being drowned out by a DJ or a lousy cover band. The clubs can keep their foam parties and body shots because this bar has a jukebox and pool tables, and to require more than that is to be unreasonable. Likewise, the clubs can keep the waifish adolescent girls wearing bleach-streaked hair, halters that reveal pale paunches and skirts that are black but not the right black to match their platforms. This bar has thoughtful young women who dress down but not out, neatly fitted in knee-length skirts, jeans and relaxed what-have-you. These girls don't act out or act up or put on airs. If that's the kind of girl you like, than the Chatterbox is the place to go.

BEST PICKUP LINE
You must hear a lot of bad pickup lines'

Hitting it off with someone on an airplane, where seat numbers rest you intimately beside nervous parties for the duration of your flight, takes little more than proper hygiene and good fold-down table manners. Unfortunately, seats are assigned without taking your romantic preferences into consideration, and most of us fly about as frequently as penguins. Thus, man has created pickup lines, buffoonish watering-hole come-ons that date back to the Neolithic, to history's first recorded pickup line: "Do you gather here often?" Exactly how these tacky, trite, Henny Youngman-eqsue attempts at the suave have endured — thrived even, during the 1970s — is simple: People still fall for them, especially when they're drunk. That said, here are some of the more original pickup lines out there: "What's a bad girl like you doing in a nice place like this?" "You remind me of my first grade teacher." "Mind if I stand here and stare at you when you're not looking?" "You know, your hair color coordinates with my bed sheets." "Your underwear's showing. Oh, wait. That's my imagination."

BEST OPEN MIC
Beaux Arts Gallery and Open Mic Coffeehouse
2635 Central Ave.
St. Petersburg 727-328-0702

First, we must preface this category by stating the open mic scene in Tampa Bay is achingly sad. Now please — please don't misunderstand, we're still happy about the large number of places with wordsmithing going on, and we encourage more to start. But the quality of work most often heard is enough to make one shove sharpened No. 2 pencils through one's ear, thereby damaging one's ear drum and rendering oneself deaf to the silly/scary/slow/sugary/just-plain-bad poetry being foisted upon one 'round town. Given that we know, and indeed have seen proof of, excellent local prose grinders, we're assuming the talent is either A.) hiding because they don't truly understand the depth of their talent, or B.) purposely skipping the bard beats because they know they're good and can't stand the thought of their well-metered verse mixing with the common man's mediocre musings. Second, regardless of the degree of talent in the current poetry pool, huge props must go out to any group which has managed to stay open for longer than a year, most notably the Subterranean Digs folks, Sanman's Pure Poets Society and the talented Diana Browning's Poetry on the Edge (which turned two last month). The leader of the pack, however, with 50-plus years of spoken word support, is Thomas Reese, owner and ever-gracious host of Beaux Arts Saturday Night Open Mic. Here, too, the brave readers could stand to take a class or two, but Thomas is right there, spurring them on all the way. Surrounding by eclectic paintings, darling hand-woven afghans on the couches and the same four walls that have in times past housed Jack Kerouac, Jim Morrison and other writing luminaries, one can't help but be inspired. And that gives Beaux Arts patrons a decided advantage.

BEST JUKEBOX
Tiny Tap Tavern
2105 W. Morrison Ave.
Tampa 813-258-5212

This lonesome, crowded bar is perhaps best known for its no-nonsense, no-frills atmosphere. Tiny Tap always seems full, due to its humble dimensions. Once a gas station, the 40-year-old establishment serves cheap drafts to an indiscriminate assortment of folks. The bar's main attractions include cheap drafts, foosball, two felt-worn pool tables and a jukebox with a first-rate song selection. The tunes run from classic rock to new wave to blues to country to alternative, anything and everything you'd want to hear in a puny, downtown watering hole. It's probably fair to say that the bar staff doesn't see many quarters left as tips.

BEST PLACE TO PEOPLE WATCH
Tampa Greyhound Track
8300 N. Nebraska Ave.
Tampa 813-932-4313

Pari-mutuels offer an outstanding array of characters and their assorted dramas. A good seat at the clubhouse window gets you a great view of the dog track, the folks in the grandstand up against the track's railing and everyone seated in the tiered restaurant. There are also private booths in the recesses of the clubhouse, outfitted with TVs built into the cocktail tables. From both spots, you can discreetly witness the sighs and groans and very rare hoorays that accompany live races and off-track betting. Highlights of an evening at the track include seeing the dogs themselves and overhearing some sap's philosophy on the relationship between luck and a dog's name. Tampa Greyhound Track includes a card room, a buffet every Friday and Saturday and year-round simulcast of the following: greyhounds, thoroughbreds, harness, and jai-alai. Admission costs $1 to the grandstand, $2.50 to the clubhouse. General parking is free, $3 for valet.

BEST EUPHEMISMS FOR COITUS

In honor of the past year's events, we'd like to offer up some new ways of getting screwed:

… Push, push in the G.W. Bush
… Drill for oil in my gulf
… Legalize my weed
… Milk my taxpayer
… Enter my judge's chamber
… Stuff the ballot box
… Punch my chad
… Bribe my Olympic Committee
… Do the Olympic torch relay
… Lobby Mayor Dick
… End my love drought
… I'm the chum. You're the Shark.

This article appears in Sep 20-26, 2001.