FRIDAY 6
State Senator Mike Bennett defends his support for a bill making it harder to vote in Florida by saying, "This should not be easy. This should be something you should do with passion." He must have a hard time getting passionate: he voted in only half of the last 18 elections.
SATURDAY 7
The Florida legislature wraps up the legislative session at 3:30 a.m., because when you're raping women and children it's best to do it in the middle of the night.
Rays third baseman Evan Longoria returns from injury and hits a three-run dinger in the Rays 8-2 victory over the sinking Baltimore Orioles. Hurts so good.
MONDAY 9
Newt Gingrich tweets that he plans to announce his plans to hit the Republican presidental campaign trail. Lock up your wives!
TUESDAY 10
A firestorm engulfs FSU after it's revealed Republican moneymen-scumbags the Koch Brothers donated $1.5 million to the university in exchange for controlling teacher hires in the economics department. Learn all about it in FSU's newest class, "AYN-101: Ayn Rand, American Goddess."
This article appears in May 12-18, 2011.