What's the question?
Savage Love
I am at a heavy-metal show at a dive bar as I write this. There are tons of guys I consider hot here, 98 percent of whom, I'm sure, are straight. But I got a vibe off this one guy. This is such a macho environment, though, that there's a considerable amount of danger in asking the question, "So, you gay?"
I remember an episode of Law and Order where Jerry Orbach tried to determine if a suspect was in AA by asking a secret question. Something like, "Are you a friend of Bill W.?" The idea was that the question was innocuous if you weren't in AA.
Since you are the king of "santorum" and "pegging" and "saddlebacking," I thought maybe you could invent a secret question for masculine gay men in masculine environments. Something like, "Hey, do you like to barbecue?" So how 'bout it? Can you declare the official secret are-you-a-masculine-gay-guy question?
Men Are Cute Hot Objects
The best I could come up with on my own, MACHO, was this: "A Little Night Music — original Broadway cast recording or original London cast?" But that line will get your ass kicked in a lot of gay bars — as I know from bitter experience. So let's toss this out to my readers, the folks who came up with the definitions for "santorum," "pegging," and "saddlebacking": OK, gang, we're looking for an innocuous question that 1. all fags everywhere would know the answer to but 2. no straight guys anywhere would. My long-suffering interns — their uniforms chafe — await your suggested questions at mail@savagelove.net.
I had to refrain from opening this with "Hey, Asshole!" (oops, guess I kind of just did) after reading your advice to Sex Best One On One (CL, Feb. 18), the woman who married a man who warned her that he could not be monogamous and who then realized she couldn't share him. While I agree with your assessment of SBOOO's husband — upfront, honest — your assessment of SBOOO is obviously influenced by your need to have a good rant at polyamory-unfriendly marriage counselors, family, friends and the world at large. SBOOO does not have to apologize for who she is (not as willing to do long-term nonmonogamy as previously thought) to elitist, more-liberated-than-thou jerk-offs (hint: you!) after giving it a good fucking try (12 times!). Pun intended.
Loving Toronto Reader
I am a polyamorist. I am always upfront with my partners about this, especially if I want to get serious with them. So many people seem to say that they are fine with it out of some kind of misguided assumption that they can eventually change my mind. You know, "Polyamory isn't real; it's just a phase!" You know, like being gay.
I just wanted to say thank you for your reply to SBOOO! I couldn't have said it better myself. That was an absolutely fantastic response. Just like you said, counselors (and for that matter, family members) always see the polyamorist as the bad guy, unreasonably refusing to take the simple easy route of strict monogamy. It was really nice to finally have someone stand up for us. Thank you!
While I'm sure you enjoy positive feedback, saying thank you is cheap. A lot of times you plug various charities and causes in your column; is there any group you'd like me to donate to as a more concrete symbol of my appreciation?
Longtime Fan
Some folks think I was too hard on SBOOO; some think I was just hard enough. Like I said in my original response, I intentionally came down hard on SBOOO to compensate for the vast and overwhelming majority of advice professionals who would, per LF, side aggressively with her because a nonmonogamous partner — even an honest one like SBOOO's mate — is always perceived as the bad guy.
For the record: I am not biased toward nonmonogamy. But I do think monogamous people should be with each other and should refrain from marrying folks who are self-aware enough to inform them in advance that they don't think they're capable of being monogamous.
Some folks who wrote in about my advice for SBOOO raised a good point: I should have come down on the husband as well. If nonmonogamy was a deal breaker for him, then he was a fool to marry SBOOO before verifying her ability to be nonmonogamous. Agreed. So, for the record: SBOOO's husband? You're an idiot, too.
Finally, LF, I'm always happy to see money go to Planned Parenthood.
This article appears in Mar 4-10, 2009.