For the thousandth time a boy I just met looked at me like I was a fucking alien. Discouraged and deflated, I trudged out of the building head lowered and spirit sunken. I’m almost certain if I had a mouth full of meth teeth or a bottle of gin in my murse, I wouldn’t be driving home alone. With great trepidation I revealed the piece of myself that turns gay boys off more than anything else. In my 35 years of being alive, I have never been drunk. Not once. Not even close. When I tell a boy that I don’t drink, this information is nearly always met with a perplexed look of dismissal.
Being homo places me in a minority population. Being a sober homo with zero interest in drunk debauchery or “cocktails” makes me the minority within a minority. As my friends endlessly post invitations online to meet them for “drinks,” I prepare myself to be the asshole that “just wants a Diet Coke."
When I was young my mother went into recovery for drugs and alcohol. When mom toted me to those AA meetings my 8-year-old mind decided not to follow in her footsteps. As I became an adult I acknowledged my addictive personality with a predisposition to chemical dependence. Not to mention I am cheap. $5 for an alcohol drink that tastes like turpentine? No thanks, I have an appointment with Dr. Pepper.
Despite the fact that I don’t drink, I’ve never been comfortable with the “straight edge” subculture. I find the judgmental faux-superiority of that scene simple-minded and cruel. Of course. I personally think not drinking is a great choice for people to make. I also think that outside of my head it really doesn’t matter what I think.
I am a single 35-year-old. I wish to continue to hanging out with people in my peer group. I wish to continue ruling the motherfucking dance floor. I am not ready to get tucked into the back of a library or the gay men’s chorus. I don’t mind if future boyfriend gets drunk. As long as he doesn’t mind that I will always be designated driver.
I raise this Diet Coke in a toast to all the single and sober homos of the world. Anyone else struggling with this?!
This article appears in Nov 4-10, 2010.