Savage Love
For some reason, I have always found Native Americans to be sexually attractive. But the whole semidark skin and traditional breechcloth thing doesn't seem to be easy to find in porn or real life. I was wondering if you had some pointers for someone with a bad case of Native American Jungle Fever. There seems to be a distinct lack of Natives going about in basic buckskin "dress" these days.
Native Amateur
"The letter writer is correct," says Sherman Alexie, the National Book Award-winning author who was willing to demean himself and risk career suicide by giving me a quote. "There is a dearth of Native American porn."
But Alexie tells me that once, while hunting for antique board games, he typed "cowboy and Indian action figures" into Google and found his way to a site that featured U.S. Cavalry soldiers and loinclothed Indians smoking more than peace pipes. But that's all he's got for us, pornwise. As for real life …
"There's just no way your reader is going to find an Indian willing to put on a loincloth for sexual purposes," says Alexie. "Unless that Indian is a seriously damaged, culturally disconnected, politically unaware, and unsafe-sex practicing slut."
I part ways with Alexie here. Not because I know more about Native Americans, Native American issues, or Native American kinks. Goodness, no. But over the years, I've heard from way too many healthy, politically aware, and sexually safe African-Americans who dig role-playing slavery scenarios — and too many good Jews who get off on concentration-camp scenarios, and too many polite Canadians who get off on clueless-American-tourist scenarios ("Ooh, ask me who our 'president' is again!") — to rule out the possibility that there is a kind, decent, safe Native American genuinely interested in role-playing cowboys-and-injuns. But they're gonna be rare. So what can you do to up your odds of finding the action you seek?
"If the letter writer is an attractive blond female," says Alexie, "she can head to the next powwow in the region where she lives, pick out a handsome fancydancer, and hit on him. She'll either get laid or she'll get assaulted by a roving band of Indian women looking to protect our most precious and dwindling resource: Native American men."
Dan, I need to know. What bodily function is the opposite of an orgasm? Thanks a lot.
Could Use More
"Though it's not exactly a bodily function, the back spasm is the opposite of an orgasm," says Sherman Alexie, the award-winning author.
"Why did he send that question to Alexie?" some of my readers are no doubt asking themselves. That, of course, is a question that only a thoughtless bigot would ask, and I probably shouldn't dignify it with a response. But let's approach this as a teaching moment, shall we? I sent this question along to Alexie because he's the father of two and, we can reasonably extrapolate, the haver of orgasms, which more than qualifies him to field this question. OK, back to Alexie:
"While the orgasm is the pleasurable release of stress, the back spasm is the painful reminder of collected and unexpelled stress. I am currently typing one-handed because I am shoving my fist deep into my lower back as some sort of half-assed pressure-point massage. Of course, since the U.S. has become a chair-and-computer culture, the number of people who are currently massaging their wrecked backs is vastly larger than the number who are massaging their sexual organs."
And when you pause to consider that all of the United States and most of Canada were basically built on top of a giant Indian graveyard, I'd say we're getting off easy with a little lower-back pain.
What is the proper threesome etiquette once the good times are over? What do you do with your third? I say we should roll over and make room in the bed, while my husband thinks we should (nicely) toss the guy out. What say you?
Married And Gay In Canada
I'm with your partner, MAGIC, unless …
If it's pissing rain outside or freezing cold, or if you live in a neighborhood that's unsafe to stroll through alone at 4 a.m., or if your third ditched his friends — and his ride — to come home with you and the husband, then you should offer to the third to stay the night. But no third worth inviting back will accept. A good third knows to say thanks and get out — or eat it and beat it — so that his hosts can decompress, check in with each other, and resume the open, flagrant, unself-conscious farting that characterizes all long-term relationships.
This article appears in Nov 12-18, 2008.