Do you currently live in Tampa Bay? Were you supposed to appear at a federal deposition this week about your mishandling of the Jeffery Epstein investigation? Are top Democrats on the House Oversight Committee now saying you’re currently “evading a lawful congressional subpoena?” Well, relax. Tampa Bay has got you covered!
From high-end restaurants to sunny beaches, what follows are the best local spots to lay low if you’re desperately trying not to testify about Jeffrey Epstein.
ADVENTURE ISLAND Bummed your former co-workers got to visit a certain island over and over again? Well, now it’s your turn to have some fun. At Adventure Island, you can’t weaponize an entire public agency against the president’s enemies, but you can weaponize the spray jets at Castaway Falls. Plus, no congressional subpoena is gonna pull you away from the mouthwatering barbecue options at Mango Joe’s!
LETTUCE LAKE PARK Love to admire and protect predators? Look no further than this underrated Hillsborough County park. Be sure to climb the lookout tower to check for gators, and while you’re there, check your phone to see if the Dow is over 50,000!
TAMPA THEATRE No one will look for you at downtown’s historic Tampa Theatre, especially if there’s a chance the last time you were there you were booed out of a Mr. Roger’s documentary. The main theater is closed for renovations, but the smaller, more intimate screening room is still open, and it’s an equally satisfying place to get booed.
THE TAMPA RIVERWALKStill a little sad about how everyone got mad at you for releasing the names of victims, while redacting the names of powerful abusers? Well, set your mind at ease with a relaxing stroll on Tampa’s beautiful downtown Riverwalk. Just look out for speedy teens on bikes, those kids need to be sent to an El Salvadorian prison, amirite?
POP INTO ANY OF TAMPA BAY’S AWARD-WINNING SUSHI SPOTS If you’re someone who was fired before you got to seize all the voter rolls from a Blue state, then be sure to visit any of the area’s famous sushi restaurants. Not even a pesky lib judge can tell you to put down these delicious sushi rolls.
BEN T. DAVIS BEACHThis is a no-brainer. If everyone thinks you’re full of shit, then double down and spend a lazy afternoon at a local beach that is statistically the shittiest. Seriously, a turd can have a great day at this lovely patch of sand!
VISIT ONE OF TAMPA BAY‘S MANY DOG-FRIENDLY BARSTampa Bay is packed with dog-friendly watering holes, and they are great for letting your pup run loose while you grab a cold one at the same time. After you’ve had a couple, be sure not to accidentally tell anyone you once stole a family’s dog after Hurricane Katrina, then had to be sued to give it back. Woof.
TAMPA’S “YOU KNOW I HAD TO DO IT TO EM” MEME LOCATION You know what really gets people to chill out when they’re super mad? A funny meme. Testifying in front of congress about protecting the worst people on Earth will be a lot more chill if they know you posed in the same location as the “Had to do it to em” kid.
Pitch in to help make the Tampa Bay Journalism Project a success.
Subscribe to Creative Loafing newsletters.
Follow us: Google News | NewsBreak | Reddit | Instagram | Facebook | BlueSky
This article appears in Apr. 09 – 15, 2026.