Dear Oracle,
I feel guilty about not spending enough time with one of my parents. This parent is getting older, and as I’ve started my own family, I would like all of us to spend more time together, but they make it difficult. I don’t think my parent is honest with me about several things, we often get into fights about perceived slights on their end, and when we spend time together, they’ll be on their phone. I feel like I’m the only one making an effort, but I don’t know if my parent is worried about encroaching and needs more assurance that I want to spend more time with them or if they don’t want to be that involved in our lives. Can the cards guide me in a direction?—Guilty Ass Son
Cards for your current feelings: King of Cups (reversed), Ten of Swords, Ten of Pentacles (reversed)
Cards for immediate action: Full Moon, Three of Cups (reversed), Four of Pentacles
Cards for how that action will affect the relationship: Seven of Cups, The Devil, Page of Pentacles
Dear GAS,
You may notice I didn’t draw any cards about your parent’s feelings. There are two reasons for this: the first is that with such little information on such a significant, complex relationship, I could cause harm to you with a misreading. The second is that, in a way, it doesn’t really matter how your parent feels. We can’t control other people’s feelings or actions, only our own, so I drew cards for you alone.
Let’s get to it.
At this moment, the Ten of Swords shows strong negative emotions you have toward your parent, particularly anger and fear. With Ten of Pentacles reversed, the card of legacy, I think the truth of your parent’s mortality weighs heavily on you. Is your guilt about not spending enough time with them tied to a fear that you’ll regret it when they’re not around?
It’s understandable to want to be on good terms with our loved ones when they pass.
But, I also think you should acknowledge that your feelings about your parent are complicated—and became even more so when you had your own child.
Sometimes, when people become parents themselves, they find forgiveness for their own parents’ faults, seeing they did their best. Other times they see with cold clarity how royally their parents fucked up. With the King of Cups reversed it would not surprise me if you want to be this all-giving, all-loving father who values relationships. It also wouldn’t surprise me if you have anger and hurt toward your parent for not acting the same way.
Keeping all of that in mind, as far as steps go, the Full Moon urges you to look at this with clarity and know that your emotions will be close to the surface with this one. (Which, of course they are, it’s your parent!) But, as a card of direct action, you should keep reaching out.
The Three of Cups is an interesting card here. It can mean working together and even helping people out—and sometimes, people manufacture a crisis to get attention with that help.
Part of me wonders if your parent might be playing hard to get. Do you get the impression that they like being persuaded, or do they seem bothered by it? Are the fights about the perceived slights a way for your parent to engage you, keep that attention, and perhaps get you to apologize? It might not be the healthiest behavior, but if this feels true, it does suggest that your parent does want to spend time with you—albeit on their terms and possibly as the star of the show. I think that to spend time with them, you have to continue in the role of the initiator.
However, with the ever-reflective Four of Pentacles searching for what’s blocking you, I highly recommend talking to a therapist about this. They will be able to give you way more specific advice than I ever could and speak to you about your relationship with your parent in a more in-depth way. Your parent might be disengaged because their parents were. Your parent might have a personality disorder. Maybe they’re just getting ornerier as they age. Whatever it is, a licensed therapist would be able to help you navigate the thornier parts of your relationship.
It’s important to keep a very level head about your actions because, with the Seven of Cups and The Devil, the wrong choice might lead to you bringing out the absolute worst in each other. The Devil can be all-consuming thoughts, amplifying our base selves. And if our Ego is The Devil, then we can become someone who needs to be served, who is all-important, who doesn’t compromise or empathize, and who can be just an all-around asshole.
This might be a role that your parent can slip into—especially if they want to be pursued and be made the center of attention. This might be your unchecked anger and hurt that causes you to lash out at them. I don’t know. But I do know that you have to be conscious as you move forward. Again, a therapist would be able to provide help in that way.
I do think you can go about this in a conscious and curious way. As the hardworking Page of Pentacles, you understand nuances in behavior and can see good intentions where others may only see bad behavior. It’s absolutely ok to give grace to your parent—as long as your also giving it to yourself. I do hope that talking with your parent (ideally with a script hammered out with that therapist you started seeing) will bring about some change and that you’re able to establish deeper family bonds for yourself, your parent, and your child. It is not easy work, and you should be proud of yourself for doing it.
Best of luck, my dear.
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This article appears in Jan 23-29, 2025.
