Hello there. Welcome to another day in the rest of your life!

We have an exciting program for you today. You won't want to miss a minute. We have fantastic insights into how to live to a ripe, old age with no money worries.

Ever wonder where you will get the cash for retirement?

Today, we have two guests who have it all figured out. They've never devoted a moment to such concerns. And these gentlemen will share their ticket to a carefree financial future with us.

Sound too good to be true? Grab a pen and paper. In a few minutes, we will tell you where you can get more information about this thrilling offer.

First, let's introduce our guests — live, via satellite, no less. We're not talking about a couple of dwarfs here. These men have been giants of their industry.

You haven't seen much of them lately. But surely you remember their many broadcast television appearances just a few short years ago.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Fortune Sellers, Robert E. Brainnone and Charles J. Takins Jr.

Bob and Chuck, thanks for spending a few minutes with us.

"Our pleasure. Bob and I have plenty of time on our hands these days."

So, before we catch up on what you've been doing lately, set the scene for us. How did you two guys become practically household names?

"Go ahead, Bob."

"OK. Thanks, Chuck. Your viewers were probably familiar with my little company, Second-Hand Jersey Securities."

Sure, sure.

"We used to focus on emerging growth companies."

You mean penny stocks?

"That's what the feds called 'em. Typical government misinformation. The public sector has no business meddling in the free market. Or the no-load market, for that matter."

How successful was Second-Hand Jersey?

"Didn't you see my commercials? The choppers, the limos, the jets. Donald Trump was eating his heart out. At Second-Hand Jersey, I flew wherever I wanted whenever I wanted."

In search of emerging growth companies?

"Occasionally. We went to the track and to Vegas, mostly."

How did your luck run on the Strip?

"Oh, tremendous. I won 500 grand at the Mirage in '95."

Wonderful memories, I bet. Now, it says here you forgot about those winnings when Second-Hand Jersey went belly up and your creditors came after you. What would you advise our viewers, if they were in a similar fix?

"All I have to say are four words: The Isle of Man. Really, I would love to get into that. But I cannot discuss it while my appeal is pending."

Appeal?

"A jury of my misguided peers found me guilty of bankruptcy fraud and money laundering back in April."

Oh.

"Maybe Chuck should pick it up from here."

Right, right. Good idea. Chuck, you've been a best-selling author, a successful lecturer on personal finance. What's your secret? "Read my book, Grand Larceny Without Conscience. It's all in there."

How about the Cliff's Notes version, Chuck? I think they let that sucker go out of print on us.

"How soon they forget you, huh? Tell you the truth, I can hardly remember myself. That's my defense now.

"All I know is I called myself a financial guru on TV a few times and people started sending me money for some books and tapes. It was amazing.

"I made a fortune telling people where to invest, like in that racket I had going down in the Caribbean—volcanic ash for treating prostate cancer. Boy, that was a hot one.

"You see, I never actually made money investing myself. I made a ton of dough writing and talking about investing, though."

Now I have something in my hand that indicates you had a $14-million judgment against you out west for misrepresentation?

"What do you think I'm doing here? The money ran out and a few soreheads got boxed in at the end. Ran crying to the Fee-bees."

By the way, where is "here"? Where are you guys, anyway? There seems to be a lot of people with guns and boots and uniforms outside your little room there. Are those bars behind you?

"Oops. Oh, no. Are we losing our transmission? Can you hear us? Can you hear us?"

Bob, our picture appears to be fading. Bob, Chuck, it looks like you won't be able to share all of your financial wisdom with our viewers today. We must have gone over our satellite window or something. Quickly, is there a way interested investors can stay in touch with you?

"Ah, well, we're still available for teleconference consulting, I guess. Right, Bob?"

"Oh, yeah."

"Let's see. How about, if you want our brochure, send $50 cash, unmarked bills only, to the canteen at USP Leavenworth, 1300 Metropolitan, Leaven—" USP? Is that a new venture of yours? Bob? Chuck? Oh, my. It looks like we've lost them. USP? What could that stand for? Chuck? Bob?

This article appears in Sep 20-26, 2001.